Ultrasounds

So when I lived in Belgium, the whole pregnancy process was different. Every apt you got an ultrasound, and then around 23 weeks, they give you a 3D ultrasound to do a full exam. Here they do three and that it, and no 3D.

This makes me mad. Very mad. Mad enough to try to change it, but how?? They examined Austin's heart in every apt but never noticed his heart problem until the 3D one. I mean I see SO many babies die at birth of the same thing Austin had, and he lived till he was almost 3. We did so many things that I think made a huge difference. I am just so mad, that my baby has a higher chance of having a heart defect, yet they aren't planning on doing anything about it. I am mad.

ugh

I hate baby names.

Let's begin.

I am a believer. I always have been. I believed in Santa until I was in 5th or 6th grade and my parents had to sit me down and tell me. And for a long time after that, I still believed and had just thought my parents had lost their belief, like all adults do in movies.

So when my mom tells me a sacred, spiritual experience, there is no doubt in my mind that it's true. whether it is or not doesn't concern me... I believe. Or when people bear their testimony of the gospel... I doubt nothing.

Well here's the thing, Santa isn't real.

So as much and I want my belief to be enough, it's not. So today I'm beginning my road to knowing.

I believe in faith, but when you're presented a way to KNOW if the gospel is true, I think it's something worth doing.

So I'm going to read the whole Book of Mormon. And then pray.

"Years ago my great-great-grandfather picked up a copy of the Book of Mormon for the first time. He opened it to the center and read a few pages. He then declared,“That book was either written by God or the devil, and I am going to find out who wrote it.”
^ ditto, I plan to find out as well. :)

I know I've started before, but this time I'm determined to get through it, and pray while it's fresh on my mind. I'll let yall know!

:(

I know this is stupid to be upset about, but I'm really sad that I never got to attend any of my sister's weddings, and now I won't even get to attend my little sisters.

Still apart, but always together.

Can I just say that I love my husband and how much our relationship is growing? People who just give up on marriage after a year or two, shame on y'all. We're all human, we're always growing and adapting. Chris and I might have had a rough start and i'm not going to lie, I've looked up divorce online once or twice, but i'm so glad that I have a family that believes in marriage and believes in what Chris and I have.

I mean 5 years ago, Chris and I were crazy teenagers. We didn't have a long-term thought in our heads. But now look at us! We are both changing so much for the better... in such different ways!

Obviously, I've embraced a more religious lifestyle. And when I committed, I COMMITTED. I don't party on Saturday and then go to Church on Sunday. No, every aspect of my life is different. I pray every night, morning, and throughout the day. I read every self-help religious book I can get my hand on, I don't party at all. I don't even drink the occasional glass of wine or say even the more innocent of cuss words. I am not perfect, but I try everyday a little harder to be a little better. I'm sure that all God really wants us to do. Anyway back to Chris and I. Becoming religious again has made me want to be a better wife and mother. It has made me look at sex a completely different way. It has changed my priorities to "family first". It has made me want to grow as a person in every possible way.

Chris, on the other side, is changing in a completely none religious way, but just as good in my eyes. He's just growing into a man. He also is all about family. I've loved how much he's been calling his family and trying to be apart of their lives. I love that when we talk, It's SO much deeper than it used to be. He wants to make the kids and I happy. He is SO committed to our family, and so committed to me. He is supportive in everything I do, from buying THOUSANDS of dollars worth of photography equipment, to helping me go to church every week, all the way to watching the kids whenever I go through my "going out everyday" phases. He's always been one to say yes, and do to everything in his power to make us happy.

When I go through my depression, he completely takes over the household. He goes to work all morning, then comes home, feeds the family, cleans the house, and then relaxes with the kids and let's me be alone. I appreciate this so much, but I don't want to do this to him ever again. He should get to come home from a stressful day of work, eat a meal made my me, and relax with the family. He's not the mom and dad and he shouldn't have to pretend he is. When he gets home, things will be different, and I'm trying to get myself prepared for that. I don't need to only better myself spiritually, I need to better myself COMPLETELY.

I'm just so grateful. I don't know why I am so blessed in this life, but I am. I have it all. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, a family that supports me, my own wonderful family that I don't deserve, I grew up in the gospel, I'm comfortable financially, I get to travel often, I forgive easily, I go on vacations regularly, I grew up in a good home and in a good area. I am educated and talented. I get to see my son again and I get to have him as motivation... to get back to him. My kids have the most amazing spirits, and my husband has my heart. Seriously, I can't imagine a happier life (and it's just getting better). I believe I can beat this depression. I can be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I want to be.

Chris and I are bother changing for the better... together.

Austin's Birthday.

Thanksgiving in Michigan. It was a hectic week for sure, but the best part was Austin's birthday. I loved being surrounded by people who believe in the same gospel as me. It was SUCH a comfort to go from crying to laughing about what things will be like when I see him again. There is SO much comfort in religion. I don't think you should just have religion for comfort, but it sure does help when you're feeling down.

