Monday, May 23, 2016


I'm seriously failing at life right now.  I'm so just blah all the time about everything.  I'm blah about life! My home life, my sleep, my relationship with family and friends, my relationship with Heavenly Father, and the one I have with myself is so unhealthy.  I just want to stay in bed all day and just BE.  I have zero desire to go to church or to live the gospel.  I don't really have a desire to sin either.  I'm just here.  Doing absolutely nothing.  Becoming absolutely nothing.  I'm a mess.

It was only a couple years ago that I read The Book Of Mormon for the first time and decided to leave sin behind.  I had it ALL together!  I was so excited about life.  I was excited about the Gospel!!  I was eating right and exercising, I had healthy relationships with family and friends, I loved my job.  I was so motivated to get to the Temple.

What happened??  How am I here?? I'm not happy here.  I don't want to be here.  I just don't have the motivation or drive to move forward.  I'm stuck.  And lost.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Dreaming about my lost boy.

I had an Austin dream last night.  I don't remember much of it, I just remember looking for him in a panic.  I wasn't sure why I was panicking but I had to make sure he stayed with us.  I can't remember seeing him in my dream, but I vaguely remember he was with us earlier on in the dream.  Anyway while I was sleeping, he was still alive and I have no recollection of him passing away.  So it was so odd waking up this morning.  I very much remember my mind shifting from asleep frantically looking for him and coming to the realization that he's gone.  I wish I was still asleep where I truly forgot he's gone.  I've been thinking about that dream off and on all day.  I just wish I could have found him before waking up.  I wish I could go back into that dream.  One day I'll be able to stop looking for real.