Day 34

Today I started my 24th week, yay for 6 months!!

Day 33

Today the kid's had fevers so we spent the day in bed watching movies.  Lily somehow forgot how to walk.  She's very dramatic sometimes lol.  

Day 32

Today Lily and Grayson went to the doctor.  They were wonderful!  They both got shots, and check-ups.  Lily also got some 5-year-old things done like got her eyes and ears checked which are great! :) 

Afterwards we went and picked up Wendy's and went to the park.  It was a beautiful day!

Roots

So here are my goals until May:
Read the BOM by doing the 100 day challenge. (should be done right before May!)
Attend Sacrament meeting and stay until after relief society every week... ATTEND classes!
Visiting Teaching.
Pay tithing.

I had a meeting with the bishopric, and these are informal goals that will help my testimony and then by May I will be officially temple WORTHY (not actually going)!

My life is working out so well!
I've been working on my life as a wife, parent, and as a person and I think thing are starting to go my way!  Goals and "lists" are my new favorite thing.  I feel like I'm more "put together" than I ever have been.  I'm completely drug free (like antidepressants) and surprisingly, I've never been more stable and in control of my feelings.  I'm just on the road to find myself and become who I want to be.  I'm even considering letting my natural hair grow out.  It's time to get back to my roots!  Literally!

Day 31

Claire's heart is developed and looks good, BUT she has tricuspid valve leakage and fluid around her heart in some places.  We have to go back in a couple weeks.

Day 30

Tonight we made s'mores for dinner.  Poor Gray didn't get chocolate on his... stupid allergies!

Day 29

Gray and I skipped church today, but Lily went.  This is an instagram photo.

Day 28

Lily in the morning... so pretty. :)

I wish I could feel whole again... just for one day.  Not just a broken person trying not to ruin my kid's lives.

yeah

So most of my blog posts are me trying to turn a horrible situation into a positive one and it is for me.  So if anyone gets offended or takes anything I say on my blog personally I recommend you don't read it.  This is my blog for my thoughts and feelings, and I'm not going to sit here and sensor what I write to not hurt yours.  I hate that everyone in life has challenges and I try to be sensitive to peoples things, but come one guys, this is a blog about me trying to find my way.  Let me, please have my place.  I may have to go private and that's really sad since this is how I share things with my husband as well.

Thanks for ruining my one spot now I'll sensor everything so I don't hurt anyone else.

Day 27

Yay for getting my car fixed!

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Day 26

Today Grandma came to Gymnastics and Lily was extra awesome!

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Day 25

It was a very slow morning, Lily didn't wake up until 11 so Gray and me watched cartoons. :)

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Day 23

So I've started a new one hour "Play with Gray" time.  Lily is getting so busy with all of her pre-schooling, cleaning, technology, etc that she doesn't ever seem to just take time to play with her little brother unless I'm there.  So for an hour-a-day she gets to go into their room to play without me.  I can get stuff done and they can learn how to play on their own and hopefully stay close as they grow.

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Day 22

This pretty much describes our afternoon after church.  I love lazy Sundays!

(Also I've been playing around with higher iso's lately and am really enjoying pushing my photography limits, so pictures may not always be bright and perfectly clear, I need to grow as a photographer and staying comfortable is not the answer.)

Day 21

Today was a very relaxing day.  We woke up to it snowing (it was BEAUTIFUL), Lily and I made hot cocoa and eggos, we worked on Lily's letters, watched movies, and just enjoyed our Saturday!

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Day 20 (part 2)

Also for Lily's birthday i decided to take Lily out on a Mother-Daughter special Birthday date!  We went to Melting pot for cheese and chocolate fondue, and then we went and saw a special 3D version on Beauty and The Beast in the theater!  It was so much fun and we both had a blast!  I love my little Lily Belle so much!