I also felt a lot of love for Emma Smith that day.
I couldn't imagine how much she loss. My loss was nothing compared to hers yet her faith stayed strong and she kept going.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

I really enjoyed this video on his birthday.

Birthday

So Austin's birthday is on Thanksgiving Day this year... this is the first birthday without him. Since he's turning three, one of the things we're doing it a balloon release. We are each letting go of three balloons this year. Anyone who wants to do that as well is more than welcome.

I didn't want his funeral to be depressing, I wanted to celebrate his life instead so we did a birthday party theme (it was beautiful), we had a banner with his name, TONS of balloons, and tried our best to keep it a joyous day to celebrate him instead a depressing day. We talked about how fun he was, we sang our own version of Black Bird (Red Bird), and tried to keep it uplifting. At the cemetery we did a HUGE balloon release with over a 1000 balloons and it was a beautiful and surprisingly peaceful moment. I want to keep that same mentality for his birthdays too.

Heaven is For Real

I read this book and LOVED it. I bawled through the whole hospital portion of the book... it hit way too close to home for me. I relived everything from just reading. It was really difficult.
Overall I was skeptical throughout the book, but enjoyed the story and message.
I recommend you read it too.

The after reading is what has me all upset. I decided to go read reviews on the book and I can't believe how HARD people are! I mean, yeah a lot of it sounds crazy and might not be true, but for them to just disregard it like it's a book that came straight from Satan. My mom always says that a church is a lot like a hospital. It's there for people to go get spiritually healed. It's not there for perfect people to remain perfect so when you go to church you can't look at the people and decide that you do and don't like that church, because people are human and we all disappoint. We need church to help us through the next week. So don't judge the guy who comes to church with a hangover... atleast he's there; trying! So I'm REALLY trying to remember that right now, because I'm just so upset with Christians in general... including LDS. How can you see one thing you don't like and just completely close her mind/heart to it. And then turn around and do missionary work and expect others to just humble themselves.

I'm annoyed.

Humbled

It's funny how people turn to God during hard times in their lives. During everything with Austin, I can't really say I did that (except for the very end). This is going to sound ridiculous, but I really feel like God sought me out. I really had no interest in him and definitely didn't turn to him very much during everything that went on. But I had a lot of spiritual experiences happen to me in a very timely matter, little did I know I was slowly humbling my heart to it and now I'm trying so hard to get back to him. And to find out his will for me.

Regardless he was always there for me and he must have known that I'd need him in my life now for him to seek me out like he did.

I just hope others can have their own humbling experiences.

Another one??

Before I announce each pregnancy I get so much anxiety about people's reactions. I think it's just a habit I've formed from the many bad choices I've made. From getting married at age 18 AFTER having a baby to having almost 4 before I'm 24 (haters are gonna hate). I don't know I always feel like I need to act like it was an accident every time I announce. But none of my kids are accidents... they might have not been planned... at all, but they have all come into our home and brightened it up with a new love we never knew was even missing!

I love being a mom. I love making a family with Chris. I know we are good parents and we have good wholesome family values (after a few rocky years). If we could afford it, I wouldn't mind having 10 more kids with Chris! Well maybe 2 or 3 more lol. But still! It's a beautiful thing being a parent and should not be taken lightly... and for me it's a welcomed responsibly. These kids will grow up and have families of their own and so will their kids... think of the family reunions!

I love my parents and I'm so so SO grateful they gave me my 4 sisters. Siblings are a blessing to be cherished and I want that for my kids. I want a great big family and crazy drama, and everything else that comes with a big family!

The happiness outweighs the difficulties...

So anyway I'm done feeling anxiety when I announce my next pregnancies, I am SO grateful to Heavenly Father that I even get to HAVE kids at all, and obviously he wants me to be a mom. I've learned that in many ways.

These children are gifts.
And I pray that you may one day get to have the gift of a family as well...
maybe even lucky enough to have a big family like Chris and me! :)

"woe is me"

Today has been awful, one of the worst in a couple months. I can't seem to shake it! Today was the first official day of absolutely no medicine. So last night I was up most of the night because all my dreams were vivid , very real, and horrible. Then when I was up I was just completely dizzy. It's like spinning around and around, but when you stop the dizziness doesn't go away... at all. It's the most awful feeling. Another perk of going off my medicine AND being pregnant my emotions are on egg shells. Seriously today was a crying marathon... I could not stop bawling. I hate being a downer so I probably wrote a 1000 "woe is me" statuses on facebook, but deleted them a few minutes later. Then on top of everything, today was a bad day. It would have been a bad day if I were completely stable.

Here's my post from this afternoon... I wrote it in a bad moment and so I deleted it, but it sums up my day. But I was overreacting and I want to go ahead a first say that my mom has been wonderful and I should not complain at all about her, she's been my rock through all of this.

