Wednesday, December 14, 2011
This makes me mad. Very mad. Mad enough to try to change it, but how?? They examined Austin's heart in every apt but never noticed his heart problem until the 3D one. I mean I see SO many babies die at birth of the same thing Austin had, and he lived till he was almost 3. We did so many things that I think made a huge difference. I am just so mad, that my baby has a higher chance of having a heart defect, yet they aren't planning on doing anything about it. I am mad.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
So when my mom tells me a sacred, spiritual experience, there is no doubt in my mind that it's true. whether it is or not doesn't concern me... I believe. Or when people bear their testimony of the gospel... I doubt nothing.
Well here's the thing, Santa isn't real.
So as much and I want my belief to be enough, it's not. So today I'm beginning my road to knowing.
I believe in faith, but when you're presented a way to KNOW if the gospel is true, I think it's something worth doing.
So I'm going to read the whole Book of Mormon. And then pray.
^ ditto, I plan to find out as well. :)
I know I've started before, but this time I'm determined to get through it, and pray while it's fresh on my mind. I'll let yall know!
Saturday, December 03, 2011
Thursday, December 01, 2011
I mean 5 years ago, Chris and I were crazy teenagers. We didn't have a long-term thought in our heads. But now look at us! We are both changing so much for the better... in such different ways!
Obviously, I've embraced a more religious lifestyle. And when I committed, I COMMITTED. I don't party on Saturday and then go to Church on Sunday. No, every aspect of my life is different. I pray every night, morning, and throughout the day. I read every self-help religious book I can get my hand on, I don't party at all. I don't even drink the occasional glass of wine or say even the more innocent of cuss words. I am not perfect, but I try everyday a little harder to be a little better. I'm sure that all God really wants us to do. Anyway back to Chris and I. Becoming religious again has made me want to be a better wife and mother. It has made me look at sex a completely different way. It has changed my priorities to "family first". It has made me want to grow as a person in every possible way.
Chris, on the other side, is changing in a completely none religious way, but just as good in my eyes. He's just growing into a man. He also is all about family. I've loved how much he's been calling his family and trying to be apart of their lives. I love that when we talk, It's SO much deeper than it used to be. He wants to make the kids and I happy. He is SO committed to our family, and so committed to me. He is supportive in everything I do, from buying THOUSANDS of dollars worth of photography equipment, to helping me go to church every week, all the way to watching the kids whenever I go through my "going out everyday" phases. He's always been one to say yes, and do to everything in his power to make us happy.
When I go through my depression, he completely takes over the household. He goes to work all morning, then comes home, feeds the family, cleans the house, and then relaxes with the kids and let's me be alone. I appreciate this so much, but I don't want to do this to him ever again. He should get to come home from a stressful day of work, eat a meal made my me, and relax with the family. He's not the mom and dad and he shouldn't have to pretend he is. When he gets home, things will be different, and I'm trying to get myself prepared for that. I don't need to only better myself spiritually, I need to better myself COMPLETELY.
I'm just so grateful. I don't know why I am so blessed in this life, but I am. I have it all. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, a family that supports me, my own wonderful family that I don't deserve, I grew up in the gospel, I'm comfortable financially, I get to travel often, I forgive easily, I go on vacations regularly, I grew up in a good home and in a good area. I am educated and talented. I get to see my son again and I get to have him as motivation... to get back to him. My kids have the most amazing spirits, and my husband has my heart. Seriously, I can't imagine a happier life (and it's just getting better). I believe I can beat this depression. I can be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I want to be.
Chris and I are bother changing for the better... together.
Monday, November 28, 2011
I also felt a lot of love for Emma Smith that day.
I couldn't imagine how much she loss. My loss was nothing compared to hers yet her faith stayed strong and she kept going.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
I really enjoyed this video on his birthday.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Overall I was skeptical throughout the book, but enjoyed the story and message.
I recommend you read it too.
The after reading is what has me all upset. I decided to go read reviews on the book and I can't believe how HARD people are! I mean, yeah a lot of it sounds crazy and might not be true, but for them to just disregard it like it's a book that came straight from Satan. My mom always says that a church is a lot like a hospital. It's there for people to go get spiritually healed. It's not there for perfect people to remain perfect so when you go to church you can't look at the people and decide that you do and don't like that church, because people are human and we all disappoint. We need church to help us through the next week. So don't judge the guy who comes to church with a hangover... atleast he's there; trying! So I'm REALLY trying to remember that right now, because I'm just so upset with Christians in general... including LDS. How can you see one thing you don't like and just completely close her mind/heart to it. And then turn around and do missionary work and expect others to just humble themselves.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Regardless he was always there for me and he must have known that I'd need him in my life now for him to seek me out like he did.
