Obama 2012

Today I voted for the first time, for Romney!  I was so excited for him to be our new president, I had high hopes for this country.  And I voted no on legalizing pot in Colorado.  Nope, Obama is our present for another 4 years, and Pot is legal.  All I'm saying is it's time to repent, read the bible, and start preparing for the end.  I'm just really disappointed in America and scared for it's future.  But things have to and will go as God has plans and so I'm expecting the future to be a pretty unpleasant place, but I'm glad I'll have the comfort of knows the joyous days that will follow.  It may happen in my lifetime or maybe 5 generations from now, but I feel like we're heading in that direction now. :(

Yesterday's session

Last night's session made me super happy, here's a few. :)

Press on photos to make larger. :)

Backtracking

I'm going to be doing a lot of older posts, you probably won't notice since they'll be on the dates they belong on, but just a heads up. :)

Book of Mormon

I never updated!  The night before my 24th birthday (September 21st 2012), I finished!  It was amazing, amazing night, and the beginning of an amazing year.  I love Heavenly Father and all the blessings and trials in my life!  I love belonging to The Church of Jesus Christ, where no doctrine changes and everything is just wholesome and good!  I feel very blessed.

Halloween!

Halloween was fun this year!  We went Trunk-or-Treating twice, went to a cookie decorating play date at our friend, Maggie's, and then went Trick-or-Treating with Maggie.  The kids had a great year!  Lily was Audrey Hepburn, Gray was a Lion, and Claire was an Elephant.  We definitely missed Austin a lot of this Halloween.  I posted a picture of Halloween 2010 up on Facebook and probably looked at it 100000 times.  He's just so sweet and I miss him.  Chris was awesome, while I took Lily and Grayson Trick-or-Treating, he stayed home with Claire, passed out candy, AND my business card!  So sweet. :)

Changes are coming.

I'm changing my layout so here's he memory of my blog now. :)

Halloween 2012

Blogs coming together

I went back to look for a picture of Austin and it reminded me of why I blog.  So I combined my Guide Me To Thee blog and this one and now I'm going to get back to blogging.  Can't wait!

Friends!

True friends help us be better than we would be on our own.
--Robert D. Hales

SO true!  I only want to be friends with people who inspire me to be more than I am now!!  I'm not a fan of people who just accept and settle for who they are now with no progression, who gossip and bring other people down, or who bring me down.  Only uplifting people are welcomed in my life! And I'm lucky enough to have have a handful of these ladies in my life! <3

Facebook Status

My first ever religious defending! :):)
I know I don't know much yet, and I'm really not in a place right now where I care to teach my people my religion in hopes that their heart will be open to it, but it was fun anyway. :)

K (status)-
So I am reading up on the presidential candidates, yeah I am seeing either way we are screwed. Just did some research on mormonism and no offense to anyone who is a mormon, but wow. Just wow lol.


D-
Mormonism is faulty as opposed to what?

K- 
Just doesn't make sense that if they are christians & believe in the old & new testaments...which don't say anything about an angel coming to earth and giving an earthy man hidden plates. Doesn't go along with what the bible says. It just sounds kinda crazy that all these people belive it. The plates were taken back to heaven...idk just wack. The bible is very long and detailed, God would not have let out something so very important

K-
 In my opinion, all the extra things "christain" religions have added to the bible are non sense. I don't believe in all the dominations, if you are a christian just go by the bible. No need to add/take away. 

D-
It seems to be just as plausible as any other religion, in my opinion. But I guess that is where a believer's sanction of faith comes into play. As you may know, the King Jame's version of the bible had sections selected and others rejected for the "official" KJV. I think that kind of adulteration warrants just as much suspicion as the book of mormom?

K-
Yeah, I mean I get your point. But considering they went by the bible, how can they believe some guy found this and just believe it even though going by the bible there would be no such thing. 

D-
It's not too hard to believe. People fall into differing paradigms all the time. Just look at Scientology.

