Feels like home.

I love going to the temple. I love the spirit there. I crave that feeling and wish I could go more often. But that has not always been the case. When I was younger and in a more rebellious time of my life I went to the temple, unworthily, so my parents wouldn't know that I was making bad choices. I hated the feeling in the temple back then, I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. I did not want to be there at all.

Our church has a program for the youth called EFY (Especially For Youth) where you spend a week going to classes, making friends, doing service projects, and being surrounded by great LDS people. I looked forward to it every year, it was the highlight of my summers! But the very last year I went, again I wasn't living my life right. I hated EFY. I didn't want to be there. I left after one day being there!

After having those experiences it made me think of Heaven. Maybe we won't be begging God to let us stay, maybe if we aren't worthy and living our lives right we'll feel uncomfortable and will WANT to leave. We won't want to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father. Maybe Jesus will be BEGGING us to use his atonement to not just repent, but to change our hearts and want to stay.

Who knows, all I know is that I will be so excited to meet Heavenly Father and to be in his presence, because I'll live a life where the spiritual feeling I get in the temple or when I wholeheartedly pray will be welcomed!

This whole post is inspired by an amazing talk by Brad Wilcox. " his Grace is Sufficient". :)

Things

I really struggle with things.  I like them.  I want them.  And I want the best!  Clothes, house decor, crafts, house, cars, food, livelihood, just everything!  I want it all!  I seriously have 15+ cardigans in my closet, who needs that many cardigans??  I don't know, every time I read the Book of Mormon or listen to talks and they talk about how happiness is found in things unseen and that riches don't bring joy it always gets me thinking.  I heard a talk tonight about how these people in Africa who are newly baptized have absolutely nothing, but they have so so much more than probably most of us.  If that makes sense?  And then I see all the LDS (Mormon) actors/actresses make it big and then leave the church and go crazy.  I really think that things, although they do bring short-term joy, won't make you happy.

Here's an example, when I was younger I sought out pretty things.  Pretty friends, cute boyfriends, nice clothes, I always had my hair done... you get the point.  And I was happy.  But was I??  I always, always, always felt insecure, I felt like my friends were talking about me behind my back, my clothes were never as cute as my friends, and they always had cuter guys.  Nothing was enough.

Now when I look for friends, I look for genuinely good people.  People who look on the bright side of things, people who strive to be better, people who are confident in who they are.  Some people are pretty looking and some are beautiful.  I'd rather hangout with someone who is truly beautiful on the inside (outside in optional).

Now that I'm here in my life, I NEED to spend less time on the things of this world, and spend more time on me and where my heart is.  A new outfit is fun and I'm all about occasional shopping trips, but that won't make me happy.  The Gospel will make me happy.  Living a life of goodness.  Keeping judgmental thoughts out of my mind of seeing the good in people.  Those things will make me truly happy.  I need to stop comparing myself to my super creative, amazing sisters/friends and just be me.  Because you know what?  I like me.  I haven't really, truly been able to say that for years, but I do.  I need some work, but I am happier than I have ever been.  I have a family that I love so much, especially my sweet husband.  Just look at what the Gospel has done for us.  We are so happy and cherish every moment together and with our kids.

Anyway I guess my next goal is to stop focusing on my undecorated/empty mantle, my old furniture, and my dated clothing and start focusing on what will really bring me joy; family and the gospel.

This is going to be a hard one for me!!

Re-evaluating 2013 Goals

When I made my goals for last year I had last year on my mind, but now it's a new year and my priorities have changed and I have different goals that are more important to me.  So I'm going to reevaluate my goals and add/take away some. :)

Here are my original goals

-Read the entire Standard Works!!!! 

(Just the BOM and D&C this year, I'll read the Bible next year)

-Do atleast one act of service a day 

(still trying to do this one)

-Keep up with the laundry and dishes 

(doing pretty good, but I do have off days)

-Eat out less (twice a month once as a fam and one as a date!) (and special occasions)!) 