(just phone-camera pictures, but will cherish the memory)

Day 20

Lily put together a fun package for her grandparents!  She helped me make them a treat, wrote them letters, packed the baggies herself, helped put them in the boxes, and then we took them to the post office to send off. She is so excited and is excited that they're on their way!

Instagram

Today I downloaded instagram, best decision ever!

Day 18

In Lily's words this was, "The BEST birthday EVER!"  It was a fun one.  She chose everything we did.  We didn't make it to everything on our list, but her favorite parts were:

Watching Gnomeo and Juliet
Eating Mcdonalds
Her cake of FRUIT
Her presents... especially her her "iPad" (leappad)
Skyping with her aunts (Emily, Natalie, and Jessica)
Eating lots of fun foods and playing, dancing, and being 5!

Happy Birthday Lily!

hatin'

I really don't like comments like this...

"I'm not Hot or gorgeous. I don't have an amazing figure or a flat stomach. I'm far from being considered a model but, I'm me. I eat food, I have curves, I have more fat than I should, I have scars, I have a history. Some people love me,some like me, some hate me. I have done good, I have done bad. I love OH's and I go without makeup and don't get my hair done. I'm random and crazy,I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. I won't change!! And if i love you, I do it with my heart!! I make no apologies for the way I am."

I'm all for loving yourself, but that's not what these sound like, they sound like you've given up and now want everyone to accept it.  What ever happens to trying to become a better person??  Shouldn't we all be trying to improve and be better?  I mean, I have history... you all know that.  I got married and had a kid at 18... and it was choices I made that led me to that.  But instead of just accepting myself as some loser, I keep improving and kept bettering myself.  And I will keep becoming better everyday!  Why should you just accept your flaws and weaknesses?  Yes, there are things we can't change about ourselves and it's good to accept and even embrace those things, but if you CAN change it, then do!  Don't settle for being who you are when you could be so much better!  Okay y'all can hate now lol...

Day 17

Today after gymnastics, Lily and I went over to one of my friend's house for lunch and to hangout.  I had a great time and her kid is adorable!!

Day 16

Lily and I made french toast for breakfast... we went through a lot of eggs, before everything was said and done lol.  She'll learn eventually. :)

Day 15

Church was fun today.  I could hear the lessons, Grayson behaved, and Lily came home excited about what she learned. I think this is progress!  We did miss the Sacrament though, I'm slow in the mornings!

Now to spend the rest of the afternoon eating good food and playing games!

Ps. Yes Gray has food in his mouth, but atleast he's looking in the general direction of the camera... that's a success in my book!  He doesn't like the camera at all lol!

Day 14

This is Lily's "Hey!  I've got an idea!" face lol.  She does it atleast 100 times a day and it usually is followed by an absurd idea that we would never do, or a or idea for playing pretend.   

Day 13

I guess since I'm at my halfway point, I should show off my "big" belly.  

Day 12

My mom decided to paint her kitchen/Family room a really pretty Martha Stewart light grey (you can't really see the color in this pic) this week, and Lily was her little helper.  I'm definitely using this as the paint in Lily and Claire's room!  And Lily will get to help then too! :)

Day 11

Lily loves playing pretend all day... everyday.  She plays library lady, doctor, mommy, married couple, restaurant, pizza man, statue, sleepy baby, EVERYTHING!  Not only does she have a very big imagination, but she can stay in character for HOURS!  My favorite games when I'm busy are definitely statue and sleepy baby lol.  They're pretty self explanatory.  Today we played
"Lily's Fancy Restaurant" and I was the "cooker" :).  It was a fun twist to a normal lunch.  

Day 10

Today was a pretty exciting day for Lily.
She started a new gymnastics class, got to go to Panera for lunch, and she got to come with me to my 20 week ultrasound!  She LOVED it! 

Some of my favorite Lily quotes:

"how are we going to look at the baby? I don't want them to take off your belly"

"She's so cute, I want to bite her... I really think she wants to bite ME!"