"AAAAAAAH!!! Nobody understands what I'm going through and I just want to shake them all and tell them understand! I'm so so so so emotional right now I just want to SCREAM! Im dizzy, I'm hot, my stomach is in knots, my kids are either crying because they need something or doing something else wrong, I just can't it right now any of it!

My mom and dad don't understand at all. I just want to go home right now. I can't handle this I need my husband here.

Gray is SCREAMING because he needs his diaper changed and I can't find a single wipe, my mom is gone and has no phone, I can't find my keys anywhere... I just can't handle this!!! I'm just SO dizzy! I spend every night is deep vivid nightmares, I can't seem to fix anything. Grayson hates napping, and playing alone, and if he's out playing he's being destructive which my dad can't handle, my mom is always busy on her projects and so she can't help me either (but she does when she can), and they won't allow to to just let them cry.

I have no idea what to do I'm so stressed out.

I hate my medication, I hate going off of it, I hate the emotions of pregnancy, and I HATE that nobody in the world knows what this feels like!

I NEED to go home. I wish so badly I had a home to go to."

Then I got on facebook and saw my aunts post about losing her dad 25 years ago... I don't want to ever write a post like that. I don't want 25 years to go by without him here. I hate it so much not having my son and I know that I'm strong and I'm just having a moment, but he was my baby... my boy! I just can't imagine 25 years + without his sweet laugh.

And THEN I read about some lady complaining about birthday shopping and it reminded me that I should be birthday shopping right now. My baby is turning 3 next week. I don't want Thanksgiving or family, I want to be home with Chris and the kids eating grilled cheese and laying in my comfy blanket with all 3 almost 4 kids laying in bed with me and jumping on Chris.

How did I get here? When did things get so wrong??

I want my family.

Grateful for my Husband

So of course I'd love for Chris and me to be on the same page on everything, but that's not how life works. Chris isn't interested in the church and at first that really bothered me. It caused a lot of problems in our marriage. But now looking back I don't understand why. If he isn't interested that's perfectly fine. First off IF he ever decides to become religious in anyway I'd want it to be because he was humbled to it and had his own spiritual experiences, not because it's what I desire. Also we're in two different places in life and so it's not fair to assume we're on the same page. And most importantly, Chris has been nothing but supportive of me and my decision to change. He encourages me to go to church, even helped me wake up on Sunday mornings! He has even agreed to let me tithe our money! He's letting me just give money away to something he doesn't even have faith in! He supports me in every desire I have. I just wish I had never pressured him to become religious. If he's going to accept me then I should accept him. He IS my husband after all. And I love him! :)

Book Of Mormon

This is my goal. Read, Pray, Ask, Know.
“And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. ” (Moroni 10:4)

Anyone want to join me?

It's time for me to know for myself.
It'd be fun to have someone to "compare notes" with. :)

Change

I was just thinking and it occurred to me how much I've changed this year... Who would've known a year old that I'd be such a different person now. I always thought that letting God back into my life would be hard with so many temptations around me, but it's quite the opposite. I don't know if I'm just getting older or have completely had a change of heart but nothing I used to do appeals to me in the least. I am not tempted at all to be who I once was. I just want to stay in with my family every night and play games. I'd rather read the scriptures or a talk more than well anything... shopping! It's just so amazing how much I've changed and in all this hardness of my life how I still thank God for all my many blessings every single night.

Purpose.

So I know I've been really upset lately in my blog posts, getting off this medicine has made me a little insane lol, but I'm determined. I don't want to rely on medicine. My mom is right when she says that the brain is very powerful. I'm so much more fun, passionate, and real when I'm not on anything. I just want to be me.

Having said that, the purpose of this blog is not just to cry and be upset all the time. It's a record of my journey through this trial I'm in. This is also my journey to find a testimony of Heavenly Father and how he will help me in my healing process.

I want to be able to come back and read this in years to come to hopefully show my growth in life.

I also hope that maybe someone going through this might find this blog and find comfort in the fact that they're not alone.

Crazy.

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and due May 31st.

Grandma

I'm 23. Austin was only in my life for 2 1/2 years. That's nothing... at all. That's a minute in life. But those years meant the world to me. I just think of my grandma. She lost her son Valiant so many years ago. Probably in her 30's. She's now 80. She's had to go all those years without him. And not only that, but I have no idea who he is, nor do I have interest in him. I have never considered him a part of the family or one of my mom's brothers. He's just the brother who died.

That's going to be my sweet Austin.

Life will go on without him, and soon he'll just be my dead son. I already hate that people look at me like he was such a bad thing that happened to me. He was the most amazing little boy. His heart was huge and I knew that from day one. I wish more people knew him. He's not a burden, he was a blessing. It's just hard losing such a blessing. Family is everything. One day it won't hurt so bad, and maybe then people won't look at him as some kind of illness.

This whole post makes no sense.

My Blanket.