(fail so far lol, we enjoy eating out)

-Start a workout routine (atleast twice a week!)

(fail- so far but hoping for more energy this spring/summer)

-Run a 5k(or two, or three ;))

(none yet, but this is still a goal)

-Make healthier choices 

(Going strong, not to where I want to be, but I'm getting there... baby steps)

-SAVE

(out of debt, but not great at saving lol)

-Become a better FRIEND

(This one is hard for me.  Since starting photography my already bad anxiety has gotten so so much worse.  I seriously live in stress, and when I'm not dealing with strangers I'm a big time homebody.  I love having friends, but I like hanging out at home with my family so much more, I still get anxiety even with my closest friends so it's hard to choose friends over relaxation, BUT I've decided I need to have friends so my new goal is to hangout face to face once a week with a friend.  I'm really trying to stick to it.  This week I'm having a Cupcake Date with some photographer friends.)

-Read more books and watch less TV!

(Definitely haven't been doing this, I need to find some good books!!)

-Share the gospel more

(I feel like I've done this somewhat, I always try to encourage people to learn more about the gospel on my FB or blog, and I try to live as an example so people can see my light and want it too)

-Keep the Sabbath Day Holy every Sunday!

(I'm actually doing pretty good at this SO FAR!)

-Project 365 (and Project 52 challenge)

(huge fail, but I've changed it to just trying to take pictures of my kids more often, I took hardly any in 2011 and regret it so much!)

-Never let work come first.

(I only book session 2 (sometimes 3) times a week, which is good and I try not to edit except for when Lily is at school and Claire and Gray are napping)

-Change wake-up time from 7am to 6am!

(Still working on this one lol.  I'm at 7:30 right now.  I'm going the opposite way lol!)

-Improve on handwriting and vocabulary

(I got a few print outs, but haven't had much time to work on it... still a goal though!!)

Feeling the love.

Sometime I'm just overwhelmed with the life I've been given. my cup really does runneth over. I'm so grateful and happy. I have the most wonderful husband who supports me, makes me laugh, and is my very best friend. I have the most precious children a mom could ask for, and I just want to hold them close to me and kiss them and never stop! I have parents and sisters who I love so much! We are all best best friends, I have in-laws who have truly become family to me and I love them. I have the Gospel which is one of the most precious gifts I could have. I feel God's love for me everyday and I know he knows and loves me. I have friends who still remain friends no matter how far away we live from each other, I have a home, I live comfortably, I have GOOD food in my kitchen, my family is healthy, I have the most amazing ward, I get to see my little man Austin again, I miss him soooo much and it's such a comfort to know that we will be together again and I'll get to give him hugs and kisses again and feel his warmth, I get to live in Colorado which is the most beautiful, relaxing state I've ever lived in (seriously its like living it a painting!), and just EVERYTHING! I'm surrounded by blessings and I'm so happy. Tonight I'm feeling especially blessed to be going to church tomorrow with Chris by my side and him WANTING to be there and I'm excited to sit in Sacrament with my family.

a little vent.

When it rains it pours for sure.
The whole unexpected session this morning happened which is extra bad because I suffer from anxiety and it won't go away. Then Chris told me he won't be home until tomorrow. I'm sleepy but I have deadlines, Blackbird came on pandora and it got me thinking about how Gray is 2 1/2 now and the same age as Aus... and I REALLY don't want to go there right now. I just feel blah, the kitchen and family room are a disaster, etc, etc, etc. Okay now my long vent is over. Time to get my attitude of gratitude back on...

Chris

Chris has me SO excited!  In the last week he has read the whole Gospel principles book, Joseph Smith History, The Articles of Faith, and right now he's reading some Priesthood manual.  Pretty awesome, huh?  He said he wants to start coming to church with me more and I guess he's been praying as well.  Do you know what this could mean???  This is the BEST news ever!  Even if he doesn't join, he is laying down a foundation right now and opening himself up to his own spiritual experiences!  I'm so excited!  I hope God will fill his heart with the spirit!  I'm so excited that the possibility of us getting married in the temple is now becoming more hopeful!!  I better start saving!!!  EEEK! 
I LOVE the gospel!

