Fun day!

Today was really fun. I went to a playdate with some of the ladies in my ward. They are all so much fun and I'm glad I've made some friends at church. They're all easy to talk to and Lily seemed to enjoy her new friends. A lot of them are actually in her church class so that's nice. Then we went home, because my mom had to go back to NY... or so we thought. She ended up missing her flight. Thank goodness! One more day with mom here is a blessing. Lily and her made homemade rice krispy treats for us YUM! And then I got my computer ready for my photography business. So I organized everything into years and then months. And then i even started editing a few pictures. And then I went to bed. I read a couple chapters on 2nd Nephi and now I'm blogging about my day. :)

I still can tell you enough how much Austin has inspired me to... LIVE! I miss him with all of my heart and would love to have some sacred experience where I would see him and see all the good that he's doing. You know, just an update.

Anyway (not anyways, I learned that today!), goodnight! :)

Beginning my Journey.

So today has been a very good day for me and I’m am more grateful for Heavenly Father than ever. Austin’s loss has motivated me to be a better person in every single way. So today I worked on two things, reading the Book of Mormon for the first time and making a photography studio in my home. I have never read the Book of Mormon. Although I have been raised LDS and have been taught it’s principles, I wasn’t active at all since I was 14 or so. And before that I went because I had to and never really paid attention. I never gained a testimony of my own. So in the Book of Mormon it says if you read it humbly and pray and ask God if it’s true he will tell you. And all my family members have their own experiences and testimonies. I’m ready to have my own… to find out for myself if the church is true or not. I’m still in 1^st Nephi, but I am enjoying it. I’ve never had the chance to really ponder on it and now that I’m older I understand more than I used to. I have a journal that I’ve made into my Book of Mormon experience journal. So whenever I have a question, comment, an experience, or just want to share a thought I write it in my journal. It has been very helpful. I never thought reading the Book of Mormon could be so interesting and enjoyable! Also It’s time for me to pursue me dream of photography and so today I started working on making my studio (thanks to my mom and Husband)! I’m so excited and motivated. My heart is softened and I’m thirty for knowledge. I love it!

Lily's Struggle

So let's talk about Lily. She is struggling. When Austin dies she saw a child specialist who helped her prepare to see him. But when she saw him she was... odd. She didn't act it. in fact throughout this whole thing her emotions have been hidden from the world, but she wouldn't come near him. For awhile after that day she had a magic drink that would wake Austin up. She kept it with her at all times. We tried to explain it in every possible way we could think of. We read books about death to her, watched Disney movies that involved death (example: Lion King), and had lots of talks. At the funeral when she saw him in the coffin she was very weary about him. Very uncomfortable, but kept wanting to see him again. Since that day she only says little things here and there to let us know how much she's thinking about him. Her emotions are still in tact though. She asks us to tell her stories about Austin all the time. She has a very love/hate relationship with Jesus. She'll go from hating him for taking Lily to loving him and they're married. Oh and half the time all her dolls are dead and she gives them lots of funerals. Sometimes she's be causing trouble by having tantrums or being a bully and when you sit her down to discuss it she always admits that she misses him. She pretends he's just pretend half the time. My heart just breaks for hers. They were best friends. She LOVED him so much. I feel worse for her than anyone. Anyway she's been working on a picture book about Austin. So everyday she draws a picture of a memory she has with Austin. Today she drew Austin and her eating spaghetti, his favorite! But when my mom went away to do something and came back she had drawn a picture of him dead in his casket and her sad. It made me so sad. Here they are...

The gospel.

So I’m ready to just put this out there. I’m changing day by day. This started before Austin’s death, but his death certainly softened my heart to the gospel. Everyday I learn something new. It’s so amazing how full the gospel is. How anyone could possibly deny or judge it is beyond me. It’s amazing. It’s has made his death so much easier, but there is so much good to grasp to. I’ve been inspired over and over again. I have faith. My mom has been amazing throughout this and I love her so much. I’m just so blessed. I miss Austin so much and sometimes I’m angry and sometimes I cry, but it’s nice to have something to hold on to. It’s nice to feel at peace. I love him so much and I know things are better for him. He’s not just lying in the ground. He is happy. I’m just so very grateful.

Also things that help me through hard times are good scriptures, good talks, and good messages. Maybe even you're experiences. So if you ever feel inspired to send me a message or find a talk you think I'd enjoy or need, send away! :)

How I found Grayson.

They broke him.

