I could actually wear this shirt 7 months ago!


10 MORE WEEKS TO GO!!

today I am 30 weeks and 130 pounds!

Guess what Jessica... I made my decision. Sorry it took so long, but I didn't want to actually come out and tell you until I was ABSOLUTELY sure. Now I am. I'm your Surrogate mother. Now you may get excited my dear. The being wavery is over.


I love you jess!

Btw I was thinking if you are still thinking about that same first name... I think your middle name would sound better than mine... just think about it!
ams

last week



my belly button is trying to come out...



today... i don't look too good b/c my makeup at Chris's house so i had to use my moms... and my hair just didn't want to work with me today... oh well i know yall have been dying for an entry...

I want a 4-D untrasound... but for now this will do.

^^^^ that little thing all by itself in the dark is the heart... ^^^^

i just thought i deserved 9 months.

alright i'm done... i was going to put up my ultrasounds n all that, but nobody ever listens... so i'm done with blogger.

I'm having a girl!! I am going to put up the ultrasounds tonight... but i'm not happy with them. You can't really see the baby in it. Nat says it's because the bigger the baby gets, the harder she is to see. She is10 inches long! That's crazy!! Almost a whole foot... I'm only 5'4! She is only one pound... but the cutest thing in the whole world. During the ultrasound she was all squirming around. The doctor was trying to get her to turn around so we could see the front, but she was fighting her n moving her cute little face from side to side. She was just so innocent and precious! Dad said he saw her wave and say, “I papa”! haha he’s a dork! But she was defiantly the cutest thing ever. She looks like she’ll have a Bush nose! Well from what I saw! Anyway She’s cute… the end.

Btw... Em, Nat, n Jess- If yall don't start updating yalls... then i'll just stop updating mine in pubic view. I only got blogger b/c yall use it! So yall better get back on the wagon! oh.

Well I didn't get to go to my ultrasound apt. today b/c mom was WAY too sick to even move and dad had a work thing. So another day not knowing the gender. My next apt. is on the 20th. They only do ultrasounds on wed. and thurs. So anyway... I think this kid is trying to beat me up constantly. I've never been kicked more in my life. He/ She REALLY wants to get out I tell ya! Chris is the only person to feel the baby move so far. He thought it was so cool. I tried to let dad feel, but he was a little too late. The baby just doesn't like some people I guess. At school b/c I’m just sitting there, the kid just like jumps around my insides. I'm certainly showing now. But people just think I’m fat... I hate that. I want to tell people, and at this point it doesn't matter if I do... but I'd rather just wait until well it's obvious. I am dreading the question of what I’m going to do... I don't think putting the baby up for adoption sounds very loving... I know if I heard that before I'd think badly of the decision. I don't know, I’ll probably just avoid the answer all together. I'll just be rude and tell them that it's personal. I mean it's not like I'm aborting the child! I know the family I’m giving it to... and I know they will be great parents for this child. I'm not doing anything wrong... in fact; I think I’m doing something that is better for the child.

pic

Doesn't look as big as i do usually... but i like it anyway. This pic was such an accident too!

I guess it’s time to update. Okay well my stomach is getting bigger and bigger! In the mornings my stomach looks so freakin deformed. Well I am putting the child up for adoption this Jan. I know it’s going to be hard, but I’m planning for it everyday. I wish I could just stay pregnant forever more. Well without the bad parts. I started college this last Monday, and it is so weird being there around all those people pregnant. I know I just look fat right now, but soon enough it will be obvious and I’m awfully worried about the reaction. I guess I’ve gotten through the worst part… telling the family. Haha just kidding. This baby is slowly, but surely coming and I just keep on going on with life as usual. Chris pretends I’m not even pregnant now, because he said he doesn’t want to get attached. He told me that he wants to do all the cute things like put his head on my stomach to talk to the baby, rub cocoa butter on my tummy, and all the other exciting things fathers do… but he’s not going to be a father so why get excited about it. I understand where he’s coming from. I think it’s going to be as hard on him as it will be for me. Maybe even more, believe it or not. Shelbey is moving Mon… but she said she will try to visit in Jan. Jenna will be graduated by then. So atleast I’ll have my best friends by my side.