Compliment

My friend, Maggie said the sweetest thing to me today and I just HAD to share!  She said that sometimes she looks at older pictures of me and she can just see how much brighter I am now, and that she can just tell how much I've changed just by looking at me.  She said my eyes just have more light now.  Made my day!!

The Field

It's crazy how much this really does feel like a deployment! It's only been a couple days and when we get the chance to talk on the phone, it just feel like its real! Also I didn't realize how dependent and attached Claire is to me until now. I think I've just babied her so much and now if I'm not holding her AND giving her all my attention she gets MAD. It's not good. :(

Joseph Smith History

I think Joseph Smith History is so interesting. I had to read it for my lesson tomorrow and I think all people should read it, member or not (its short). I just love it and the same things that were going on back then are going on today.

Anyway I'm glad I read it. I had heard the vision story before, never took the time to read it.

Resolutions.

2013 Goals

-Read the entire Standard Works!!!!

-Do atleast one act of service a day

-Keep up with the laundry and dishes

-Eat out less (twice a month once as a fam and one as a date!) (and special occasions)!)

-Start a workout routine (atleast twice a week!)
-Run a 5k(or two, or three ;))

-Make healthier choices 

-SAVE

-Become a better FRIEND

-Read more books and watch less TV!

-Share the gospel more

-Keep the Sabbath Day Holy every Sunday!

-Project 365 (and Project 52 challenge)

-Never let work come first.

-Change wake-up time from 7am to 6am!

-Improve on handwriting and vocabulary

I have written my game plan and found ways to keep me accountable.  Let's see how the year goes!  Last year I accomplished all my goals but one, and I'm on a never-stop-trying-to-better-yourself mode.

My year of miracles.

At the beginning of 2012 life was rough.  I had just gotten off all my anti-depressant medications that I have been on since I was around 14 and they've only gotten stronger over the years.  I was sleeping in until noon and staying up way past midnight.  When I was up I was pretty much a zombie.  I was neglecting my kids.  I wanted to quit photography and I hadn't picked up my camera in months, basically I was a mess. 

  It was around this time that I decided something had to change.  I needed God in my life and not just part-time.  I decided it was time to find out which church I should go to.  In my youth I attended many Catholic, Baptist, and Non-Denomination churches as well as the LDS church.  In the LDS church they have a promise in the Book of Mormon that if you read it with an open heart and then pray to know if that is the True Church, you will know through revelation.  I'm not going to lie, I already believed but I was a little skeptical.  I WANTED to believe.  Going to all the other churches in my youth was good, but they never felt true.  Yeah I felt the spirit when they were teaching a good lesson, but not in the same way as I do with the LDS church.  Anyway I read and read, got lazy at times, but I got through it.  I finished the day before my 24th birthday (September 21st 2012).  Then I prayed.  And it was a beautiful night.  I felt the spirit so strongly and had the confirmation I needed.  You can find out more about how our church got restored at Mormon.org. :) <<< see that Missionary work?? lol

As I was reading I found my new favorite Scripture in Ether 12.
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

The first thing I thought to myself was, "THIS IS IT!  This is the answer I've been looking for!"  I just couldn't change my lifestyle, my horrible schedule, my bad habits, my lack of motivation, being a not-so-great mother and wife and so on.  I was weak.  And I couldn't do it myself.  And this was my low.  So I prayed and told God all my frustrations, reminded him of this Scripture, told him I need help, and told him everything I needed help with.  Then I can't tell you exactly what happened, but I knew he'd help me. 

It was slow and I hardly noticed, but look at me now.  I've become the mother and wife I've always wanted to be, I'm organized, my house is clean most of the time, my schedule is planned out, I'm MOTIVATED (which is something I thought I'd never be), I go to bed and wake up and good times.  It's amazing and I KNOW it was God who helped me get to this point.  And I KNOW he'll continuously help me if I humbly come to him. 

