Stuck.

I'm seriously failing at life right now.  I'm so just blah all the time about everything.  I'm blah about life! My home life, my sleep, my relationship with family and friends, my relationship with Heavenly Father, and the one I have with myself is so unhealthy.  I just want to stay in bed all day and just BE.  I have zero desire to go to church or to live the gospel.  I don't really have a desire to sin either.  I'm just here.  Doing absolutely nothing.  Becoming absolutely nothing.  I'm a mess.

It was only a couple years ago that I read The Book Of Mormon for the first time and decided to leave sin behind.  I had it ALL together!  I was so excited about life.  I was excited about the Gospel!!  I was eating right and exercising, I had healthy relationships with family and friends, I loved my job.  I was so motivated to get to the Temple.

What happened??  How am I here?? I'm not happy here.  I don't want to be here.  I just don't have the motivation or drive to move forward.  I'm stuck.  And lost.

Dreaming about my lost boy.

I had an Austin dream last night.  I don't remember much of it, I just remember looking for him in a panic.  I wasn't sure why I was panicking but I had to make sure he stayed with us.  I can't remember seeing him in my dream, but I vaguely remember he was with us earlier on in the dream.  Anyway while I was sleeping, he was still alive and I have no recollection of him passing away.  So it was so odd waking up this morning.  I very much remember my mind shifting from asleep frantically looking for him and coming to the realization that he's gone.  I wish I was still asleep where I truly forgot he's gone.  I've been thinking about that dream off and on all day.  I just wish I could have found him before waking up.  I wish I could go back into that dream.  One day I'll be able to stop looking for real.

I just don't know.

Either this is my way of telling myself this is our last baby or something is seriously wrong with me!!  Usually right now in my pregnancy I’m counting down the days to meet my sweet new family addition, my excitement is at an all time high.  This pregnancy has been very different.  I feel blessed for sure, but everything has felt… off. 

At first I thought I was just not excited, because quite frankly, I was embarrassed.  Some of my family and a ton of my friends were having so many troubles with infertility and losing their babies and I, yet again, was pregnant.  I felt BAD!  I didn’t want to share the news with anyone!  Why did they have to suffer and I got pregnant just because I read I read my fertility tracking app wrong one day?  It was frustrating.  So I waited and waited to tell anyone and because of it, I never really let myself get excited.

Now I’m just so nervous that I’m not ready for this!  I was sitting in the shower last night enjoying a silent house knowing that soon everything will be so different again.  I know my kids, they’re all older now and I’m used to them.  I don’t know this baby.  I don’t even know if it’s a boy or girl (which may be apart of the problem).  I feel very distant this time around for some reason.  Apart of me knows that I will love this baby so much and we will instantly bond and I’ll never look back, but another part of me REALLY isn’t ready for dirty diapers, mastitis, never going anywhere alone, etc.  It’s SO stupid, I know!!  Children are SUCH a gift!  Why am I not bouncing off the walls?  

I don’t know, maybe like I said before, this is my way of saying this is it.  Maybe I just can’t handle more.  Grayson and Claire are both at very hard ages and I already feel like a failure as a parent.  I get mad so easily, and no matter how much I REALLY, REALLY want Chris and I to be super calm parents who do and say all the right things, we just aren’t.  I make so many mistakes daily and regret it.  I just don’t know if I’m ready to fail at parenting again with another person. 

Come to think of it, that’s my life in general.  I’m in a really weird spot.  I’ve moved around several times in the last 8 years and it has taken a toll on me.  I feel like my fun, bouncy personality and been taken over by literally the most boring person in the world.  Losing Austin and constantly being pregnant has probably taken a huge part in that as well.  I am in such a neutral place right now in life.  I have no desires, no aspirations.  I’d rather sleep.  Although the Gospel is a huge part of my life and I absolutely love it, I have no desire to move forward by doing things like reading my scriptures or going to church every Sunday.  I feel just so lost in life right now!!  I’m sure living back at home doesn’t help.  I just am worried about bringing a child into this mess.  I don’t know why I can’t overcome this!  I really want to be happy with who I am and I want to be more excited for this sweet child to become a part of our family.  I just need to figure out how to overcome me.

Anyway, I just wanted to write my thoughts down somewhere so….

Current anxieties-

1- health of baby

2. Baby personality 

3. Not giving my other kids enough attention once baby comes

4. My parenting in general

5. Baby in my parents home

6. Breastfeeding (mastitis)

I'm just feeling QUITE ready for this change!!!

Mothers Day

Mothers Day was really great this year!  My family let me sleep in until about 10am and then brought me pancakes in bed for breakfast!  There were beautiful flowers in the kitchen and they wrote me songs, drew me pictures, and gave me all the hugs and kisses I wanted!!  I felt so loved!!  

I absolutely love being a mom!!  I'm not the best at it, but I have kids who love and forgive me all the time regardless!    

I sometimes can't believe I've been a mom for 8 years!  That's insane to me!  I just hope I can be half the mom, my mom is to me!  Talk about big goals!!!  She is the most God loving, unselfish, service oriented, kind, funny, positive, beautiful women I know.  Everyone who has even met her is automatically drawn to her.  She's just the definition of good and constantly bright so much light into the world!  I love sharing everything in my life with her!  I love her so incredibly much!!  