12 weeks 5 days

The baby is SOO big!

Okay so now that Chris and I have officially agreed on giving up our child, we now need to find the perfect family for the perfect child. I want my child to have parents that are just like mine. They are still together, are successful, are fabulous parents, good Mormons (but not Mollys to an extreme). I don’t know I just wish my parents were about 20 years younger and be my child’s parents. Oh my goodness gracious this is going to be the hardest decision in the whole world to make! I can’t see myself giving my baby up to… just people. I know some people can’t have children and will adore this child so much. I want to give someone that blessing, but who is the question. This baby is mine… my blood, my features, my everything… and so I’m going to give him or her up to who…?

11weeks

you know you don't have to be a member to comment... good ol' family!

Well today was well completely awful… yet fabulous. I went with Chris this last weekend to Tennessee to visit his mom and to clear a ticket from his record. Well today was the day we got to drive home. Well we were kind of in a hurry to get home due to my first OBGYN doctors appointment I had at 2:00. Well so I really couldn’t eat anything because I get sick eating in the car. So at 2 I got to the appointment feeling all gross from dry heaving hours before. Well they gave me a pap, checked for the baby’s heart rate, and took blood. GALLONS of blood! Well because I was sick that just made me sicker. During the blood taking I swear my whole arm turned black! Okay maybe exaggerating just a little. Well I turned pure white and started seeing spots and feeling dizzy. I tried to walk it off, pretending to be fine, but I only made it to the door then it got so bad that I had to lie down or else I would have passed out. The doctor had me drink a glass of water… the same water I threw up as soon as I left the office. My arm still feels weak and restless. It is honestly KILLING me! Well after I left the doctor, Chris took me to get a bag of popcorn, a big bottle of water, and to watch The Devil Wears Prada. Then we went and ate Hibachi at my Japanese restaurant. He really is a nice guy. OH! I’m having my very first Ultrasound this Fri.! So I’ll post the picture!

just another thought.

How the heck could I let someone so heartless and horrible get me pregnant? I was such a dang fool! He wants to be this bachelor and live like one. He doesn’t want anything out of our relationship. He calls my friend, Katie, more than he calls me! I have to call him to get anything out of him. How did I do this to myself… or to him… or to this baby? I try so hard and I feel like nothing I do or say will make him want to be with me anymore. He is the only guy in the whole world that can make me happy right now. So why does he make me so unhappy? Why do I live my life thinking of ways to surprise him, or to make myself look better for him? All I do is try to impress that boy… and he doesn’t care at all. He too busy hanging with the boys wishing he were 27. I don’t know what this stage is that he’s going through, but it is definitely the wrong time to be going through it! You know what… despite things I say or do… I really do love that boy. I try so hard not to, but I really, really do. He doesn’t give me the time of day. He invited Katie to his little thing this weekend before me. How am I supposed to take that…with a smile? Well right now I have to. I can’t say or do anything wrong, because I know that he will just make me the dirt on his shoulders. You know… the mother of his baby! Man not only do I feel so completely lonely right now I don’t even have him to fall back on. You have no idea how very much that kid means to me! He is my everything and more. I mean, in reality, I am giving this baby up more for him than anyone else. I know that is what he wants and needs so I will respect that and do it for him and… of course… the baby.

It's time to grow up... I am having a kid!