My mom, sister, and brother-in-law made me the most beautiful blanket for my birthday this year. It took them months to make it and a lot of hard work, but I just can't get myself to sleep with it. I'm so connected to this stupid blanket my grandma made me for my wedding. I've washed it a billion times, it's faded, and it's had holes on it; but it's MY blanket. I didn't realize how important it was to me until this trip to my moms. I got this blanket almost 5 years ago and it has been with me, comforting me through some crazy, rough years. It's been spit up on, pooped on, cried on, loved on... it's been through everything. My favorite "Family Time" is just when Chris, me, and all the kids got up on the bed just to play, snuggle, or watch a movie. I loved when all 5 of us would be snuggled up in bed together. Lily and Austin always would get on Chris's back as soon as he laid down, even if he has just laid down to rest right after work before taking off his uniform, they'd be on him in a second! I don't know. Just this blanket holds so many memories. Just the feel of it calms me sometimes. I love it so much.

Blog

So I hate being depressed on this blog. This is my Family blog and should not be all bad. So I moved some things over and I started one. But it's a very personal one. I get very depressed on it and share all my thought and feeling about Austin and everything. It will also get religious. So if you don't want anything to do with that, I'd stick to reading this blog lol.

I need a place to write; to share.
http://guidemetothee.blogspot.com/

Disconnected.

I am so disconnected with the world.
I hardly have my phone on me if it's even charged, I hardly check Facebook and when I do it's only to post a status and then get off, I never want to leave my house except to go to church, I've completely stopped talking to family and friends unless they're right next to me.

I'm just in a dark place.

I'm constantly dizzy. If I could sleep away my days, I would.
I don't enjoy smiling. I don't enjoy anything.

I want answers from God. I want to find him and have a testimony of him.

All my days run together and I despise Holidays.

I just need to get off this awful medicine so I can start living again... even a little.

Mess

I am such a mess these days.
I'm pregnant and emotional. Plus I'm trying to ween off my antidepressant which is making me constantly dizzy and tired. And to top it off having another child without Austin being here is breaking my heart.

I just want to lay in bed all the time wrapped up in my blanket.

I pray every night, but I still feel nothing but pain.
Why can't I get the answers and feelings I desire?

23rd birthday.

It's my birthday and I am so incredibly unhappy. I lost that contest, which is no big deal, but it's what I've been excited about for a couple months now. I'm one year older which just mean I'm one year closer to being passive about Austin's death. You know I just have something to say about that. I love my kids so much, I really do. But Lily is soooo attatched to my mom and Grayson is soooo attatched to Chris and I KNOW that if it came down to it they were pick them. Austin was my only baby who without a doubt would have picked me. I know that's dumb but it's true. I just feel so alone. And at the same time I want to be left alone. I don't want to see everyone and do everything. I want to just lay here with my kids (Lily,Austin, and Grayson). I'm just so lost. I don't know how I got here and I don't want to be here. Chris is gone and we have no home. I just feel so lost. I hate my life. I hate birthdays. I hate so much that Austin's not here. I just want to go back. I don't want to get older. I want to go back to last Christmas and freeze time. I want to savor those precious momemts when my whole family was together... when I was happy.

It's been a rough night. Breakdown after breakdown. I know there's a plan, but I just can't understand a plan where Austin doesn't get to grow up with his sister and brother. Lily and his were bestfriends and he was such an amazing brother to Grayson. And you know, Lily will get over him and Grayson will only hear of him. It breaks my heart into tiny little pieces everytime I think about his absence in our lives. You don't understand, I would give ANYTHING to get him back, to have my family back together. People talk about the plan of salvation and blah blah blah, but they have. n't lost the dearest part of their entire lives. He was my life. He is my life. I want him home. And I want him home healthy. I would give anything... my job, my friends... ESPECIALLY my friends. I cannot believe I spent so much time trying to have friends. All that precious, precious time wasted away. My priorities were so messed up. I would give anything to get that time back

Death

I just don’t understand death… especially of a child. Maybe if the parents were awful and God wanted to give the kid peace, but this is just unbearable. I’m not me anymore, a huge part of me is dead now. I just do the steps to survive, but it’s so difficult knowing that not that long ago Austin was here. I could touch him, laugh with him, he could wear the clothes I went through today. I don’t want to get over this, I want him back. What can I do to get him back??

i despise this stupid life.

I just don’t understand death… especially of a child. Maybe if the parents were awful and God wanted to give the kid peace, but this is just unbearable. I’m not me anymore, a huge part of me is dead now. I just do the steps to survive, but it’s so difficult knowing that not that long ago Austin was here. I could touch him, laugh with him, he could wear the clothes I went through today. I don’t want to get over this, I want him back. What can I do to get him back??

Studio

Just showing my sister all my new equipment.
My studio is mostly for individuals or small families, i don't have a ton of room yet... that why these pics are so squeezed.

