Austin's Birthday.

Thanksgiving in Michigan. It was a hectic week for sure, but the best part was Austin's birthday. I loved being surrounded by people who believe in the same gospel as me. It was SUCH a comfort to go from crying to laughing about what things will be like when I see him again. There is SO much comfort in religion. I don't think you should just have religion for comfort, but it sure does help when you're feeling down.

I also felt a lot of love for Emma Smith that day.
I couldn't imagine how much she loss. My loss was nothing compared to hers yet her faith stayed strong and she kept going.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

I really enjoyed this video on his birthday.

Birthday

So Austin's birthday is on Thanksgiving Day this year... this is the first birthday without him. Since he's turning three, one of the things we're doing it a balloon release. We are each letting go of three balloons this year. Anyone who wants to do that as well is more than welcome.

I didn't want his funeral to be depressing, I wanted to celebrate his life instead so we did a birthday party theme (it was beautiful), we had a banner with his name, TONS of balloons, and tried our best to keep it a joyous day to celebrate him instead a depressing day. We talked about how fun he was, we sang our own version of Black Bird (Red Bird), and tried to keep it uplifting. At the cemetery we did a HUGE balloon release with over a 1000 balloons and it was a beautiful and surprisingly peaceful moment. I want to keep that same mentality for his birthdays too.

Heaven is For Real

I read this book and LOVED it. I bawled through the whole hospital portion of the book... it hit way too close to home for me. I relived everything from just reading. It was really difficult.
Overall I was skeptical throughout the book, but enjoyed the story and message.
I recommend you read it too.

The after reading is what has me all upset. I decided to go read reviews on the book and I can't believe how HARD people are! I mean, yeah a lot of it sounds crazy and might not be true, but for them to just disregard it like it's a book that came straight from Satan. My mom always says that a church is a lot like a hospital. It's there for people to go get spiritually healed. It's not there for perfect people to remain perfect so when you go to church you can't look at the people and decide that you do and don't like that church, because people are human and we all disappoint. We need church to help us through the next week. So don't judge the guy who comes to church with a hangover... atleast he's there; trying! So I'm REALLY trying to remember that right now, because I'm just so upset with Christians in general... including LDS. How can you see one thing you don't like and just completely close her mind/heart to it. And then turn around and do missionary work and expect others to just humble themselves.

I'm annoyed.

Humbled

It's funny how people turn to God during hard times in their lives. During everything with Austin, I can't really say I did that (except for the very end). This is going to sound ridiculous, but I really feel like God sought me out. I really had no interest in him and definitely didn't turn to him very much during everything that went on. But I had a lot of spiritual experiences happen to me in a very timely matter, little did I know I was slowly humbling my heart to it and now I'm trying so hard to get back to him. And to find out his will for me.

Regardless he was always there for me and he must have known that I'd need him in my life now for him to seek me out like he did.

I just hope others can have their own humbling experiences.

Another one??

Before I announce each pregnancy I get so much anxiety about people's reactions. I think it's just a habit I've formed from the many bad choices I've made. From getting married at age 18 AFTER having a baby to having almost 4 before I'm 24 (haters are gonna hate). I don't know I always feel like I need to act like it was an accident every time I announce. But none of my kids are accidents... they might have not been planned... at all, but they have all come into our home and brightened it up with a new love we never knew was even missing!

I love being a mom. I love making a family with Chris. I know we are good parents and we have good wholesome family values (after a few rocky years). If we could afford it, I wouldn't mind having 10 more kids with Chris! Well maybe 2 or 3 more lol. But still! It's a beautiful thing being a parent and should not be taken lightly... and for me it's a welcomed responsibly. These kids will grow up and have families of their own and so will their kids... think of the family reunions!

I love my parents and I'm so so SO grateful they gave me my 4 sisters. Siblings are a blessing to be cherished and I want that for my kids. I want a great big family and crazy drama, and everything else that comes with a big family!

The happiness outweighs the difficulties...

So anyway I'm done feeling anxiety when I announce my next pregnancies, I am SO grateful to Heavenly Father that I even get to HAVE kids at all, and obviously he wants me to be a mom. I've learned that in many ways.

These children are gifts.
And I pray that you may one day get to have the gift of a family as well...
maybe even lucky enough to have a big family like Chris and me! :)

"woe is me"

Today has been awful, one of the worst in a couple months. I can't seem to shake it! Today was the first official day of absolutely no medicine. So last night I was up most of the night because all my dreams were vivid , very real, and horrible. Then when I was up I was just completely dizzy. It's like spinning around and around, but when you stop the dizziness doesn't go away... at all. It's the most awful feeling. Another perk of going off my medicine AND being pregnant my emotions are on egg shells. Seriously today was a crying marathon... I could not stop bawling. I hate being a downer so I probably wrote a 1000 "woe is me" statuses on facebook, but deleted them a few minutes later. Then on top of everything, today was a bad day. It would have been a bad day if I were completely stable.