"she's cute, but not TOO cute"

Oh and Claire is definitely a girl!  My due date got switched from the 31st to the 25th, which is like skipping a week of pregnancy for me!  Yay!  She LOVES her hand up by her face like Grayson!

Here is a picture from today of The O'Neal Girls! :)

Day 9

Claire Elizabeth O'Neal

Day 8

Lily's new OBSESSION is Uno.  She wants to play it all day and all night.  She's getting pretty good too.  I don't believe in letting my kid's win on purpose, and she has won quite a few times!  We taught her three days ago.  It was a fun after church activity while my dad watched football.

FB status-

We taught Lily Uno tonight and after playing around 5 rounds, she's a pro! She even dealt out cards when it was her turn to. I'm glad she figured it out so quickly! And she was so okay with losing! I'm a proud momma. ♥· Thursday at 8:43pm

Day 7

Yesterday as we were taking down the Christmas tree, Lily took all the popcorn garland outside for the birds.  She then found her binoculars and has been watching the popcorn all day yesterday and today.  She is the cutest!
Today, she's seen a red robin, blue jay, and a squirrel enjoying her treat. :)

Day 6

Grayson LOVES bathtime and his grandma's musical bath toys!
There's a xylophone, drum, and water flutes!
He loves to use the drum to pour water on everything!

Day 5

Today Lily graduated from her 8 week session of Gymnastics and got a ribbon.  She starts a new session next week but she loved getting a ribbon and cheers from all her classmates.  Next week she's starting new classes every Tuesday and Thursday.  I hope she improves as much as she has these past 8 weeks!  

Her favorite thing at gymnastics is the trampoline and what she calls her "carton wheel"!

Day 4

All my sisters, besides Jessica, came out to New york for Christmas this year.  Today Olivia leaves and she's the last to go. :(  I love Christmas and family.  I wish they could have all stayed longer.  Today we're eating good foods and playing fun games for the last time and then my Christmas season is officially over. :(

Day 3

Oranges have been the biggest part of the season!  I'm addicted!  We made orange rolls, orange Julius's, clementines, orange juice mixed with sprite, everything!!  It's my favorite fruit... and Lily's favorite color!  I painted her nails this morning. :)

Also yesterday at CVS, Lily stuffed her pockets with nail polishes and candy.  It was her first time stealing.  I made her apologize and put it all away.  We had a long talk on the car ride home and she promised to never do it again so when we got home she got a three minute time-out and that's it.  I'm glad she understands that it's wrong to take things without buying or asking for them.  I hope she really won't do it again.

Now for olivia to make orange Julius's for breakfast! ;)

Day 2

One of our favorite treats!

My Dad's famous green chili's and cheese broiled on corn tortillas topped with eggs!

YUM!!

Day 1

Even though Austin isn't in this picture, he is very much still apart of 2012.
Happy New Year

New Years.

Here are my resolutions for 2012.

• Read the Book of Mormon and FINISH it!
• Get completely active in church.
• Get up and go to bed at the good time.
• Get Lily school ready.
• Be more productive and set and keep a schedule for me and the kids.
• Save, save, save!
• Be a better wife.
• Keep up with my 365 blog.

Ultrasounds

So when I lived in Belgium, the whole pregnancy process was different. Every apt you got an ultrasound, and then around 23 weeks, they give you a 3D ultrasound to do a full exam. Here they do three and that it, and no 3D.

This makes me mad. Very mad. Mad enough to try to change it, but how?? They examined Austin's heart in every apt but never noticed his heart problem until the 3D one. I mean I see SO many babies die at birth of the same thing Austin had, and he lived till he was almost 3. We did so many things that I think made a huge difference. I am just so mad, that my baby has a higher chance of having a heart defect, yet they aren't planning on doing anything about it. I am mad.

ugh

I hate baby names.

Let's begin.

I am a believer. I always have been. I believed in Santa until I was in 5th or 6th grade and my parents had to sit me down and tell me. And for a long time after that, I still believed and had just thought my parents had lost their belief, like all adults do in movies.