Happy Mother's Day Mom!!!

Austin's Day 2015

Today marks 4 years from the absolute hardest day of my life, the day Austin started his new mission in Heaven. This little guy completely changed our family and who we are. His life has blessed us over and over again. I miss with so much and I feel so blessed that I got to have him here with me, even if it was only 2 1/2 short years.  Austin was the sweetest child and sometimes I still get surprised that I have a child I don't get to see grow up.  I can't wait to give him a great big hug one day and tell him how much joy he brought us while he was hear, and how big of an impact he made on our family. I love knowing that one day we will get to see each other again and I'll get to have my WHOLE family together forever!

This year was extra special for a couple reasons, first we got to share the day with the Putnams!  They lived right near me throughout Austin's whole life.  I know they love and miss him just as much as I do, so it was special sharing this day with them!

We went over there and did a balloon release, it was really special.  

Lily got really emotional during the balloon release and started to cry, which made me cry.  I love that she still remembers and loves Austin.

They were such best friends. 

Today was also an extra special day, because today Chris went to the temple for the very first time!  I try to go to the temple this day every year, because of the tremendous love and peace I feel there!! We miss our little guy just so incredibly much and am so blessed to know that one day I'll get to see him again!  This all forever be a special day.   

We went to Longhorn for dinner and did baptisms and we really enjoyed it.  Chris was nervous at first because he thought he would have to DO the baptisms, and so he had been trying to re-learn the baptismal prayer all week, but after I told him he'd be the one being baptized he was worry free (well besides the fear of being too heavy lol!)  Chris loved the temple and is excited to go back.  As we were driving home we both said that we felt the spirit the most when we both decided (separately) to say a little prayer in the changing room.  I thought that was a funny coincidence that we both wanted to pray in the dressing rooms, and that that was both of our favorite spiritual moments there.  

While we were at the Atlanta Temple, the Putnam's watched the kids and they did a special art project! The painted canvases for Austin of the balloon release we did earlier!  It was the sweetest surprise!!  I will love these canvases forevermore!  I'm so grateful to have an amazing sister who would do something so neat and thoughtful!!!

 We love and miss this boy so much and even though I feel a little further away from from him each year that passes, I know that that's just one more year closer to seeing him.  I love you Austin!!!

East Greenbush, NY

For Spring Break this year, we decided to visit my mom out in New York before she moves to Utah in a couple months.  It has been such a bittersweet trip for me so far.  As I walk these halls, so many memories from such an important time of my life has flooded back to my mind and heart.  I moved here during one of the hardest times I'll hopefully ever have to go through.  Austin had JUST died, I found out I was pregnant (with Claire) at a moment I was absolutely not ready for- I wasn't sure if I wanted to have anymore kids at all after losing my baby, Chris had just deployed- which was fine since I wanted nothing to do with him right then anyway, and I was just in a really, really bad place.  

Even with all the bad things going on, I truly found God here.  This was truly MY turning point.  I felt the atonement change my heart here.  This was where I was supposed to be.

  I WANTED to find God and to repent.  Austin was my drive at first, I wanted to get back to him.  That, and all the love and comfort I felt from Heavenly Father during that time.  I needed to be clean- I needed to repent.  I wanted to know if my church was true.  I NEEDED to know.  I remember sitting in my room at this house reading the Book of Mormon for hours and hours everyday.  I would run into my parents room whenever I had a question, and thought, or just read something that spoke to me.  It brought me so much hope.  What a powerful feeling is such a dark moment.  Although it wasn't really a dark moment, the months following Austin's death were awful, but they were FULL of so much light and comfort.  I remember the nights I laid in my bed praying and feeling so enveloped in warmth.  I felt my Saviors love.

I remember after I went through the repentance process, I was sitting in the car filled with the the spirit, knowing that I was forgiven.  I was clean!  The atonement had saved me.  I remember feeling like the Savior was so close to me at that moment.  Like he was giving me a hug.  This all happened here.

As I reflect on that time period, I feel truly blessed.  I changed during those 9 months.  I started my relationship with my amazing, loving Heavenly Father.  I learned how much he loves me and how invested in my happiness he truly is.  While living here I felt closer to heaven than I could have ever imagined.  

This month marks the fourth year of my sweet Austin being gone.  That boy truly changed our whole family.  He touched all our lives in such a huge, lasting way.  He changed me.  I miss him.  My parents selling this house feels like I'm closing another chapter to Austin's book.  I hate feeling like with every passing year I feel further and further away from him.  He's in my thoughts less than he should be.  His memories are fading little by little if I hadn't written them down.  My kids are reminding me of him less and less.  I truly hate it.  I prefer raw sadness and true mourning over this.  I do love that I see the good in his time here instead of focusing on the sadness of him leaving, but I don't know.  I just wish sometimes that I could walk into my house and see my husband and all four of my kids there playing.  I know I'll see my baby boy again, but I want to feel closer to him NOW.  But instead I'm closing another chapter.  I'm leaving another sacred place to my heart.  Another home.  The last home I connect with him.  So yes, it's bittersweet.  I'm so grateful to be here and to remember how I became the Amy I am today, but I am so devastated that once again I have to say goodbye.