I just hope others can have their own humbling experiences.
Friday, November 18, 2011
I love being a mom. I love making a family with Chris. I know we are good parents and we have good wholesome family values (after a few rocky years). If we could afford it, I wouldn't mind having 10 more kids with Chris! Well maybe 2 or 3 more lol. But still! It's a beautiful thing being a parent and should not be taken lightly... and for me it's a welcomed responsibly. These kids will grow up and have families of their own and so will their kids... think of the family reunions!
I love my parents and I'm so so SO grateful they gave me my 4 sisters. Siblings are a blessing to be cherished and I want that for my kids. I want a great big family and crazy drama, and everything else that comes with a big family!
The happiness outweighs the difficulties...
So anyway I'm done feeling anxiety when I announce my next pregnancies, I am SO grateful to Heavenly Father that I even get to HAVE kids at all, and obviously he wants me to be a mom. I've learned that in many ways.
These children are gifts.
And I pray that you may one day get to have the gift of a family as well...
maybe even lucky enough to have a big family like Chris and me! :)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Here's my post from this afternoon... I wrote it in a bad moment and so I deleted it, but it sums up my day. But I was overreacting and I want to go ahead a first say that my mom has been wonderful and I should not complain at all about her, she's been my rock through all of this.
"AAAAAAAH!!! Nobody understands what I'm going through and I just want to shake them all and tell them understand! I'm so so so so emotional right now I just want to SCREAM! Im dizzy, I'm hot, my stomach is in knots, my kids are either crying because they need something or doing something else wrong, I just can't it right now any of it!
My mom and dad don't understand at all. I just want to go home right now. I can't handle this I need my husband here.
Gray is SCREAMING because he needs his diaper changed and I can't find a single wipe, my mom is gone and has no phone, I can't find my keys anywhere... I just can't handle this!!! I'm just SO dizzy! I spend every night is deep vivid nightmares, I can't seem to fix anything. Grayson hates napping, and playing alone, and if he's out playing he's being destructive which my dad can't handle, my mom is always busy on her projects and so she can't help me either (but she does when she can), and they won't allow to to just let them cry.
I have no idea what to do I'm so stressed out.
I hate my medication, I hate going off of it, I hate the emotions of pregnancy, and I HATE that nobody in the world knows what this feels like!
I NEED to go home. I wish so badly I had a home to go to."
Then I got on facebook and saw my aunts post about losing her dad 25 years ago... I don't want to ever write a post like that. I don't want 25 years to go by without him here. I hate it so much not having my son and I know that I'm strong and I'm just having a moment, but he was my baby... my boy! I just can't imagine 25 years + without his sweet laugh.
And THEN I read about some lady complaining about birthday shopping and it reminded me that I should be birthday shopping right now. My baby is turning 3 next week. I don't want Thanksgiving or family, I want to be home with Chris and the kids eating grilled cheese and laying in my comfy blanket with all 3 almost 4 kids laying in bed with me and jumping on Chris.
How did I get here? When did things get so wrong??
I want my family.
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Saturday, November 05, 2011
“And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. ” (Moroni 10:4)
Anyone want to join me?
It'd be fun to have someone to "compare notes" with. :)
Friday, November 04, 2011
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Having said that, the purpose of this blog is not just to cry and be upset all the time. It's a record of my journey through this trial I'm in. This is also my journey to find a testimony of Heavenly Father and how he will help me in my healing process.
I want to be able to come back and read this in years to come to hopefully show my growth in life.
I also hope that maybe someone going through this might find this blog and find comfort in the fact that they're not alone.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
That's going to be my sweet Austin.
Life will go on without him, and soon he'll just be my dead son. I already hate that people look at me like he was such a bad thing that happened to me. He was the most amazing little boy. His heart was huge and I knew that from day one. I wish more people knew him. He's not a burden, he was a blessing. It's just hard losing such a blessing. Family is everything. One day it won't hurt so bad, and maybe then people won't look at him as some kind of illness.
This whole post makes no sense.
I need a place to write; to share.