DISCOURAGED

^^See I'm not bad.^^

I'm so discouraged. Everyday is so full of pain. I keep thinking I should get blessings, but my mom read a talk tome that basically said getting blessings more than once can actually be a lack of faith. So I've turned photography into my coping mechanism. I finally started my business. But here's the thing... nobody wants them. I know people who have two bookings a day, I've had two ever and I gave them for free. I mean I know I'm good. And I only charge $80, plus a free cd. I mean that's less than walmart! And my pictures are soooo much better. I mean should I lower my prices?? I just feel stuck, and the only way to go on is to keep busy doing something I love. But EVERY photographer is getting work and I'm not.

I just NEED to occupy my mind so I'm not just crying all the time! ugh!

Taken at 2 am with just umberellas!

Fun day!

Today was really fun. I went to a playdate with some of the ladies in my ward. They are all so much fun and I'm glad I've made some friends at church. They're all easy to talk to and Lily seemed to enjoy her new friends. A lot of them are actually in her church class so that's nice. Then we went home, because my mom had to go back to NY... or so we thought. She ended up missing her flight. Thank goodness! One more day with mom here is a blessing. Lily and her made homemade rice krispy treats for us YUM! And then I got my computer ready for my photography business. So I organized everything into years and then months. And then i even started editing a few pictures. And then I went to bed. I read a couple chapters on 2nd Nephi and now I'm blogging about my day. :)

I still can tell you enough how much Austin has inspired me to... LIVE! I miss him with all of my heart and would love to have some sacred experience where I would see him and see all the good that he's doing. You know, just an update.

Anyway (not anyways, I learned that today!), goodnight! :)

Beginning my Journey.

So today has been a very good day for me and I’m am more grateful for Heavenly Father than ever. Austin’s loss has motivated me to be a better person in every single way. So today I worked on two things, reading the Book of Mormon for the first time and making a photography studio in my home. I have never read the Book of Mormon. Although I have been raised LDS and have been taught it’s principles, I wasn’t active at all since I was 14 or so. And before that I went because I had to and never really paid attention. I never gained a testimony of my own. So in the Book of Mormon it says if you read it humbly and pray and ask God if it’s true he will tell you. And all my family members have their own experiences and testimonies. I’m ready to have my own… to find out for myself if the church is true or not. I’m still in 1^st Nephi, but I am enjoying it. I’ve never had the chance to really ponder on it and now that I’m older I understand more than I used to. I have a journal that I’ve made into my Book of Mormon experience journal. So whenever I have a question, comment, an experience, or just want to share a thought I write it in my journal. It has been very helpful. I never thought reading the Book of Mormon could be so interesting and enjoyable! Also It’s time for me to pursue me dream of photography and so today I started working on making my studio (thanks to my mom and Husband)! I’m so excited and motivated. My heart is softened and I’m thirty for knowledge. I love it!

Lily's Struggle

So let's talk about Lily. She is struggling. When Austin dies she saw a child specialist who helped her prepare to see him. But when she saw him she was... odd. She didn't act it. in fact throughout this whole thing her emotions have been hidden from the world, but she wouldn't come near him. For awhile after that day she had a magic drink that would wake Austin up. She kept it with her at all times. We tried to explain it in every possible way we could think of. We read books about death to her, watched Disney movies that involved death (example: Lion King), and had lots of talks. At the funeral when she saw him in the coffin she was very weary about him. Very uncomfortable, but kept wanting to see him again. Since that day she only says little things here and there to let us know how much she's thinking about him. Her emotions are still in tact though. She asks us to tell her stories about Austin all the time. She has a very love/hate relationship with Jesus. She'll go from hating him for taking Lily to loving him and they're married. Oh and half the time all her dolls are dead and she gives them lots of funerals. Sometimes she's be causing trouble by having tantrums or being a bully and when you sit her down to discuss it she always admits that she misses him. She pretends he's just pretend half the time. My heart just breaks for hers. They were best friends. She LOVED him so much. I feel worse for her than anyone. Anyway she's been working on a picture book about Austin. So everyday she draws a picture of a memory she has with Austin. Today she drew Austin and her eating spaghetti, his favorite! But when my mom went away to do something and came back she had drawn a picture of him dead in his casket and her sad. It made me so sad. Here they are...

The gospel.

So I’m ready to just put this out there. I’m changing day by day. This started before Austin’s death, but his death certainly softened my heart to the gospel. Everyday I learn something new. It’s so amazing how full the gospel is. How anyone could possibly deny or judge it is beyond me. It’s amazing. It’s has made his death so much easier, but there is so much good to grasp to. I’ve been inspired over and over again. I have faith. My mom has been amazing throughout this and I love her so much. I’m just so blessed. I miss Austin so much and sometimes I’m angry and sometimes I cry, but it’s nice to have something to hold on to. It’s nice to feel at peace. I love him so much and I know things are better for him. He’s not just lying in the ground. He is happy. I’m just so very grateful.

Also things that help me through hard times are good scriptures, good talks, and good messages. Maybe even you're experiences. So if you ever feel inspired to send me a message or find a talk you think I'd enjoy or need, send away! :)

How I found Grayson.

They broke him.