So here’s the thing… after you lose someone as involved with your life and as loved as Austin you just have to take it day by day. One day I’ll be fine, the next I’ll be a wreck. Sometimes I’ll love everyone and others my heart will be filled with hate. Today was a good day. I went to church with my mom. After losing Austin I have really come unto Christ. I’m not as hardcore as I’d like to be, but I’m working towards a better life. It has really helped me deal with Austin’s loss. It’s funny, when he was alive I was his example and now he’s mine. (side note, this is when I become super emotion, sorry in advance) Sometimes I’m so so so angry. With the hospital that sent me a letter that I’m guessing they send out to all of the families that come through there. It basically said that they hope we had a wonderful experience at their hospital and hope we come again. I think if they lose a kid they should be careful what they choose to send out. Just saying. I also think that if you fail at your surgery, they shouldn’t be able to charge us. It’s like we’re paying them for killing him. UGH! I know, I know it’s not their fault. And I do not blame them, I just can’t understand things. I mean I brought Austin there to be healed. I had no doubt in my mind that we would leave there with Austin. I didn’t know how healed he would be, but I knew he was coming home. I feel so cheated. So cheated. He could still be here today if we hadn’t taken him there. And when the surgeon open him up and saw that it was going to be more challenging than he thought, he should have CLOSED him. Do not experiment on my son. I just want to go back. I wish I had waiting more years and maybe by then there would be more advances in heart surgery. How is it possible that I just took my poor, innocent little boy to get “fixed” and then they broke him even more? I want to see him so much. I want to feel his chest move as he breaths. I know there is no one to blame and it was just his time, but why? Why my boy? We needed his sweet spirit in our home.

humble.

I have lived an interesting life. If you know me then you know that is putting it lightly. Austin’s rough life and death was definitely the hardest experience I have ever gone through, but I have had many little experiences that have prepared me for this. In a sense, I’m becoming the woman I’m going to be by going through these hardships. I hope after all the pain has faded I’m a more humble, compassionate person. I hope I can take these experiences and help others in need. Right now everything is about how awful life is without my little Austin man, but one day I can take this pain and turn into sympathy towards others in need. I really believe that Austin is happy and healthy. I bet he is doing so much good. His heart was weak, but it was made of gold. I just miss him with all of my heart. I just hope I can turn this horrible experience into a useful one. I want to grow from this. I want to be a better person.

Today has been an okay day.

another dream.

Last night I had another dream. A horrible one. It’s funny how all my emotions are relived and exaggerated in my dreams. In this one Lily was sick. But she was Austin. I have yet to see Austin in a dream. So Lily had a heart problem and as she was about to die, I was doing everything I could to save her. People told me to just let go. They were so mean, but I didn’t say anything. Then when she passed and I told people what songs I wanted, everyone thought I was stupid and showed me these horrible, inappropriate songs and told me they were better. I was even madder but still didn’t say anything. Then I found this app on my phone where you could change someone hair, eye color, body, heart, etc. and I had to try. So I pretended like I was just going to change her eye color, because I knew people wouldn’t understand. So we decided to go to some memorial for her and it was awful. People were so awful! They were singing and dancing. It was comparable to a circus. I was so angry. So I got up to the stage, went to the microphone and told them off. I was so upset. But instead of listening they turned off my microphone and got mad at me. So I went to the other microphone at the middle of the stage and yelled again. I was so angry, but they wouldn’t listen. They just got upset that I was not behaving correctly and made me leave. So then I decided to get up and apologize. As I was leaving someone found my phone and saw that I was trying to fix her heart and once again they were against me. They were so mean. They told me I wasn’t behaving right and that I just needed to let go already. When I woke up I was so angry. Who were they to tell me how a mother should react to losing a child? NOBODY knows what its like and can’t say a thing about how someone chooses to react and how long it takes for them to “heal”. I'm just so angry! People have told me numerous times since I’ve been here how well I’m doing and how they’re proud of me and impressed how I’ve taken all of this. What does that even mean?? Am I not supposed to not be like this? Am I not allowed to be hysterical? Have you ever lost your CHILD? Ugh! I might hold things in, but I am not okay. And you shouldn’t expect me to be. And if I want to fill my house up with pictures of Austin, I will. And if I want to try to fix his heart, I will. And if I blame myself for some things, I am allowed. And if I want to make a scene, I feel like I deserve it. And if I’m still having a hard time in 10 years from now, it’s more than okay. I can be as emotional or as numb as I want to be. Until you go through it, don’t think you can say anything to the contrary. Even if you’ve dealt with death, losing you kid and being the kids mother would, in my opinion, be the worst of all deaths. And that is all I’m going to say about that.

missing.

I know that Austin is happy and healed and seeing things in a different light now, and I know that being sad all the time is for me because I don’t get to see him or have him around anymore, and I know his perspective of life has probably changed, but I really, really hope he misses snuggling with me as much as I miss snuggling with him. I wonder if he’s busy doing heavenly things or if he’s just sitting around watching me being all sad, Lily playing, Chris playing on my phone, and Grayson learning to crawl. I’d rather him be enjoying himself and his healed heart, but every once in awhile I hope he misses my hugs and kisses, Chris’s “man” chair, Lily’s picnics, and Grayson’s smile, and I hope he even misses his blanket… because we all sure do miss him. More than you can know.

dream.