I hardly have my phone on me if it's even charged, I hardly check Facebook and when I do it's only to post a status and then get off, I never want to leave my house except to go to church, I've completely stopped talking to family and friends unless they're right next to me.
I'm just in a dark place.
I'm constantly dizzy. If I could sleep away my days, I would.
I don't enjoy smiling. I don't enjoy anything.
I want answers from God. I want to find him and have a testimony of him.
All my days run together and I despise Holidays.
I just need to get off this awful medicine so I can start living again... even a little.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
I'm pregnant and emotional. Plus I'm trying to ween off my antidepressant which is making me constantly dizzy and tired. And to top it off having another child without Austin being here is breaking my heart.
I just want to lay in bed all the time wrapped up in my blanket.
I pray every night, but I still feel nothing but pain.
Why can't I get the answers and feelings I desire?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
I just don’t understand death… especially of a child. Maybe if the parents were awful and God wanted to give the kid peace, but this is just unbearable. I’m not me anymore, a huge part of me is dead now. I just do the steps to survive, but it’s so difficult knowing that not that long ago Austin was here. I could touch him, laugh with him, he could wear the clothes I went through today. I don’t want to get over this, I want him back. What can I do to get him back??
Monday, June 13, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
I'm so discouraged. Everyday is so full of pain. I keep thinking I should get blessings, but my mom read a talk tome that basically said getting blessings more than once can actually be a lack of faith. So I've turned photography into my coping mechanism. I finally started my business. But here's the thing... nobody wants them. I know people who have two bookings a day, I've had two ever and I gave them for free. I mean I know I'm good. And I only charge $80, plus a free cd. I mean that's less than walmart! And my pictures are soooo much better. I mean should I lower my prices?? I just feel stuck, and the only way to go on is to keep busy doing something I love. But EVERY photographer is getting work and I'm not.
I just NEED to occupy my mind so I'm not just crying all the time! ugh!
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I still can tell you enough how much Austin has inspired me to... LIVE! I miss him with all of my heart and would love to have some sacred experience where I would see him and see all the good that he's doing. You know, just an update.
Anyway (not anyways, I learned that today!), goodnight! :)
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
So today has been a very good day for me and I’m am more grateful for Heavenly Father than ever. Austin’s loss has motivated me to be a better person in every single way. So today I worked on two things, reading the Book of Mormon for the first time and making a photography studio in my home. I have never read the Book of Mormon. Although I have been raised LDS and have been taught it’s principles, I wasn’t active at all since I was 14 or so. And before that I went because I had to and never really paid attention. I never gained a testimony of my own. So in the Book of Mormon it says if you read it humbly and pray and ask God if it’s true he will tell you. And all my family members have their own experiences and testimonies. I’m ready to have my own… to find out for myself if the church is true or not. I’m still in 1st Nephi, but I am enjoying it. I’ve never had the chance to really ponder on it and now that I’m older I understand more than I used to. I have a journal that I’ve made into my Book of Mormon experience journal. So whenever I have a question, comment, an experience, or just want to share a thought I write it in my journal. It has been very helpful. I never thought reading the Book of Mormon could be so interesting and enjoyable! Also It’s time for me to pursue me dream of photography and so today I started working on making my studio (thanks to my mom and Husband)! I’m so excited and motivated. My heart is softened and I’m thirty for knowledge. I love it!
So I’m ready to just put this out there. I’m changing day by day. This started before Austin’s death, but his death certainly softened my heart to the gospel. Everyday I learn something new. It’s so amazing how full the gospel is. How anyone could possibly deny or judge it is beyond me. It’s amazing. It’s has made his death so much easier, but there is so much good to grasp to. I’ve been inspired over and over again. I have faith. My mom has been amazing throughout this and I love her so much. I’m just so blessed. I miss Austin so much and sometimes I’m angry and sometimes I cry, but it’s nice to have something to hold on to. It’s nice to feel at peace. I love him so much and I know things are better for him. He’s not just lying in the ground. He is happy. I’m just so very grateful.