So when my mom tells me a sacred, spiritual experience, there is no doubt in my mind that it's true. whether it is or not doesn't concern me... I believe. Or when people bear their testimony of the gospel... I doubt nothing.

Well here's the thing, Santa isn't real.

So as much and I want my belief to be enough, it's not. So today I'm beginning my road to knowing.

I believe in faith, but when you're presented a way to KNOW if the gospel is true, I think it's something worth doing.

So I'm going to read the whole Book of Mormon. And then pray.

"Years ago my great-great-grandfather picked up a copy of the Book of Mormon for the first time. He opened it to the center and read a few pages. He then declared,“That book was either written by God or the devil, and I am going to find out who wrote it.”
^ ditto, I plan to find out as well. :)

I know I've started before, but this time I'm determined to get through it, and pray while it's fresh on my mind. I'll let yall know!

:(

I know this is stupid to be upset about, but I'm really sad that I never got to attend any of my sister's weddings, and now I won't even get to attend my little sisters.

Still apart, but always together.

Can I just say that I love my husband and how much our relationship is growing? People who just give up on marriage after a year or two, shame on y'all. We're all human, we're always growing and adapting. Chris and I might have had a rough start and i'm not going to lie, I've looked up divorce online once or twice, but i'm so glad that I have a family that believes in marriage and believes in what Chris and I have.

I mean 5 years ago, Chris and I were crazy teenagers. We didn't have a long-term thought in our heads. But now look at us! We are both changing so much for the better... in such different ways!

Obviously, I've embraced a more religious lifestyle. And when I committed, I COMMITTED. I don't party on Saturday and then go to Church on Sunday. No, every aspect of my life is different. I pray every night, morning, and throughout the day. I read every self-help religious book I can get my hand on, I don't party at all. I don't even drink the occasional glass of wine or say even the more innocent of cuss words. I am not perfect, but I try everyday a little harder to be a little better. I'm sure that all God really wants us to do. Anyway back to Chris and I. Becoming religious again has made me want to be a better wife and mother. It has made me look at sex a completely different way. It has changed my priorities to "family first". It has made me want to grow as a person in every possible way.

Chris, on the other side, is changing in a completely none religious way, but just as good in my eyes. He's just growing into a man. He also is all about family. I've loved how much he's been calling his family and trying to be apart of their lives. I love that when we talk, It's SO much deeper than it used to be. He wants to make the kids and I happy. He is SO committed to our family, and so committed to me. He is supportive in everything I do, from buying THOUSANDS of dollars worth of photography equipment, to helping me go to church every week, all the way to watching the kids whenever I go through my "going out everyday" phases. He's always been one to say yes, and do to everything in his power to make us happy.

When I go through my depression, he completely takes over the household. He goes to work all morning, then comes home, feeds the family, cleans the house, and then relaxes with the kids and let's me be alone. I appreciate this so much, but I don't want to do this to him ever again. He should get to come home from a stressful day of work, eat a meal made my me, and relax with the family. He's not the mom and dad and he shouldn't have to pretend he is. When he gets home, things will be different, and I'm trying to get myself prepared for that. I don't need to only better myself spiritually, I need to better myself COMPLETELY.

I'm just so grateful. I don't know why I am so blessed in this life, but I am. I have it all. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, a family that supports me, my own wonderful family that I don't deserve, I grew up in the gospel, I'm comfortable financially, I get to travel often, I forgive easily, I go on vacations regularly, I grew up in a good home and in a good area. I am educated and talented. I get to see my son again and I get to have him as motivation... to get back to him. My kids have the most amazing spirits, and my husband has my heart. Seriously, I can't imagine a happier life (and it's just getting better). I believe I can beat this depression. I can be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I want to be.

Chris and I are bother changing for the better... together.

Austin's Birthday.