Chris-
So I am not Mormon but Amy is, so I have some first hand on the Mormon side of things. I was also raised Southern Baptist. With that said the KJV of the bible is false in complete and misinterpreted to such an extent that all churches now will say before a sermon that this is the preachers interpretation of seeing things. Mormons before they were know as Mormons were basically old Christians dating back to before the crucifixion. Joseph Smith ( the guy reading the gold plates) was for told in the old/new testaments. Most Christians who say one thing or another is not in the bible have never read the bible front to back. So watch who your source is on certain things. I will say i do not believe in the LDS church but I have seen the inside of how they work and the type of community they promote. Based on this firsthand knowledge I have to say LDS members are more giving and humble than any other church I have yet to attend. So if you are wondering if morally Romney is fit to be president, I wouldn't worry he believes in the same God you do and the same books

Me-
Also the Book of Mormon is another witness of Christ, it doesn't take anything away from the Bible. And I don't want to start a debate or anything but if god gave prophets to people in the older days why wouldn't we have prophets? He doesn't ever change. He is perfect.

Me- 
Okay I found it in the Bible...
Ezekiel 37:15–20
"The stick or record of Judah—the Old Testament and the New Testament—and the stick or record of Ephraim—the Book of Mormon, which is another testament of Jesus Christ are one in our hands. Ezekiel’s prophecy now stands fulfilled”

Me (again lol) -
And you have to remember in the ancient days 30 books were taken out of the bible by man and those contained very important truths and they had a meeting I guess you'd say a long time ago where a bunch of Christains came together and got rid of or retranslated the bible so they all agreed on how it should be and that's ridiculous, because the Bible isn't a book of man and their wants, it's a book of GOD and his wants. People shouldn't retranslate anything. Sorry for all these posts lol. I'm a little attached to my religion. ;)

Chris-
Anyway now that you know, try not to vote just on religion since most are so diluted or weird or begin with. Try to look at the type of person the candidate is and and his failures and successes. At the very least look at Romney's fiscal record in businesses he takes businesses who are failing and turns them around. Now to me that sounds like experience our entire country needs.

K-

I know things get twisted, and I dont believe anything I hear. That is why I researched it. And I dont dislike anyone bc of their beliefs. Just dont agree always.

K-

And I wasnt saying that was my reason on voting...but I think a president will be a big part of the end of times.

(^which I do agree with)

K-

Amy, I am looking it up now...kinda weird I opened my bible up and it was right at ezekiel.

K- 

Ok after reading, I took that as making the old testament & new on book. Not separate. But it definetly is interesting. New topic for me & my gma :)

Me-

Most Christains think that, but back in the day that ezekiel was writing, people wrote on scroll which when rolled up resemble "Sticks" It mentions the house of Judah(Jews- the record is what we know of as the bible today), and the stick of Joseph. In the Book of Mormon Lehi's descendants were of the lineage of Joseph, hence Stick of Joseph is the Book of Mormon.

It's one of those books that no matter what anyone says is something people have a hard time swallowing, especially if they were born and raised to only believe in the Bible. That's why in my church, they tell you to read the Book of Mormon and pray to know if it's true (and if you do you will know). Don't rely on other people's testimonies in life, because it's really easy to fall away when you do that. I know, because I did most of my life lol.

D-

Def don't think faith is a bad attribute even if I don't agree totally with it. It is a religion that has many followers. Actually have many cousins and an uncle and aunt. I'd say look at what each guy represents for me that's what I am looking at. Just look at everything realistically and don't by in to the hype. Trust your gut and good luck with your choice. Hope all is well.

---

...and that's it!  I know nothing changed her thought towards my religion, but it was fun having an opportunity to defend it. :)

Journaling

I feel bad that I haven't been keeping up with this journal as much as I should be, especially since I'm in a very critical part of my life and goals. I'm still reading the Book of Mormon, when I moved back to Colorado life just got... busy. But I'm so close I can taste it. And then I can do what the Book of Mormon promises. Read and then pray and you will KNOW and have a testimony of Heavenly Father. But my Bishop in NY told me to pray before and after I read each time and that I can have many experiences where I feel the spirit. And I can say that I have... so often. I always thought of God as some distant being that we're all just supposed to believe in and have faith in, but he's not. He can guide us in our everyday life. I pray to him as a friend instead of some distant royal father or something and I feel the spirit constantly, I get answers, I get promises, and I get so much comfort. I can't deny how much he's been there for me when I ask him to be. He has CARRIED me this last year and it has been amazing seeing such a wonderful change in my life and heart and finding that true happiness I've been looking for for so long now. I've had that "might change of heart". I'm just so blessed!! And recently I have asked him to help me with one of my biggest weakness and to help turn it into a strength, and I believe, no I KNOW he's helping me reach that goal. I am just so blessed. I'll let you know how it goes after I finish reading the BOM this week. :):)