Also things that help me through hard times are good scriptures, good talks, and good messages. Maybe even you're experiences. So if you ever feel inspired to send me a message or find a talk you think I'd enjoy or need, send away! :)
Monday, May 23, 2011
So here’s the thing… after you lose someone as involved with your life and as loved as Austin you just have to take it day by day. One day I’ll be fine, the next I’ll be a wreck. Sometimes I’ll love everyone and others my heart will be filled with hate. Today was a good day. I went to church with my mom. After losing Austin I have really come unto Christ. I’m not as hardcore as I’d like to be, but I’m working towards a better life. It has really helped me deal with Austin’s loss. It’s funny, when he was alive I was his example and now he’s mine. (side note, this is when I become super emotion, sorry in advance) Sometimes I’m so so so angry. With the hospital that sent me a letter that I’m guessing they send out to all of the families that come through there. It basically said that they hope we had a wonderful experience at their hospital and hope we come again. I think if they lose a kid they should be careful what they choose to send out. Just saying. I also think that if you fail at your surgery, they shouldn’t be able to charge us. It’s like we’re paying them for killing him. UGH! I know, I know it’s not their fault. And I do not blame them, I just can’t understand things. I mean I brought Austin there to be healed. I had no doubt in my mind that we would leave there with Austin. I didn’t know how healed he would be, but I knew he was coming home. I feel so cheated. So cheated. He could still be here today if we hadn’t taken him there. And when the surgeon open him up and saw that it was going to be more challenging than he thought, he should have CLOSED him. Do not experiment on my son. I just want to go back. I wish I had waiting more years and maybe by then there would be more advances in heart surgery. How is it possible that I just took my poor, innocent little boy to get “fixed” and then they broke him even more? I want to see him so much. I want to feel his chest move as he breaths. I know there is no one to blame and it was just his time, but why? Why my boy? We needed his sweet spirit in our home.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I have lived an interesting life. If you know me then you know that is putting it lightly. Austin’s rough life and death was definitely the hardest experience I have ever gone through, but I have had many little experiences that have prepared me for this. In a sense, I’m becoming the woman I’m going to be by going through these hardships. I hope after all the pain has faded I’m a more humble, compassionate person. I hope I can take these experiences and help others in need. Right now everything is about how awful life is without my little Austin man, but one day I can take this pain and turn into sympathy towards others in need. I really believe that Austin is happy and healthy. I bet he is doing so much good. His heart was weak, but it was made of gold. I just miss him with all of my heart. I just hope I can turn this horrible experience into a useful one. I want to grow from this. I want to be a better person.
Today has been an okay day.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Last night I had another dream. A horrible one. It’s funny how all my emotions are relived and exaggerated in my dreams. In this one Lily was sick. But she was Austin. I have yet to see Austin in a dream. So Lily had a heart problem and as she was about to die, I was doing everything I could to save her. People told me to just let go. They were so mean, but I didn’t say anything. Then when she passed and I told people what songs I wanted, everyone thought I was stupid and showed me these horrible, inappropriate songs and told me they were better. I was even madder but still didn’t say anything. Then I found this app on my phone where you could change someone hair, eye color, body, heart, etc. and I had to try. So I pretended like I was just going to change her eye color, because I knew people wouldn’t understand. So we decided to go to some memorial for her and it was awful. People were so awful! They were singing and dancing. It was comparable to a circus. I was so angry. So I got up to the stage, went to the microphone and told them off. I was so upset. But instead of listening they turned off my microphone and got mad at me. So I went to the other microphone at the middle of the stage and yelled again. I was so angry, but they wouldn’t listen. They just got upset that I was not behaving correctly and made me leave. So then I decided to get up and apologize. As I was leaving someone found my phone and saw that I was trying to fix her heart and once again they were against me. They were so mean. They told me I wasn’t behaving right and that I just needed to let go already. When I woke up I was so angry. Who were they to tell me how a mother should react to losing a child? NOBODY knows what its like and can’t say a thing about how someone chooses to react and how long it takes for them to “heal”. I'm just so angry! People have told me numerous times since I’ve been here how well I’m doing and how they’re proud of me and impressed how I’ve taken all of this. What does that even mean?? Am I not supposed to not be like this? Am I not allowed to be hysterical? Have you ever lost your CHILD? Ugh! I might hold things in, but I am not okay. And you shouldn’t expect me to be. And if I want to fill my house up with pictures of Austin, I will. And if I want to try to fix his heart, I will. And if I blame myself for some things, I am allowed. And if I want to make a scene, I feel like I deserve it. And if I’m still having a hard time in 10 years from now, it’s more than okay. I can be as emotional or as numb as I want to be. Until you go through it, don’t think you can say anything to the contrary. Even if you’ve dealt with death, losing you kid and being the kids mother would, in my opinion, be the worst of all deaths. And that is all I’m going to say about that.