Thanksgiving in Michigan. It was a hectic week for sure, but the best part was Austin's birthday. I loved being surrounded by people who believe in the same gospel as me. It was SUCH a comfort to go from crying to laughing about what things will be like when I see him again. There is SO much comfort in religion. I don't think you should just have religion for comfort, but it sure does help when you're feeling down.

I also felt a lot of love for Emma Smith that day.
I couldn't imagine how much she loss. My loss was nothing compared to hers yet her faith stayed strong and she kept going.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

I really enjoyed this video on his birthday.

Birthday

So Austin's birthday is on Thanksgiving Day this year... this is the first birthday without him. Since he's turning three, one of the things we're doing it a balloon release. We are each letting go of three balloons this year. Anyone who wants to do that as well is more than welcome.

I didn't want his funeral to be depressing, I wanted to celebrate his life instead so we did a birthday party theme (it was beautiful), we had a banner with his name, TONS of balloons, and tried our best to keep it a joyous day to celebrate him instead a depressing day. We talked about how fun he was, we sang our own version of Black Bird (Red Bird), and tried to keep it uplifting. At the cemetery we did a HUGE balloon release with over a 1000 balloons and it was a beautiful and surprisingly peaceful moment. I want to keep that same mentality for his birthdays too.

Heaven is For Real

I read this book and LOVED it. I bawled through the whole hospital portion of the book... it hit way too close to home for me. I relived everything from just reading. It was really difficult.
Overall I was skeptical throughout the book, but enjoyed the story and message.
I recommend you read it too.

The after reading is what has me all upset. I decided to go read reviews on the book and I can't believe how HARD people are! I mean, yeah a lot of it sounds crazy and might not be true, but for them to just disregard it like it's a book that came straight from Satan. My mom always says that a church is a lot like a hospital. It's there for people to go get spiritually healed. It's not there for perfect people to remain perfect so when you go to church you can't look at the people and decide that you do and don't like that church, because people are human and we all disappoint. We need church to help us through the next week. So don't judge the guy who comes to church with a hangover... atleast he's there; trying! So I'm REALLY trying to remember that right now, because I'm just so upset with Christians in general... including LDS. How can you see one thing you don't like and just completely close her mind/heart to it. And then turn around and do missionary work and expect others to just humble themselves.

I'm annoyed.

Humbled

It's funny how people turn to God during hard times in their lives. During everything with Austin, I can't really say I did that (except for the very end). This is going to sound ridiculous, but I really feel like God sought me out. I really had no interest in him and definitely didn't turn to him very much during everything that went on. But I had a lot of spiritual experiences happen to me in a very timely matter, little did I know I was slowly humbling my heart to it and now I'm trying so hard to get back to him. And to find out his will for me.

Regardless he was always there for me and he must have known that I'd need him in my life now for him to seek me out like he did.

I just hope others can have their own humbling experiences.

Another one??

Before I announce each pregnancy I get so much anxiety about people's reactions. I think it's just a habit I've formed from the many bad choices I've made. From getting married at age 18 AFTER having a baby to having almost 4 before I'm 24 (haters are gonna hate). I don't know I always feel like I need to act like it was an accident every time I announce. But none of my kids are accidents... they might have not been planned... at all, but they have all come into our home and brightened it up with a new love we never knew was even missing!

I love being a mom. I love making a family with Chris. I know we are good parents and we have good wholesome family values (after a few rocky years). If we could afford it, I wouldn't mind having 10 more kids with Chris! Well maybe 2 or 3 more lol. But still! It's a beautiful thing being a parent and should not be taken lightly... and for me it's a welcomed responsibly. These kids will grow up and have families of their own and so will their kids... think of the family reunions!

I love my parents and I'm so so SO grateful they gave me my 4 sisters. Siblings are a blessing to be cherished and I want that for my kids. I want a great big family and crazy drama, and everything else that comes with a big family!

The happiness outweighs the difficulties...