Gratitude

I have a very heavy heart tonight. My sweet baby Grayson is sick. Constantly throwing up. I am so grateful to be there for him and rock him to sleep. I'm grateful for the gift I have to be his mom right now. As I rock him and hold him like you would a baby, I'm reminded of that last day in the hospital with Austin. I held him like a baby too, he was so heavy and so cold. Weighed about the same as Gray does now. I'm just so thankful that I still have the opportunity to raise these three kids although I'm completely and utterly crushed that I couldn't use my mom healing powers with Austin and just rock him until he got better and could get up and play like all little boys should. It just breaks my heart. Feeling Grayson's warmth and hearing his breath is the most precious feeling and sound in the world. I will never take those things for granted. I will cherish those nights I'm up all night will my sick baby, it my newborn won't stop crying. My perspective has changed and all those stressful moment just melt into gratitude. I don't really know how to explain it, I just love my kids so much. All four of them.

Reading again.

I saw this and it inspired me to get back to my goal of reading the Book of Mormon and praying about it.

"And if we were to ask all of you how many have a testimony, not a belief because somebody else has said so, but how many of you have an assurance that this is God’s work, that Jesus is the Christ, that we are living eternal lives, that Joseph Smith was a prophet of the Living God, you would answer that you have this testimony that buoys you up and strengthens you and gives you satisfaction as you go forward in the world. …

...we are not dependent upon one or two or a half dozen individuals. There are thousands of members of this Church who know—it is not a question of imagination at all—they know that God lives and that Jesus is the Christ and that we are the children of God."

I want that assurance and not to live in someone else's testimony. I'm in Hel chapter 7. Not much to go!!

Uneasy

Tonight I'm feeling so off. I feel like as I'm taking time getting used to Claire, that I'm completely neglecting my relationship with Lily and Grayson. I feel like they are just so far away from me right now. I want to be 100% there for each of them... all of the time and still get everything else I need to do on top of that. I just want to hold them and play with them and I want them to grow up to be good people.

Lily

Lily is only 5 and she is one of the most amazing girls I have ever met. She is strong, positive, and has the purest of hearts. But lately I've been very worried about her. I feel like she's had to endure so many things in her short life and it's starting to wear on her. She lost her very best friend, she lost her dad twice, people come in and out of her life constantly, she's moved around so much already. I just hate that she's had to live so much in such a short time. Maybe she'll find strength in it, but lately I've been seeing something that I don't want to see. She's been acting out, losing her temper, not listening, sleep walking/talking. And when I do get " control" it's like you see loss in her eyes. I'm sure she just feels like she has no control and that things keep happening to her. I really hope all of this doesn't make her unstable as an adult. I wish I were a better parent for her. I just know I'm doing it all wrong and her craziness will be because I made the wrong parenting choices. How to I turn all of this into strength? How can I make her feel like she can do anything? I just feel like she is so lost and I don't know what to do. Children should not have to feel this way. Lily should just play and dance and enjoy her life, not worry about the next days events and who's coming and going in her life. My poor, sweet baby girl has so much pain in her life, I just want to take it away.

Ugh i just can't sleep. I wish I could make her life easier on her. She's been through so much. No child should have so much happen to her at the young age of 5. I just worry about her.

Driven

I'm very headstrong.  When I decide something, it can be difficult for anyone (myself included) to talk me out of it.  As a kid/teen it worked against me.  If I decided I was going to be a certain way, I never quit.  My parents had a very hard time with me as their daughter lol.  As a undeveloped kid I cared about all the wrong things and made lots of mistakes BUT as an adult I see it as a gift!  

