Gratitude

I have a very heavy heart tonight. My sweet baby Grayson is sick. Constantly throwing up. I am so grateful to be there for him and rock him to sleep. I'm grateful for the gift I have to be his mom right now. As I rock him and hold him like you would a baby, I'm reminded of that last day in the hospital with Austin. I held him like a baby too, he was so heavy and so cold. Weighed about the same as Gray does now. I'm just so thankful that I still have the opportunity to raise these three kids although I'm completely and utterly crushed that I couldn't use my mom healing powers with Austin and just rock him until he got better and could get up and play like all little boys should. It just breaks my heart. Feeling Grayson's warmth and hearing his breath is the most precious feeling and sound in the world. I will never take those things for granted. I will cherish those nights I'm up all night will my sick baby, it my newborn won't stop crying. My perspective has changed and all those stressful moment just melt into gratitude. I don't really know how to explain it, I just love my kids so much. All four of them.

Reading again.

I saw this and it inspired me to get back to my goal of reading the Book of Mormon and praying about it.

"And if we were to ask all of you how many have a testimony, not a belief because somebody else has said so, but how many of you have an assurance that this is God’s work, that Jesus is the Christ, that we are living eternal lives, that Joseph Smith was a prophet of the Living God, you would answer that you have this testimony that buoys you up and strengthens you and gives you satisfaction as you go forward in the world. …

...we are not dependent upon one or two or a half dozen individuals. There are thousands of members of this Church who know—it is not a question of imagination at all—they know that God lives and that Jesus is the Christ and that we are the children of God."

I want that assurance and not to live in someone else's testimony. I'm in Hel chapter 7. Not much to go!!

Uneasy

Tonight I'm feeling so off. I feel like as I'm taking time getting used to Claire, that I'm completely neglecting my relationship with Lily and Grayson. I feel like they are just so far away from me right now. I want to be 100% there for each of them... all of the time and still get everything else I need to do on top of that. I just want to hold them and play with them and I want them to grow up to be good people.

Lily

Lily is only 5 and she is one of the most amazing girls I have ever met. She is strong, positive, and has the purest of hearts. But lately I've been very worried about her. I feel like she's had to endure so many things in her short life and it's starting to wear on her. She lost her very best friend, she lost her dad twice, people come in and out of her life constantly, she's moved around so much already. I just hate that she's had to live so much in such a short time. Maybe she'll find strength in it, but lately I've been seeing something that I don't want to see. She's been acting out, losing her temper, not listening, sleep walking/talking. And when I do get " control" it's like you see loss in her eyes. I'm sure she just feels like she has no control and that things keep happening to her. I really hope all of this doesn't make her unstable as an adult. I wish I were a better parent for her. I just know I'm doing it all wrong and her craziness will be because I made the wrong parenting choices. How to I turn all of this into strength? How can I make her feel like she can do anything? I just feel like she is so lost and I don't know what to do. Children should not have to feel this way. Lily should just play and dance and enjoy her life, not worry about the next days events and who's coming and going in her life. My poor, sweet baby girl has so much pain in her life, I just want to take it away.

Ugh i just can't sleep. I wish I could make her life easier on her. She's been through so much. No child should have so much happen to her at the young age of 5. I just worry about her.

Driven

I'm very headstrong.  When I decide something, it can be difficult for anyone (myself included) to talk me out of it.  As a kid/teen it worked against me.  If I decided I was going to be a certain way, I never quit.  My parents had a very hard time with me as their daughter lol.  As a undeveloped kid I cared about all the wrong things and made lots of mistakes BUT as an adult I see it as a gift!  

I may struggle with things but the second I decide "it's time", my headstrong ways kick in and help me in amazing ways!  Even Chris is surprised how easily I can tackle something I've been struggling with forever just because I decide it's time.  After that my mind is made up and it becomes EASY!  Crazy right??  

The DAY I decided I was putting my past behind me and stopped partying and everything that came with that world was the last day I did it.  I never turned back.  And before that day I was kind of wild. 

For years I was completely addicted to chocolate, it actually started replacing meals with chocolate!  I went through a bag of chocolate in a sitting!  I wouldn't go to the grocery store if we were out of food, but if we were out of chocolate, I'd grab the kids at midnight and run out to stock up.  It was bad.  But once I decided it was time I was easy!!  I'm going on three months without chocolate!

I haven't worked out, well, ever.  I wasn't an athletic kid.  I never felt the need.  Chris started pushing me to start working out because he was concerned about my health (so much chocolate lol).  And I tries to workout and eat better but I hated it lol.  I'm really weak before I decide it's time.  It usually takes some building up to get there (in this case 5 years).  But again a week ago I decided it was time!  It's only been a week but I haven't missed a workout, my diet is so much better, I'm driven!  I know I can tackle this just like everything else I set my mind to, it's my gift!  

My broad goal is to be the best wife and mother I can be.  To be healthy and live an active lifestyle.  To be spiritually stable and have a great relationship with Heavely Father.  To be an amazing photographer with a booked schedule and to be at a point where I can take on only shoots I want.  And to enjoy life!  Just watch, I'm going to keep pushing until all my dreams come true!  These ones and my future ones!  I'm driven.