So anyway I'm done feeling anxiety when I announce my next pregnancies, I am SO grateful to Heavenly Father that I even get to HAVE kids at all, and obviously he wants me to be a mom. I've learned that in many ways.

These children are gifts.
And I pray that you may one day get to have the gift of a family as well...
maybe even lucky enough to have a big family like Chris and me! :)

"woe is me"

Today has been awful, one of the worst in a couple months. I can't seem to shake it! Today was the first official day of absolutely no medicine. So last night I was up most of the night because all my dreams were vivid , very real, and horrible. Then when I was up I was just completely dizzy. It's like spinning around and around, but when you stop the dizziness doesn't go away... at all. It's the most awful feeling. Another perk of going off my medicine AND being pregnant my emotions are on egg shells. Seriously today was a crying marathon... I could not stop bawling. I hate being a downer so I probably wrote a 1000 "woe is me" statuses on facebook, but deleted them a few minutes later. Then on top of everything, today was a bad day. It would have been a bad day if I were completely stable.

Here's my post from this afternoon... I wrote it in a bad moment and so I deleted it, but it sums up my day. But I was overreacting and I want to go ahead a first say that my mom has been wonderful and I should not complain at all about her, she's been my rock through all of this.

"AAAAAAAH!!! Nobody understands what I'm going through and I just want to shake them all and tell them understand! I'm so so so so emotional right now I just want to SCREAM! Im dizzy, I'm hot, my stomach is in knots, my kids are either crying because they need something or doing something else wrong, I just can't it right now any of it!

My mom and dad don't understand at all. I just want to go home right now. I can't handle this I need my husband here.

Gray is SCREAMING because he needs his diaper changed and I can't find a single wipe, my mom is gone and has no phone, I can't find my keys anywhere... I just can't handle this!!! I'm just SO dizzy! I spend every night is deep vivid nightmares, I can't seem to fix anything. Grayson hates napping, and playing alone, and if he's out playing he's being destructive which my dad can't handle, my mom is always busy on her projects and so she can't help me either (but she does when she can), and they won't allow to to just let them cry.

I have no idea what to do I'm so stressed out.

I hate my medication, I hate going off of it, I hate the emotions of pregnancy, and I HATE that nobody in the world knows what this feels like!

I NEED to go home. I wish so badly I had a home to go to."

Then I got on facebook and saw my aunts post about losing her dad 25 years ago... I don't want to ever write a post like that. I don't want 25 years to go by without him here. I hate it so much not having my son and I know that I'm strong and I'm just having a moment, but he was my baby... my boy! I just can't imagine 25 years + without his sweet laugh.

And THEN I read about some lady complaining about birthday shopping and it reminded me that I should be birthday shopping right now. My baby is turning 3 next week. I don't want Thanksgiving or family, I want to be home with Chris and the kids eating grilled cheese and laying in my comfy blanket with all 3 almost 4 kids laying in bed with me and jumping on Chris.

How did I get here? When did things get so wrong??

I want my family.

Grateful for my Husband

So of course I'd love for Chris and me to be on the same page on everything, but that's not how life works. Chris isn't interested in the church and at first that really bothered me. It caused a lot of problems in our marriage. But now looking back I don't understand why. If he isn't interested that's perfectly fine. First off IF he ever decides to become religious in anyway I'd want it to be because he was humbled to it and had his own spiritual experiences, not because it's what I desire. Also we're in two different places in life and so it's not fair to assume we're on the same page. And most importantly, Chris has been nothing but supportive of me and my decision to change. He encourages me to go to church, even helped me wake up on Sunday mornings! He has even agreed to let me tithe our money! He's letting me just give money away to something he doesn't even have faith in! He supports me in every desire I have. I just wish I had never pressured him to become religious. If he's going to accept me then I should accept him. He IS my husband after all. And I love him! :)

Book Of Mormon

This is my goal. Read, Pray, Ask, Know.
“And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. ” (Moroni 10:4)

Anyone want to join me?

