Wednesday, December 14, 2011


So when I lived in Belgium, the whole pregnancy process was different. Every apt you got an ultrasound, and then around 23 weeks, they give you a 3D ultrasound to do a full exam. Here they do three and that it, and no 3D.

This makes me mad. Very mad. Mad enough to try to change it, but how?? They examined Austin's heart in every apt but never noticed his heart problem until the 3D one. I mean I see SO many babies die at birth of the same thing Austin had, and he lived till he was almost 3. We did so many things that I think made a huge difference. I am just so mad, that my baby has a higher chance of having a heart defect, yet they aren't planning on doing anything about it. I am mad.

Sunday, December 11, 2011


I hate baby names.

Let's begin.

I am a believer. I always have been. I believed in Santa until I was in 5th or 6th grade and my parents had to sit me down and tell me. And for a long time after that, I still believed and had just thought my parents had lost their belief, like all adults do in movies.

So when my mom tells me a sacred, spiritual experience, there is no doubt in my mind that it's true. whether it is or not doesn't concern me... I believe. Or when people bear their testimony of the gospel... I doubt nothing.

Well here's the thing, Santa isn't real.

So as much and I want my belief to be enough, it's not. So today I'm beginning my road to knowing.

I believe in faith, but when you're presented a way to KNOW if the gospel is true, I think it's something worth doing.

So I'm going to read the whole Book of Mormon. And then pray.

"Years ago my great-great-grandfather picked up a copy of the Book of Mormon for the first time. He opened it to the center and read a few pages. He then declared,“That book was either written by God or the devil, and I am going to find out who wrote it.”
^ ditto, I plan to find out as well. :)

I know I've started before, but this time I'm determined to get through it, and pray while it's fresh on my mind. I'll let yall know!

Saturday, December 03, 2011


I know this is stupid to be upset about, but I'm really sad that I never got to attend any of my sister's weddings, and now I won't even get to attend my little sisters.

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Still apart, but always together.

Can I just say that I love my husband and how much our relationship is growing? People who just give up on marriage after a year or two, shame on y'all. We're all human, we're always growing and adapting. Chris and I might have had a rough start and i'm not going to lie, I've looked up divorce online once or twice, but i'm so glad that I have a family that believes in marriage and believes in what Chris and I have.

I mean 5 years ago, Chris and I were crazy teenagers. We didn't have a long-term thought in our heads. But now look at us! We are both changing so much for the better... in such different ways!

Obviously, I've embraced a more religious lifestyle. And when I committed, I COMMITTED. I don't party on Saturday and then go to Church on Sunday. No, every aspect of my life is different. I pray every night, morning, and throughout the day. I read every self-help religious book I can get my hand on, I don't party at all. I don't even drink the occasional glass of wine or say even the more innocent of cuss words. I am not perfect, but I try everyday a little harder to be a little better. I'm sure that all God really wants us to do. Anyway back to Chris and I. Becoming religious again has made me want to be a better wife and mother. It has made me look at sex a completely different way. It has changed my priorities to "family first". It has made me want to grow as a person in every possible way.

Chris, on the other side, is changing in a completely none religious way, but just as good in my eyes. He's just growing into a man. He also is all about family. I've loved how much he's been calling his family and trying to be apart of their lives. I love that when we talk, It's SO much deeper than it used to be. He wants to make the kids and I happy. He is SO committed to our family, and so committed to me. He is supportive in everything I do, from buying THOUSANDS of dollars worth of photography equipment, to helping me go to church every week, all the way to watching the kids whenever I go through my "going out everyday" phases. He's always been one to say yes, and do to everything in his power to make us happy.

When I go through my depression, he completely takes over the household. He goes to work all morning, then comes home, feeds the family, cleans the house, and then relaxes with the kids and let's me be alone. I appreciate this so much, but I don't want to do this to him ever again. He should get to come home from a stressful day of work, eat a meal made my me, and relax with the family. He's not the mom and dad and he shouldn't have to pretend he is. When he gets home, things will be different, and I'm trying to get myself prepared for that. I don't need to only better myself spiritually, I need to better myself COMPLETELY.

I'm just so grateful. I don't know why I am so blessed in this life, but I am. I have it all. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, a family that supports me, my own wonderful family that I don't deserve, I grew up in the gospel, I'm comfortable financially, I get to travel often, I forgive easily, I go on vacations regularly, I grew up in a good home and in a good area. I am educated and talented. I get to see my son again and I get to have him as motivation... to get back to him. My kids have the most amazing spirits, and my husband has my heart. Seriously, I can't imagine a happier life (and it's just getting better). I believe I can beat this depression. I can be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I want to be.

Chris and I are bother changing for the better... together.