Sunday, October 30, 2011


I'm 10 weeks pregnant and due May 31st.


I'm 23. Austin was only in my life for 2 1/2 years. That's nothing... at all. That's a minute in life. But those years meant the world to me. I just think of my grandma. She lost her son Valiant so many years ago. Probably in her 30's. She's now 80. She's had to go all those years without him. And not only that, but I have no idea who he is, nor do I have interest in him. I have never considered him a part of the family or one of my mom's brothers. He's just the brother who died.

That's going to be my sweet Austin.

Life will go on without him, and soon he'll just be my dead son. I already hate that people look at me like he was such a bad thing that happened to me. He was the most amazing little boy. His heart was huge and I knew that from day one. I wish more people knew him. He's not a burden, he was a blessing. It's just hard losing such a blessing. Family is everything. One day it won't hurt so bad, and maybe then people won't look at him as some kind of illness.

This whole post makes no sense.

My Blanket.

My mom, sister, and brother-in-law made me the most beautiful blanket for my birthday this year. It took them months to make it and a lot of hard work, but I just can't get myself to sleep with it. I'm so connected to this stupid blanket my grandma made me for my wedding. I've washed it a billion times, it's faded, and it's had holes on it; but it's MY blanket. I didn't realize how important it was to me until this trip to my moms. I got this blanket almost 5 years ago and it has been with me, comforting me through some crazy, rough years. It's been spit up on, pooped on, cried on, loved on... it's been through everything. My favorite "Family Time" is just when Chris, me, and all the kids got up on the bed just to play, snuggle, or watch a movie. I loved when all 5 of us would be snuggled up in bed together. Lily and Austin always would get on Chris's back as soon as he laid down, even if he has just laid down to rest right after work before taking off his uniform, they'd be on him in a second! I don't know. Just this blanket holds so many memories. Just the feel of it calms me sometimes. I love it so much.


So I hate being depressed on this blog. This is my Family blog and should not be all bad. So I moved some things over and I started one. But it's a very personal one. I get very depressed on it and share all my thought and feeling about Austin and everything. It will also get religious. So if you don't want anything to do with that, I'd stick to reading this blog lol.

I need a place to write; to share.


I am so disconnected with the world.
I hardly have my phone on me if it's even charged, I hardly check Facebook and when I do it's only to post a status and then get off, I never want to leave my house except to go to church, I've completely stopped talking to family and friends unless they're right next to me.

I'm just in a dark place.

I'm constantly dizzy. If I could sleep away my days, I would.
I don't enjoy smiling. I don't enjoy anything.

I want answers from God. I want to find him and have a testimony of him.

All my days run together and I despise Holidays.

I just need to get off this awful medicine so I can start living again... even a little.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


I am such a mess these days.
I'm pregnant and emotional. Plus I'm trying to ween off my antidepressant which is making me constantly dizzy and tired. And to top it off having another child without Austin being here is breaking my heart.

I just want to lay in bed all the time wrapped up in my blanket.

I pray every night, but I still feel nothing but pain.
Why can't I get the answers and feelings I desire?