It's time for me to know for myself.
It'd be fun to have someone to "compare notes" with. :)

Change

I was just thinking and it occurred to me how much I've changed this year... Who would've known a year old that I'd be such a different person now. I always thought that letting God back into my life would be hard with so many temptations around me, but it's quite the opposite. I don't know if I'm just getting older or have completely had a change of heart but nothing I used to do appeals to me in the least. I am not tempted at all to be who I once was. I just want to stay in with my family every night and play games. I'd rather read the scriptures or a talk more than well anything... shopping! It's just so amazing how much I've changed and in all this hardness of my life how I still thank God for all my many blessings every single night.

Purpose.

So I know I've been really upset lately in my blog posts, getting off this medicine has made me a little insane lol, but I'm determined. I don't want to rely on medicine. My mom is right when she says that the brain is very powerful. I'm so much more fun, passionate, and real when I'm not on anything. I just want to be me.

Having said that, the purpose of this blog is not just to cry and be upset all the time. It's a record of my journey through this trial I'm in. This is also my journey to find a testimony of Heavenly Father and how he will help me in my healing process.

I want to be able to come back and read this in years to come to hopefully show my growth in life.

I also hope that maybe someone going through this might find this blog and find comfort in the fact that they're not alone.

Crazy.

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and due May 31st.

Grandma

I'm 23. Austin was only in my life for 2 1/2 years. That's nothing... at all. That's a minute in life. But those years meant the world to me. I just think of my grandma. She lost her son Valiant so many years ago. Probably in her 30's. She's now 80. She's had to go all those years without him. And not only that, but I have no idea who he is, nor do I have interest in him. I have never considered him a part of the family or one of my mom's brothers. He's just the brother who died.

That's going to be my sweet Austin.

Life will go on without him, and soon he'll just be my dead son. I already hate that people look at me like he was such a bad thing that happened to me. He was the most amazing little boy. His heart was huge and I knew that from day one. I wish more people knew him. He's not a burden, he was a blessing. It's just hard losing such a blessing. Family is everything. One day it won't hurt so bad, and maybe then people won't look at him as some kind of illness.

This whole post makes no sense.

My Blanket.

My mom, sister, and brother-in-law made me the most beautiful blanket for my birthday this year. It took them months to make it and a lot of hard work, but I just can't get myself to sleep with it. I'm so connected to this stupid blanket my grandma made me for my wedding. I've washed it a billion times, it's faded, and it's had holes on it; but it's MY blanket. I didn't realize how important it was to me until this trip to my moms. I got this blanket almost 5 years ago and it has been with me, comforting me through some crazy, rough years. It's been spit up on, pooped on, cried on, loved on... it's been through everything. My favorite "Family Time" is just when Chris, me, and all the kids got up on the bed just to play, snuggle, or watch a movie. I loved when all 5 of us would be snuggled up in bed together. Lily and Austin always would get on Chris's back as soon as he laid down, even if he has just laid down to rest right after work before taking off his uniform, they'd be on him in a second! I don't know. Just this blanket holds so many memories. Just the feel of it calms me sometimes. I love it so much.

Blog

So I hate being depressed on this blog. This is my Family blog and should not be all bad. So I moved some things over and I started one. But it's a very personal one. I get very depressed on it and share all my thought and feeling about Austin and everything. It will also get religious. So if you don't want anything to do with that, I'd stick to reading this blog lol.

I need a place to write; to share.
http://guidemetothee.blogspot.com/

Disconnected.

I am so disconnected with the world.
I hardly have my phone on me if it's even charged, I hardly check Facebook and when I do it's only to post a status and then get off, I never want to leave my house except to go to church, I've completely stopped talking to family and friends unless they're right next to me.

I'm just in a dark place.

I'm constantly dizzy. If I could sleep away my days, I would.
I don't enjoy smiling. I don't enjoy anything.

I want answers from God. I want to find him and have a testimony of him.