So here’s the thing… after you lose someone as involved with your life and as loved as Austin you just have to take it day by day. One day I’ll be fine, the next I’ll be a wreck. Sometimes I’ll love everyone and others my heart will be filled with hate. Today was a good day. I went to church with my mom. After losing Austin I have really come unto Christ. I’m not as hardcore as I’d like to be, but I’m working towards a better life. It has really helped me deal with Austin’s loss. It’s funny, when he was alive I was his example and now he’s mine. (side note, this is when I become super emotion, sorry in advance) Sometimes I’m so so so angry. With the hospital that sent me a letter that I’m guessing they send out to all of the families that come through there. It basically said that they hope we had a wonderful experience at their hospital and hope we come again. I think if they lose a kid they should be careful what they choose to send out. Just saying. I also think that if you fail at your surgery, they shouldn’t be able to charge us. It’s like we’re paying them for killing him. UGH! I know, I know it’s not their fault. And I do not blame them, I just can’t understand things. I mean I brought Austin there to be healed. I had no doubt in my mind that we would leave there with Austin. I didn’t know how healed he would be, but I knew he was coming home. I feel so cheated. So cheated. He could still be here today if we hadn’t taken him there. And when the surgeon open him up and saw that it was going to be more challenging than he thought, he should have CLOSED him. Do not experiment on my son. I just want to go back. I wish I had waiting more years and maybe by then there would be more advances in heart surgery. How is it possible that I just took my poor, innocent little boy to get “fixed” and then they broke him even more? I want to see him so much. I want to feel his chest move as he breaths. I know there is no one to blame and it was just his time, but why? Why my boy? We needed his sweet spirit in our home.

humble.

I have lived an interesting life. If you know me then you know that is putting it lightly. Austin’s rough life and death was definitely the hardest experience I have ever gone through, but I have had many little experiences that have prepared me for this. In a sense, I’m becoming the woman I’m going to be by going through these hardships. I hope after all the pain has faded I’m a more humble, compassionate person. I hope I can take these experiences and help others in need. Right now everything is about how awful life is without my little Austin man, but one day I can take this pain and turn into sympathy towards others in need. I really believe that Austin is happy and healthy. I bet he is doing so much good. His heart was weak, but it was made of gold. I just miss him with all of my heart. I just hope I can turn this horrible experience into a useful one. I want to grow from this. I want to be a better person.

Today has been an okay day.

another dream.

Last night I had another dream. A horrible one. It’s funny how all my emotions are relived and exaggerated in my dreams. In this one Lily was sick. But she was Austin. I have yet to see Austin in a dream. So Lily had a heart problem and as she was about to die, I was doing everything I could to save her. People told me to just let go. They were so mean, but I didn’t say anything. Then when she passed and I told people what songs I wanted, everyone thought I was stupid and showed me these horrible, inappropriate songs and told me they were better. I was even madder but still didn’t say anything. Then I found this app on my phone where you could change someone hair, eye color, body, heart, etc. and I had to try. So I pretended like I was just going to change her eye color, because I knew people wouldn’t understand. So we decided to go to some memorial for her and it was awful. People were so awful! They were singing and dancing. It was comparable to a circus. I was so angry. So I got up to the stage, went to the microphone and told them off. I was so upset. But instead of listening they turned off my microphone and got mad at me. So I went to the other microphone at the middle of the stage and yelled again. I was so angry, but they wouldn’t listen. They just got upset that I was not behaving correctly and made me leave. So then I decided to get up and apologize. As I was leaving someone found my phone and saw that I was trying to fix her heart and once again they were against me. They were so mean. They told me I wasn’t behaving right and that I just needed to let go already. When I woke up I was so angry. Who were they to tell me how a mother should react to losing a child? NOBODY knows what its like and can’t say a thing about how someone chooses to react and how long it takes for them to “heal”. I'm just so angry! People have told me numerous times since I’ve been here how well I’m doing and how they’re proud of me and impressed how I’ve taken all of this. What does that even mean?? Am I not supposed to not be like this? Am I not allowed to be hysterical? Have you ever lost your CHILD? Ugh! I might hold things in, but I am not okay. And you shouldn’t expect me to be. And if I want to fill my house up with pictures of Austin, I will. And if I want to try to fix his heart, I will. And if I blame myself for some things, I am allowed. And if I want to make a scene, I feel like I deserve it. And if I’m still having a hard time in 10 years from now, it’s more than okay. I can be as emotional or as numb as I want to be. Until you go through it, don’t think you can say anything to the contrary. Even if you’ve dealt with death, losing you kid and being the kids mother would, in my opinion, be the worst of all deaths. And that is all I’m going to say about that.

missing.

I know that Austin is happy and healed and seeing things in a different light now, and I know that being sad all the time is for me because I don’t get to see him or have him around anymore, and I know his perspective of life has probably changed, but I really, really hope he misses snuggling with me as much as I miss snuggling with him. I wonder if he’s busy doing heavenly things or if he’s just sitting around watching me being all sad, Lily playing, Chris playing on my phone, and Grayson learning to crawl. I’d rather him be enjoying himself and his healed heart, but every once in awhile I hope he misses my hugs and kisses, Chris’s “man” chair, Lily’s picnics, and Grayson’s smile, and I hope he even misses his blanket… because we all sure do miss him. More than you can know.

dream.