Here's my post from this afternoon... I wrote it in a bad moment and so I deleted it, but it sums up my day. But I was overreacting and I want to go ahead a first say that my mom has been wonderful and I should not complain at all about her, she's been my rock through all of this.

"AAAAAAAH!!! Nobody understands what I'm going through and I just want to shake them all and tell them understand! I'm so so so so emotional right now I just want to SCREAM! Im dizzy, I'm hot, my stomach is in knots, my kids are either crying because they need something or doing something else wrong, I just can't it right now any of it!

My mom and dad don't understand at all. I just want to go home right now. I can't handle this I need my husband here.

Gray is SCREAMING because he needs his diaper changed and I can't find a single wipe, my mom is gone and has no phone, I can't find my keys anywhere... I just can't handle this!!! I'm just SO dizzy! I spend every night is deep vivid nightmares, I can't seem to fix anything. Grayson hates napping, and playing alone, and if he's out playing he's being destructive which my dad can't handle, my mom is always busy on her projects and so she can't help me either (but she does when she can), and they won't allow to to just let them cry.

I have no idea what to do I'm so stressed out.

I hate my medication, I hate going off of it, I hate the emotions of pregnancy, and I HATE that nobody in the world knows what this feels like!

I NEED to go home. I wish so badly I had a home to go to."

Then I got on facebook and saw my aunts post about losing her dad 25 years ago... I don't want to ever write a post like that. I don't want 25 years to go by without him here. I hate it so much not having my son and I know that I'm strong and I'm just having a moment, but he was my baby... my boy! I just can't imagine 25 years + without his sweet laugh.

And THEN I read about some lady complaining about birthday shopping and it reminded me that I should be birthday shopping right now. My baby is turning 3 next week. I don't want Thanksgiving or family, I want to be home with Chris and the kids eating grilled cheese and laying in my comfy blanket with all 3 almost 4 kids laying in bed with me and jumping on Chris.

How did I get here? When did things get so wrong??

I want my family.

Grateful for my Husband

So of course I'd love for Chris and me to be on the same page on everything, but that's not how life works. Chris isn't interested in the church and at first that really bothered me. It caused a lot of problems in our marriage. But now looking back I don't understand why. If he isn't interested that's perfectly fine. First off IF he ever decides to become religious in anyway I'd want it to be because he was humbled to it and had his own spiritual experiences, not because it's what I desire. Also we're in two different places in life and so it's not fair to assume we're on the same page. And most importantly, Chris has been nothing but supportive of me and my decision to change. He encourages me to go to church, even helped me wake up on Sunday mornings! He has even agreed to let me tithe our money! He's letting me just give money away to something he doesn't even have faith in! He supports me in every desire I have. I just wish I had never pressured him to become religious. If he's going to accept me then I should accept him. He IS my husband after all. And I love him! :)

Book Of Mormon

This is my goal. Read, Pray, Ask, Know.
“And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. ” (Moroni 10:4)

Anyone want to join me?

It's time for me to know for myself.
It'd be fun to have someone to "compare notes" with. :)

Change

I was just thinking and it occurred to me how much I've changed this year... Who would've known a year old that I'd be such a different person now. I always thought that letting God back into my life would be hard with so many temptations around me, but it's quite the opposite. I don't know if I'm just getting older or have completely had a change of heart but nothing I used to do appeals to me in the least. I am not tempted at all to be who I once was. I just want to stay in with my family every night and play games. I'd rather read the scriptures or a talk more than well anything... shopping! It's just so amazing how much I've changed and in all this hardness of my life how I still thank God for all my many blessings every single night.

Purpose.

So I know I've been really upset lately in my blog posts, getting off this medicine has made me a little insane lol, but I'm determined. I don't want to rely on medicine. My mom is right when she says that the brain is very powerful. I'm so much more fun, passionate, and real when I'm not on anything. I just want to be me.

Having said that, the purpose of this blog is not just to cry and be upset all the time. It's a record of my journey through this trial I'm in. This is also my journey to find a testimony of Heavenly Father and how he will help me in my healing process.

I want to be able to come back and read this in years to come to hopefully show my growth in life.

I also hope that maybe someone going through this might find this blog and find comfort in the fact that they're not alone.