Homework with Kenzie!

Made it.

I don't know if it's because Austin was near so my emotions were extra sensitive or what, but the last couple days were so much harder than usual.  I know he was on my mind a lot, but he always is and it usually isn't THAT difficult.  But I made it through his one year.  I still cannot believe it's been a whole year.  This year has brought so much change and growth in my life and I have that sweet little boy to thank.  I just can't believe I was able to spend his one year in the temple.  A year ago I would have NEVER thought I'd be worthy within a year!  It was so peaceful there.  It's so neat sitting in a place that is so clean and the spirit just is always present!  I'm so grateful to my baby and can't wait to see his sweet face again one day.  I have come to peace with him being gone and that he has work he's doing on the other side.  I really believe he's still a huge part of our day to day life even if I can't see him.  Some days are obviously harder than others, and I'll never fully be okay with it all, but I know that the strength of our family and the love and appreciation we have have for each other is so much stronger now that we've dealt with loss in such a horrible, heartbreaking way.  We know how important family is and will never take it for granted.  I just miss my boy and can't wait for our family to be together forever.

Sometimes when you go through something as horrible as the loss of your son, after awhile you start taking the emotion out of the situation.  You start being able to talk about it as if it didn't happen to you, like you're talking about someone else.  I feel like I have come to some sort of peace about Austin.  But tonight there is no peace. I can just see him there sleeping with those fingers and that blanket.  His smell.  I loved his smell.  I remember when he'd sleep with me, I'd catch myself sniffing him.  He smelled like hospitals and laundry detergent.  Weird, I know but I loved it.  I miss his silly faces and his dance moves.  I miss his love and devotion to his sister.  I love how when she's get into trouble he's go sit with her in time-out.  This is so selfish, but I love how much he loved me.  He saw past all my weaknesses, my bad parenting, my depression, he just loved me unconditionally.  And he never ever complained.  I know I could have given him a better life, and I know that regardless he was satisfied.  I just want to be the person he wants me to be.  I want to make him proud, and above all I want to be sealed to him forever.  I'm just rambling, this whole post probably make no sense!  My head hurts.

One Day.

Today I'm really hating the words, "one day". I usually find peace in those words, but today I just find emptiness and sadness. I know where Austin is and what he's doing, but days like today, he belongs here with his mom. I just want to find the peace I've found this year. The last couple weeks I just feel awful. And it doesn't help that Grayson practically hates me. Ugh. I'm just over today.

Easter

Easter is a very personal holiday for me because it hold a lot of promises that I grasp on to every day. Last year on Easter we were preparing to take Austin to the hospital to fix his heart. Well his heart was fixed, but not in the way I would have chosen. But Jesus made it possible that I will get to see my baby again one day and we will both live again one day together, along with the rest of my wonderful family. Jesus is a beautiful man who has forgiven me and has given my life hope and strength. I'm so excited for that day I can hug my Austin again and thank my Savior for saving me every single day. I just can't believe it's been a year since Austin left. I pray he stays close to Chris for the next few days to comfort him and give him peace. I know it's dumb but I'm really glad I let him pig out and eat all his Easter candy last year before taking him to get that surgery done. I miss you Aus, so much. Here's a pic from last Easter.

Bedtime.

Bedtime for most parents is the best time of the day, because it allows them to have some alone time. But for me it's the absolute worst time of the day. Maybe it's because of Austin, or maybe I'm just too attached to my kids, but every night my bedtime routine seems to get longer and longer. I just hate saying goodnight to my sweet little kids. It's so hard for me for some reason. I guess one reason is because they seem to be extra cute and loving at bedtime. But also it's because it's just one more day gone forever, and they are just one day older. I just don't want to miss a second of their childhood. Soon they'll be in school, then they'll grow up there and I'll be left behind and most likely hated for a good part of their young lives. It's just so sad. I want to wake them up and give them all the loves I can give. I know I should just enjoy the present, but sometimes it's hard to not mourn the present also, because all too soon it will be just another memory.

Cousin Bath time

Cousin playtime!

Easter 2012

We decorated eggs today at the Putnams!  Celebrating Easter early tomorrow since my mom had to leave town soon.

Just another visit with the Putnams!

On our way back to Colorado, we stopped in Tennessee to see Grandma Birdie.  The kids love playing with all the pigs, chickens, and other animals!  My mom came with me too!

After a pretty big depression, I finally got myself to do a photoshoot, first since I left CO.  Felt pretty food, although I felt lost and forgot tons of camera basics lol.  The pictures were hit or miss, but there were a few I really like.  This is a couple from my mom's ward who recently joined the army!

Goal

I only have a couple more weeks in Ny. Do you think I can make it??

I do.

Lily's talk.

Lily gave her first talk in church today. I think she did great, hardly needed any help! Sorry about my talking... kind of ruined it. :(

So proud of my Lily love!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yExqe_7k7r0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

blessings

I think it's awesome that when you start counting your blessings instead of your hardships, the more and more blessings you start to get! In my opinion atleast.