On Grandma’s 80^th birthday we went over to her house in the morning for breakfast and since I’m not a morning person I took a nap with Grayson soon after I ate. During the nap I had a dream. A nightmare! I can’t remember most of it, but Austin had dies, so I had to relive that horror and because I was so busy mourning Austin, I had forgotten to feed Grayson and then he died too. It was awful. Horrible. I woke up in tears. It set the mood for the rest of the day. I fell apart and bawled. I feel bad that I did that during Grandmas party, but it just hit me. My aunt Eve who had lost her daughter Holly a few years back decided to take me on a walk. We shared thoughts, stories, theories, and lots and lots of tears. We talked about how nobody could understand the pain, the depth of loss you feel. How people feel bad for a moment and then go on with their lives while you’re stuck in quicksand and still have to find a way to keep moving forward. The pain is just so deep, he was my baby! He was only 2 ½! We also talked about how this experience is just a reminder and motivation to get on the right track in life. I don’t do anything now that I wouldn’t want him to see. I know I should have always thought that about Jesus, but Austin was my baby and I was his example. Now that he’s gone, I just want to show him that I’m a good person. I don’t know. I just love him and I want him to be proud of me. Anyway our talk was long and very helpful. She is an amazing aunt and I love her so much. It was a hard day, but if anything the dream has made me more motherly to the children I do have here with me. I can hold and love them. And I’m so grateful that I have them to motivate me and help me move on. I couldn’t imagine going through this without them. I really do think that Grayson was sent to us to help heal us. He is the happiest child I’ve ever met. He seriously has a permanent smile on his face at all times and loves everyone! Plus I got pregnant with him while on birth control! I don’t know, I just feel like he’s supposed to be here now. Also one of the hardest things is going from 3 kids to 2. There's just such a hole there. Not just Austin, but having three kids. I just feel so empty at times. I don’t know… I’m just rambling.

The hole in my heart.

The day Austin died was the worst day of my life. I didn’t believe it until he was laying in my arms blue and cold. I kept thinking back to blessing he and I had received throughout his life. Things like he would heal according to my faith, that he would heal, that he would marry a woman of his choice, and that I’d let him develop his talents in music. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he would be healed… and still on this earth; alive. One of his very last blessings came from a bishop in Colorado Springs who said that the lord’s power would burst through every inch of his body and he would be healed. So I believed it… with every fiber of my being. I haven’t always been very religious, but I have always had faith. I knew I had enough faith to save him.

When the doctors told me that he was having constant seizures and that his brain was mush and told us that Life Support at this point was pointless, I still had enough faith to move a mountain. There was no doubt that he was coming home with me. He would have his miracle. I put my hands on him, and told God to heal him, that it was time. He would heal and I would have a lot of doctors and nurses getting baptized. I know that God has to live the laws of nature, but I also know that Jesus could heal the blind by touching them. And Austin would be touched. I was so positive that I told them that going off child support was fine… he’d be fine anyway. But when he turned blue and cold, I wept.

There were two days where I was hysterical in tears. I could hardly move. Everything reminded me of something about him, or regret was always ready to move in. I knew he was healed, just as I was told. I knew that he would have had many surgeries in his life and spent way too much of his life in the hospital, but I was looking for a different type of healing… a miracle. I was devastated. He was my best friend. My baby. He was a mommas boy and I couldn’t get enough of him. He had a sweet spirit and loved everyone. He never complained and always snuggled with you like a baby, even at 2 ½! He was Lily’s bestfriend.

Anyway after those two days, I went to Utah and went numb. I could not cry or feel or anything. It was awful. The only thing worse than crying, is not being able to cry. I started to second guess my love for him. Was he so unimportant that I was already over him? Was I really that dead inside? Even people who didn’t know him cried for him, and I could force out a single tear. I started stressing over it, and started to force the feelings. I watched videos of Austin, I looked at pictures, I thought of fond memories… nothing. I was numb.

Then Austin arrived in Utah and I went to see him. When I walked into the room his hair was parted in the middle and sleeked back. It wasn’t him. I bawled. Why did they make him look like that? Austin’s hair was always wild. After that I could get emotional again. I think it’s like your body’s way of protecting itself. Or possibly it was just me stressing over it. Like when you go to the doctor and need to pee, but then you sit in the restroom trying to pee in a cup for hours… stress is a very powerful thing!