I may struggle with things but the second I decide "it's time", my headstrong ways kick in and help me in amazing ways!  Even Chris is surprised how easily I can tackle something I've been struggling with forever just because I decide it's time.  After that my mind is made up and it becomes EASY!  Crazy right??  

The DAY I decided I was putting my past behind me and stopped partying and everything that came with that world was the last day I did it.  I never turned back.  And before that day I was kind of wild. 

For years I was completely addicted to chocolate, it actually started replacing meals with chocolate!  I went through a bag of chocolate in a sitting!  I wouldn't go to the grocery store if we were out of food, but if we were out of chocolate, I'd grab the kids at midnight and run out to stock up.  It was bad.  But once I decided it was time I was easy!!  I'm going on three months without chocolate!

I haven't worked out, well, ever.  I wasn't an athletic kid.  I never felt the need.  Chris started pushing me to start working out because he was concerned about my health (so much chocolate lol).  And I tries to workout and eat better but I hated it lol.  I'm really weak before I decide it's time.  It usually takes some building up to get there (in this case 5 years).  But again a week ago I decided it was time!  It's only been a week but I haven't missed a workout, my diet is so much better, I'm driven!  I know I can tackle this just like everything else I set my mind to, it's my gift!  

My broad goal is to be the best wife and mother I can be.  To be healthy and live an active lifestyle.  To be spiritually stable and have a great relationship with Heavely Father.  To be an amazing photographer with a booked schedule and to be at a point where I can take on only shoots I want.  And to enjoy life!  Just watch, I'm going to keep pushing until all my dreams come true!  These ones and my future ones!  I'm driven.

Homework with Kenzie!

Made it.

I don't know if it's because Austin was near so my emotions were extra sensitive or what, but the last couple days were so much harder than usual.  I know he was on my mind a lot, but he always is and it usually isn't THAT difficult.  But I made it through his one year.  I still cannot believe it's been a whole year.  This year has brought so much change and growth in my life and I have that sweet little boy to thank.  I just can't believe I was able to spend his one year in the temple.  A year ago I would have NEVER thought I'd be worthy within a year!  It was so peaceful there.  It's so neat sitting in a place that is so clean and the spirit just is always present!  I'm so grateful to my baby and can't wait to see his sweet face again one day.  I have come to peace with him being gone and that he has work he's doing on the other side.  I really believe he's still a huge part of our day to day life even if I can't see him.  Some days are obviously harder than others, and I'll never fully be okay with it all, but I know that the strength of our family and the love and appreciation we have have for each other is so much stronger now that we've dealt with loss in such a horrible, heartbreaking way.  We know how important family is and will never take it for granted.  I just miss my boy and can't wait for our family to be together forever.

Sometimes when you go through something as horrible as the loss of your son, after awhile you start taking the emotion out of the situation.  You start being able to talk about it as if it didn't happen to you, like you're talking about someone else.  I feel like I have come to some sort of peace about Austin.  But tonight there is no peace. I can just see him there sleeping with those fingers and that blanket.  His smell.  I loved his smell.  I remember when he'd sleep with me, I'd catch myself sniffing him.  He smelled like hospitals and laundry detergent.  Weird, I know but I loved it.  I miss his silly faces and his dance moves.  I miss his love and devotion to his sister.  I love how when she's get into trouble he's go sit with her in time-out.  This is so selfish, but I love how much he loved me.  He saw past all my weaknesses, my bad parenting, my depression, he just loved me unconditionally.  And he never ever complained.  I know I could have given him a better life, and I know that regardless he was satisfied.  I just want to be the person he wants me to be.  I want to make him proud, and above all I want to be sealed to him forever.  I'm just rambling, this whole post probably make no sense!  My head hurts.

One Day.

Today I'm really hating the words, "one day". I usually find peace in those words, but today I just find emptiness and sadness. I know where Austin is and what he's doing, but days like today, he belongs here with his mom. I just want to find the peace I've found this year. The last couple weeks I just feel awful. And it doesn't help that Grayson practically hates me. Ugh. I'm just over today.