On Grandma’s 80^th birthday we went over to her house in the morning for breakfast and since I’m not a morning person I took a nap with Grayson soon after I ate. During the nap I had a dream. A nightmare! I can’t remember most of it, but Austin had dies, so I had to relive that horror and because I was so busy mourning Austin, I had forgotten to feed Grayson and then he died too. It was awful. Horrible. I woke up in tears. It set the mood for the rest of the day. I fell apart and bawled. I feel bad that I did that during Grandmas party, but it just hit me. My aunt Eve who had lost her daughter Holly a few years back decided to take me on a walk. We shared thoughts, stories, theories, and lots and lots of tears. We talked about how nobody could understand the pain, the depth of loss you feel. How people feel bad for a moment and then go on with their lives while you’re stuck in quicksand and still have to find a way to keep moving forward. The pain is just so deep, he was my baby! He was only 2 ½! We also talked about how this experience is just a reminder and motivation to get on the right track in life. I don’t do anything now that I wouldn’t want him to see. I know I should have always thought that about Jesus, but Austin was my baby and I was his example. Now that he’s gone, I just want to show him that I’m a good person. I don’t know. I just love him and I want him to be proud of me. Anyway our talk was long and very helpful. She is an amazing aunt and I love her so much. It was a hard day, but if anything the dream has made me more motherly to the children I do have here with me. I can hold and love them. And I’m so grateful that I have them to motivate me and help me move on. I couldn’t imagine going through this without them. I really do think that Grayson was sent to us to help heal us. He is the happiest child I’ve ever met. He seriously has a permanent smile on his face at all times and loves everyone! Plus I got pregnant with him while on birth control! I don’t know, I just feel like he’s supposed to be here now. Also one of the hardest things is going from 3 kids to 2. There's just such a hole there. Not just Austin, but having three kids. I just feel so empty at times. I don’t know… I’m just rambling.

The hole in my heart.

The day Austin died was the worst day of my life. I didn’t believe it until he was laying in my arms blue and cold. I kept thinking back to blessing he and I had received throughout his life. Things like he would heal according to my faith, that he would heal, that he would marry a woman of his choice, and that I’d let him develop his talents in music. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he would be healed… and still on this earth; alive. One of his very last blessings came from a bishop in Colorado Springs who said that the lord’s power would burst through every inch of his body and he would be healed. So I believed it… with every fiber of my being. I haven’t always been very religious, but I have always had faith. I knew I had enough faith to save him.

When the doctors told me that he was having constant seizures and that his brain was mush and told us that Life Support at this point was pointless, I still had enough faith to move a mountain. There was no doubt that he was coming home with me. He would have his miracle. I put my hands on him, and told God to heal him, that it was time. He would heal and I would have a lot of doctors and nurses getting baptized. I know that God has to live the laws of nature, but I also know that Jesus could heal the blind by touching them. And Austin would be touched. I was so positive that I told them that going off child support was fine… he’d be fine anyway. But when he turned blue and cold, I wept.

There were two days where I was hysterical in tears. I could hardly move. Everything reminded me of something about him, or regret was always ready to move in. I knew he was healed, just as I was told. I knew that he would have had many surgeries in his life and spent way too much of his life in the hospital, but I was looking for a different type of healing… a miracle. I was devastated. He was my best friend. My baby. He was a mommas boy and I couldn’t get enough of him. He had a sweet spirit and loved everyone. He never complained and always snuggled with you like a baby, even at 2 ½! He was Lily’s bestfriend.

Anyway after those two days, I went to Utah and went numb. I could not cry or feel or anything. It was awful. The only thing worse than crying, is not being able to cry. I started to second guess my love for him. Was he so unimportant that I was already over him? Was I really that dead inside? Even people who didn’t know him cried for him, and I could force out a single tear. I started stressing over it, and started to force the feelings. I watched videos of Austin, I looked at pictures, I thought of fond memories… nothing. I was numb.

Then Austin arrived in Utah and I went to see him. When I walked into the room his hair was parted in the middle and sleeked back. It wasn’t him. I bawled. Why did they make him look like that? Austin’s hair was always wild. After that I could get emotional again. I think it’s like your body’s way of protecting itself. Or possibly it was just me stressing over it. Like when you go to the doctor and need to pee, but then you sit in the restroom trying to pee in a cup for hours… stress is a very powerful thing!

Anyway I love him so much more than words can describe. I know he’s healed, happy, and extremely special, but I’m selfish and I miss him dearly. I would love to snuggle with him, or see him do his silly faces, or any of the fun things he does. He was the sweetest boy on earth. It didn’t matter who you were, he loved you. He never cried, he was soft spoken, and he was happy. He loved to dance, eat, and play with Lily. He was an angel. I breakdown at the thought of him constantly. I’m just so grateful that he got to die in his loving mother’s arms and in no pain. I’m grateful that I got to be his mom and that he knew how much I loved him. That’s one thing I don’t regret at all. I always let him know how much I loved him and he knew. I adored that little boy so much. He was my baby. He was always going to be my baby. I just miss him.

Friday the 6th.

The McDougal Funeral home
4330 South Redwood Road
Murray, UT 84123
The viewing is at 11am, the funeral will be at 12pm.
Then the graveside part will be at 1pm or whenever we get there after the funeral.
ANYONE is welcome!!
I'd love to see you guys.
Sorry I haven't been answering my phone or keeping up with FB.
Wear whatever (I'm wearing a black dress).