Another way he has helped me is through photography.  I suffer from anxiety.  I have a mini panic attack before every photoshoot and it has been very hard to keep going and overcome it.  So before every session I started praying to ease my anxiety, to take pictures that my clients will be happy with, and to help me get through it.  And after I pray I always take a deep breath and get on with the session.  At first it was still hard, and it's STILL hard, but I feel like it gets a little easier as I keep going.  And after I pray I always feel a little at ease.  I know it's God's comfort.  I know it's such a little thing, but it's a big thing to me.  My anxiety has held me back for years and I'm so glad that I'm slowly getting a handle on it.

Other miracles this year are more spiritual, sacred ones that I don't feel comfortable sharing.  But God certainly knows me.  He knows my trials, my life, and my family.  He knows the big picture and I'm so grateful for all the tender mercies I've received in my personal life. 

This has truly been a year of miracles for me.

Next year in 2013 I plan to serve more, share his gospel more, be an instrument, etc.  He's done so so so much for me and I'm so grateful!  God is good!

Feeling Good.

Before Aus passed away Feeling Good by Michael Buble was my absolute favorite song and I used to sing my heart out and was so overly grateful (not religiously) for everything I had and all the love in my life. It was my theme song. But a couple days after Austin left us, it was on and the hatred for that song was beyond words could describe. I did not want a new day or a new dawn and I definitely was NOT feeling good. It's funny because since then I've healed so much and have come to an understanding and acceptance on his death, but every time that song comes on I still rush to change it. It's a song from my past and I just have no desire to hear it again. Anyway It just came on and I was planning on trying to listen to it and about three seconds into the words I had to rush to change it, it's weird how a song can take you back to a place and time and remind you of feelings you don't want to feel.

Obama 2012

Today I voted for the first time, for Romney!  I was so excited for him to be our new president, I had high hopes for this country.  And I voted no on legalizing pot in Colorado.  Nope, Obama is our present for another 4 years, and Pot is legal.  All I'm saying is it's time to repent, read the bible, and start preparing for the end.  I'm just really disappointed in America and scared for it's future.  But things have to and will go as God has plans and so I'm expecting the future to be a pretty unpleasant place, but I'm glad I'll have the comfort of knows the joyous days that will follow.  It may happen in my lifetime or maybe 5 generations from now, but I feel like we're heading in that direction now. :(

Yesterday's session

Last night's session made me super happy, here's a few. :)

Press on photos to make larger. :)

Backtracking

I'm going to be doing a lot of older posts, you probably won't notice since they'll be on the dates they belong on, but just a heads up. :)

Book of Mormon

I never updated!  The night before my 24th birthday (September 21st 2012), I finished!  It was amazing, amazing night, and the beginning of an amazing year.  I love Heavenly Father and all the blessings and trials in my life!  I love belonging to The Church of Jesus Christ, where no doctrine changes and everything is just wholesome and good!  I feel very blessed.

Halloween!

Halloween was fun this year!  We went Trunk-or-Treating twice, went to a cookie decorating play date at our friend, Maggie's, and then went Trick-or-Treating with Maggie.  The kids had a great year!  Lily was Audrey Hepburn, Gray was a Lion, and Claire was an Elephant.  We definitely missed Austin a lot of this Halloween.  I posted a picture of Halloween 2010 up on Facebook and probably looked at it 100000 times.  He's just so sweet and I miss him.  Chris was awesome, while I took Lily and Grayson Trick-or-Treating, he stayed home with Claire, passed out candy, AND my business card!  So sweet. :)

Changes are coming.

I'm changing my layout so here's he memory of my blog now. :)

Halloween 2012

Blogs coming together

I went back to look for a picture of Austin and it reminded me of why I blog.  So I combined my Guide Me To Thee blog and this one and now I'm going to get back to blogging.  Can't wait!