I know that Austin is happy and healed and seeing things in a different light now, and I know that being sad all the time is for me because I don’t get to see him or have him around anymore, and I know his perspective of life has probably changed, but I really, really hope he misses snuggling with me as much as I miss snuggling with him. I wonder if he’s busy doing heavenly things or if he’s just sitting around watching me being all sad, Lily playing, Chris playing on my phone, and Grayson learning to crawl. I’d rather him be enjoying himself and his healed heart, but every once in awhile I hope he misses my hugs and kisses, Chris’s “man” chair, Lily’s picnics, and Grayson’s smile, and I hope he even misses his blanket… because we all sure do miss him. More than you can know.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
On Grandma’s 80th birthday we went over to her house in the morning for breakfast and since I’m not a morning person I took a nap with Grayson soon after I ate. During the nap I had a dream. A nightmare! I can’t remember most of it, but Austin had dies, so I had to relive that horror and because I was so busy mourning Austin, I had forgotten to feed Grayson and then he died too. It was awful. Horrible. I woke up in tears. It set the mood for the rest of the day. I fell apart and bawled. I feel bad that I did that during Grandmas party, but it just hit me. My aunt Eve who had lost her daughter Holly a few years back decided to take me on a walk. We shared thoughts, stories, theories, and lots and lots of tears. We talked about how nobody could understand the pain, the depth of loss you feel. How people feel bad for a moment and then go on with their lives while you’re stuck in quicksand and still have to find a way to keep moving forward. The pain is just so deep, he was my baby! He was only 2 ½! We also talked about how this experience is just a reminder and motivation to get on the right track in life. I don’t do anything now that I wouldn’t want him to see. I know I should have always thought that about Jesus, but Austin was my baby and I was his example. Now that he’s gone, I just want to show him that I’m a good person. I don’t know. I just love him and I want him to be proud of me. Anyway our talk was long and very helpful. She is an amazing aunt and I love her so much. It was a hard day, but if anything the dream has made me more motherly to the children I do have here with me. I can hold and love them. And I’m so grateful that I have them to motivate me and help me move on. I couldn’t imagine going through this without them. I really do think that Grayson was sent to us to help heal us. He is the happiest child I’ve ever met. He seriously has a permanent smile on his face at all times and loves everyone! Plus I got pregnant with him while on birth control! I don’t know, I just feel like he’s supposed to be here now. Also one of the hardest things is going from 3 kids to 2. There's just such a hole there. Not just Austin, but having three kids. I just feel so empty at times. I don’t know… I’m just rambling.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
The day Austin died was the worst day of my life. I didn’t believe it until he was laying in my arms blue and cold. I kept thinking back to blessing he and I had received throughout his life. Things like he would heal according to my faith, that he would heal, that he would marry a woman of his choice, and that I’d let him develop his talents in music. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he would be healed… and still on this earth; alive. One of his very last blessings came from a bishop in Colorado Springs who said that the lord’s power would burst through every inch of his body and he would be healed. So I believed it… with every fiber of my being. I haven’t always been very religious, but I have always had faith. I knew I had enough faith to save him.
When the doctors told me that he was having constant seizures and that his brain was mush and told us that Life Support at this point was pointless, I still had enough faith to move a mountain. There was no doubt that he was coming home with me. He would have his miracle. I put my hands on him, and told God to heal him, that it was time. He would heal and I would have a lot of doctors and nurses getting baptized. I know that God has to live the laws of nature, but I also know that Jesus could heal the blind by touching them. And Austin would be touched. I was so positive that I told them that going off child support was fine… he’d be fine anyway. But when he turned blue and cold, I wept.
There were two days where I was hysterical in tears. I could hardly move. Everything reminded me of something about him, or regret was always ready to move in. I knew he was healed, just as I was told. I knew that he would have had many surgeries in his life and spent way too much of his life in the hospital, but I was looking for a different type of healing… a miracle. I was devastated. He was my best friend. My baby. He was a mommas boy and I couldn’t get enough of him. He had a sweet spirit and loved everyone. He never complained and always snuggled with you like a baby, even at 2 ½! He was Lily’s bestfriend.
Anyway after those two days, I went to Utah and went numb. I could not cry or feel or anything. It was awful. The only thing worse than crying, is not being able to cry. I started to second guess my love for him. Was he so unimportant that I was already over him? Was I really that dead inside? Even people who didn’t know him cried for him, and I could force out a single tear. I started stressing over it, and started to force the feelings. I watched videos of Austin, I looked at pictures, I thought of fond memories… nothing. I was numb.