Anyway I love him so much more than words can describe. I know he’s healed, happy, and extremely special, but I’m selfish and I miss him dearly. I would love to snuggle with him, or see him do his silly faces, or any of the fun things he does. He was the sweetest boy on earth. It didn’t matter who you were, he loved you. He never cried, he was soft spoken, and he was happy. He loved to dance, eat, and play with Lily. He was an angel. I breakdown at the thought of him constantly. I’m just so grateful that he got to die in his loving mother’s arms and in no pain. I’m grateful that I got to be his mom and that he knew how much I loved him. That’s one thing I don’t regret at all. I always let him know how much I loved him and he knew. I adored that little boy so much. He was my baby. He was always going to be my baby. I just miss him.

Friday the 6th.

The McDougal Funeral home
4330 South Redwood Road
Murray, UT 84123
The viewing is at 11am, the funeral will be at 12pm.
Then the graveside part will be at 1pm or whenever we get there after the funeral.
ANYONE is welcome!!
I'd love to see you guys.
Sorry I haven't been answering my phone or keeping up with FB.
Wear whatever (I'm wearing a black dress).

His heart has stopped, they're doing CPR and he's on life support.

the next couple hours are very critical.

We talked to the surgeon and although the surgery is over and they are stitching him up, he is not out of the woods so please, please pray for him. His stats are really low like is the 60's. I am devastated! My heart. I just want to see him so bad. I just want to hug him. My poor little boy. I love him so much. The surgeon said that it did not go as planned, and we'll be watching him. We'll get to see him in the CICU in a couple hours.

Also the vein like arteries that he was born with are starting to degenerate, and they are getting smaller instead of larger. And since they're so tiny and they pretty much have to sew them together they can clot and then it'll all be over for him. So the next few days will be very critical and the surgeon is worried

Surgery done.

Eight hours have passed! They are finally closing Austin up. His heart is beating on it's own. Thanks for all your prayers and concerns. We will be able to see him in ICU in a little over an hour. They will be keeping him asleep until later tomorrow.

1:02 pm update:

They have decided to use the jugular artery of a cow for the graft. They don't use these often, but they feel it will lay flatter and work better for Austin. His body has been cooled to 77 degrees. He is doing fine.

11:20 update:

They have put Austin on the lung and heart machine. They have decided to give him a new valve, but still have not decided whether to repair the hole.

9:40 am update:

They are separating and isolating the smaller arteries and determining which arteries are significant. Some will be considered insignificant and they will not be attaching them to the conduit. The conduit can be made of human matter, or it can come from a pig or bovine. They have not yet decided which material to use for the new artery.

8:40 am update:

They will be updating us about every hour. We have had the first update and he has had all the tubes and IV’s put in and the anesthesia has been administered. They have begun the operation. So far he is doing very well.

update

We arrived at the hospital this morning at about 6:10 am. They checked Austin in and sent us up to pre-op. There they dressed him in his hospital gown and checked his vitals. One by one the nurses and doctors came to greet us and ask us the same questions over and over that we had answered yesterday.

At about 7am they gave him a little cocktail that helped him relax and will help him forget everything that is happening. He got very silly. When you held him he was dead weight. He would lift his head, smile, giggle a bit and then slam his head into my shoulder. He was being so cute. They checked his vitals several times and then washed him down with a disinfectant soap. We did this same washing last night.


After lots of hugs and kisses, he was carried in the nurse’s arms out the door to begin his surgery. He just looked at us with is puppy brown eyes as the door shut between us.

I cried.

Austin's heart.

Okay guys, Austin has been in surgery for 6 hours now. Just in case you aren’t aware of what’s going on with Austin, he has pulmonary atresia with VSD. The PA mean he has no pulmonary artery and instead had little veins coming off the heart doing all the work. But the problem with this is it is very hard on the lungs. So he heaves a lot, gets tored easily, turns blue, and has a low immunity. His life is shortened significantly with this.

This surgery is basically them connecting those veins and putting in an artificial artery. He’s still have a shorter life, but it will be longer than what it would be. This is rare heart disease so noone has much experience with it. They say it’s one of the most difficult and tedious heart problems to fix. It can be fatal. And with this particular problem, brain damage after surgery has a higher chance. It’s a very scary day for us. But if all goes well, he be able to play easier, live a little longer, and have a better, fuller life.

We are hoping and praying for the best and preparing for the worst.

Playing around with Photoshop. :)

Teething.

Poor Bear...

Why so serious??

Dress up

They got dressed up and then came downstairs to show me.
Cute!

Shots.

:(

Barbie.

He loves them too. :)

Sleeping Barbie.

She loves those girls sleeping with her every night.
I have no idea why they're always naked!

Girls Night

Shelbey, Jenna, Amy, and I went out for a girls night. It was a lot of fun!

Kisses.

Sweet boys.

4 months!

bad day.

Lily stole my candy Chris bought me and Austin and her ate ALL OF IT. I wouldn't be surprised if they get belly aches. Its days like today when I wonder what was I thinking having 3 kids! I made the kids some popcorn for snack, and they definitely had a popcorn throwing fight. It's been one thing after another today!
So that night I relieved some stress by eating out with Amy!

Birthday Girl.

She's four!

Sweet.

Hubby brought me home a little gift. :)

Sleep.

They are so cute sleeping together.