All my days run together and I despise Holidays.

I just need to get off this awful medicine so I can start living again... even a little.

Mess

I am such a mess these days.
I'm pregnant and emotional. Plus I'm trying to ween off my antidepressant which is making me constantly dizzy and tired. And to top it off having another child without Austin being here is breaking my heart.

I just want to lay in bed all the time wrapped up in my blanket.

I pray every night, but I still feel nothing but pain.
Why can't I get the answers and feelings I desire?

23rd birthday.

It's my birthday and I am so incredibly unhappy. I lost that contest, which is no big deal, but it's what I've been excited about for a couple months now. I'm one year older which just mean I'm one year closer to being passive about Austin's death. You know I just have something to say about that. I love my kids so much, I really do. But Lily is soooo attatched to my mom and Grayson is soooo attatched to Chris and I KNOW that if it came down to it they were pick them. Austin was my only baby who without a doubt would have picked me. I know that's dumb but it's true. I just feel so alone. And at the same time I want to be left alone. I don't want to see everyone and do everything. I want to just lay here with my kids (Lily,Austin, and Grayson). I'm just so lost. I don't know how I got here and I don't want to be here. Chris is gone and we have no home. I just feel so lost. I hate my life. I hate birthdays. I hate so much that Austin's not here. I just want to go back. I don't want to get older. I want to go back to last Christmas and freeze time. I want to savor those precious momemts when my whole family was together... when I was happy.

It's been a rough night. Breakdown after breakdown. I know there's a plan, but I just can't understand a plan where Austin doesn't get to grow up with his sister and brother. Lily and his were bestfriends and he was such an amazing brother to Grayson. And you know, Lily will get over him and Grayson will only hear of him. It breaks my heart into tiny little pieces everytime I think about his absence in our lives. You don't understand, I would give ANYTHING to get him back, to have my family back together. People talk about the plan of salvation and blah blah blah, but they have. n't lost the dearest part of their entire lives. He was my life. He is my life. I want him home. And I want him home healthy. I would give anything... my job, my friends... ESPECIALLY my friends. I cannot believe I spent so much time trying to have friends. All that precious, precious time wasted away. My priorities were so messed up. I would give anything to get that time back

Death

I just don’t understand death… especially of a child. Maybe if the parents were awful and God wanted to give the kid peace, but this is just unbearable. I’m not me anymore, a huge part of me is dead now. I just do the steps to survive, but it’s so difficult knowing that not that long ago Austin was here. I could touch him, laugh with him, he could wear the clothes I went through today. I don’t want to get over this, I want him back. What can I do to get him back??

i despise this stupid life.

I just don’t understand death… especially of a child. Maybe if the parents were awful and God wanted to give the kid peace, but this is just unbearable. I’m not me anymore, a huge part of me is dead now. I just do the steps to survive, but it’s so difficult knowing that not that long ago Austin was here. I could touch him, laugh with him, he could wear the clothes I went through today. I don’t want to get over this, I want him back. What can I do to get him back??

Studio

Just showing my sister all my new equipment.
My studio is mostly for individuals or small families, i don't have a ton of room yet... that why these pics are so squeezed.

DISCOURAGED

^^See I'm not bad.^^

I'm so discouraged. Everyday is so full of pain. I keep thinking I should get blessings, but my mom read a talk tome that basically said getting blessings more than once can actually be a lack of faith. So I've turned photography into my coping mechanism. I finally started my business. But here's the thing... nobody wants them. I know people who have two bookings a day, I've had two ever and I gave them for free. I mean I know I'm good. And I only charge $80, plus a free cd. I mean that's less than walmart! And my pictures are soooo much better. I mean should I lower my prices?? I just feel stuck, and the only way to go on is to keep busy doing something I love. But EVERY photographer is getting work and I'm not.

I just NEED to occupy my mind so I'm not just crying all the time! ugh!

Taken at 2 am with just umberellas!