Then Austin arrived in Utah and I went to see him. When I walked into the room his hair was parted in the middle and sleeked back. It wasn’t him. I bawled. Why did they make him look like that? Austin’s hair was always wild. After that I could get emotional again. I think it’s like your body’s way of protecting itself. Or possibly it was just me stressing over it. Like when you go to the doctor and need to pee, but then you sit in the restroom trying to pee in a cup for hours… stress is a very powerful thing!
Anyway I love him so much more than words can describe. I know he’s healed, happy, and extremely special, but I’m selfish and I miss him dearly. I would love to snuggle with him, or see him do his silly faces, or any of the fun things he does. He was the sweetest boy on earth. It didn’t matter who you were, he loved you. He never cried, he was soft spoken, and he was happy. He loved to dance, eat, and play with Lily. He was an angel. I breakdown at the thought of him constantly. I’m just so grateful that he got to die in his loving mother’s arms and in no pain. I’m grateful that I got to be his mom and that he knew how much I loved him. That’s one thing I don’t regret at all. I always let him know how much I loved him and he knew. I adored that little boy so much. He was my baby. He was always going to be my baby. I just miss him.
Monday, May 02, 2011
4330 South Redwood Road
Murray, UT 84123
The viewing is at 11am, the funeral will be at 12pm.
Then the graveside part will be at 1pm or whenever we get there after the funeral.
ANYONE is welcome!!
I'd love to see you guys.
Sorry I haven't been answering my phone or keeping up with FB.
Wear whatever (I'm wearing a black dress).
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Also the vein like arteries that he was born with are starting to degenerate, and they are getting smaller instead of larger. And since they're so tiny and they pretty much have to sew them together they can clot and then it'll all be over for him. So the next few days will be very critical and the surgeon is worried
Eight hours have passed! They are finally closing Austin up. His heart is beating on it's own. Thanks for all your prayers and concerns. We will be able to see him in ICU in a little over an hour. They will be keeping him asleep until later tomorrow.
They have decided to use the jugular artery of a cow for the graft. They don't use these often, but they feel it will lay flatter and work better for Austin. His body has been cooled to 77 degrees. He is doing fine.
They have put Austin on the lung and heart machine. They have decided to give him a new valve, but still have not decided whether to repair the hole.
They are separating and isolating the smaller arteries and determining which arteries are significant. Some will be considered insignificant and they will not be attaching them to the conduit. The conduit can be made of human matter, or it can come from a pig or bovine. They have not yet decided which material to use for the new artery.
They will be updating us about every hour. We have had the first update and he has had all the tubes and IV’s put in and the anesthesia has been administered. They have begun the operation. So far he is doing very well.
We arrived at the hospital this morning at about 6:10 am. They checked Austin in and sent us up to pre-op. There they dressed him in his hospital gown and checked his vitals. One by one the nurses and doctors came to greet us and ask us the same questions over and over that we had answered yesterday.
At about 7am they gave him a little cocktail that helped him relax and will help him forget everything that is happening. He got very silly. When you held him he was dead weight. He would lift his head, smile, giggle a bit and then slam his head into my shoulder. He was being so cute. They checked his vitals several times and then washed him down with a disinfectant soap. We did this same washing last night.
After lots of hugs and kisses, he was carried in the nurse’s arms out the door to begin his surgery. He just looked at us with is puppy brown eyes as the door shut between us.
Okay guys, Austin has been in surgery for 6 hours now. Just in case you aren’t aware of what’s going on with Austin, he has pulmonary atresia with VSD. The PA mean he has no pulmonary artery and instead had little veins coming off the heart doing all the work. But the problem with this is it is very hard on the lungs. So he heaves a lot, gets tored easily, turns blue, and has a low immunity. His life is shortened significantly with this.
This surgery is basically them connecting those veins and putting in an artificial artery. He’s still have a shorter life, but it will be longer than what it would be. This is rare heart disease so noone has much experience with it. They say it’s one of the most difficult and tedious heart problems to fix. It can be fatal. And with this particular problem, brain damage after surgery has a higher chance. It’s a very scary day for us. But if all goes well, he be able to play easier, live a little longer, and have a better, fuller life.
We are hoping and praying for the best and preparing for the worst.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Friday, April 01, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
So that night I relieved some stress by eating out with Amy!