Chris and I got in a fight last night. Actually in wasn’t a fight at all. Chris basically broke up with me and explained and I listened and cried. He told me that I was a child and that his 7 year nephew seems older than me in his actions. He told me I was really irresponsible and needed to grow up. He said all I do is whine and try to get others to do all the work for me. We discussed how I don’t clean my room, do my own laundry, make my own meals, wake up or go to bed at a decent time, or do even any basics around the house. Then on the top of it, I quit my job without having another job to fall back on. He basically told me that at this point in my life I should have those things just be habits and be doing more things to better myself. He told me that I was selfish and didn’t care about others as much as I cared about myself. He basically told me everything my mom has been telling me for the past 5 years. You know what? He’s right. It took someone else telling me for me to finally understand that I’m almost 18 and need to start making steps into adulthood. So last night I made myself dinner, cleaned the kitchen, picked up the guest room, brushed my teeth and cleaned my face, and took my vitamins. Then this morning, so far, I got up at 7:30, cleaned up the clothes in my bedroom, ate a good breakfast in the morning, cleaned and vacuumed the family room, and have just been doing what I need to do to grow up a little. I hope this time becoming responsible actually sticks. I told Chris that I really needed to hear all of that and to please give me one more chance, because I had given him plenty. He agreed. When I woke up my parents were thanking Emily for cleaning up the kitchen… wow I guess that I really do need to make this change!oh by the way, I used that Veet shaving cream stuff today and it worked! I really like that stuff! It irritated my skin for about 5 minutes and then it was amazing! I absolutely recommend it!

The so called "father"?

Yesterday was the first real meeting with the LDS social Services people. We watched a video that really made me cry. Throughout the whole night… even while looking at the people who want to adopt, I never got a good feeling about that option. I have never got a good feeling about adoption since the very beginning. That kind of sucks because Chris is all for it. I mean he told me he would support me in any decision I make… but that is where he stands. How can he be so sure of what he wants? I can’t even consider either choice yet as a final choice. This is the hardest choice I probably will ever make, and it seems like it’s a piece of cake for Chris. Maybe it’s because he’s not as emotionally involved with everything. Maybe it’s because he gets all of his advice from his family that only cares about Chris’s future… yeah Chris’s kid can go to hell in their opinion. I know it will be hard. I mean that’s obvious. However it’s Chris’s kid! His flesh and blood. My flesh and blood. Chris is so stuck up his own butt to see this. I mean I know he can support a baby if he had to. I KNOW he can! I mean he might not be able to afford a brand new car or a dirt bike too… but he can afford a baby. He chooses not to… because it’s not convenient for him. Well it sure as heck was convenient to have sex with me! Pay up buddy! You make decisions in life and you have to live with the consequences… not just give your “problem” to someone else! Gosh dang he bothers me. I mean I haven’t written out adoption, but it’s definitely not my first choice. If there is any way I can possibly give this child a good life on my own I would so fast. I HATE my job, but if it paid better and they let me work 24/7… I would to support my child. However what I really want is for this child to be happy. I also want to be a stay at home mom. I know that’s not possible at this time. However, hopefully one day that will be a possibility. Life is so confusing!!!By the way…I’m now 9 weeks along!

My one and only might not be my own!

Well I am a seventeen year old who grew up in a very good home with a wonderful family. I was raised LDS. Well in my family I was absolutely the "different" one. I could never just listen and learn from my parents or my three older sisters. I was the rebel of my family. Well you want to know how good that did for me? Well not only am I seventeen, but I am also 8 weeks pregnant. Cool huh? Oh. That's not so cool? Well that's me the rebellious pregnant seventeen year old. Well anyway now I have to make the most important, yet awful decision ever. I could live a hard life and raise my precious baby… or I could give my baby to a family that wants and can take care of my baby. Did you read in that sentence the word “my”… my baby? A mother is God in the eyes of a baby. That baby is so innocent and will be so new to the world that it can’t make choices on it’s own yet. That’s why a baby has a mother. A mother should care for that baby and love it. I want to be the mother of this child. I can’t see myself giving it up. I know I should. When I decided to give up my spot in EFY my heart broke. My hormones went crazy! I couldn’t stand the fact that I just gave my spot away. I couldn’t get it back. It was gone. I freaked out over something as little as stupid EFY… how the heck am I supposed to give up my own fresh and blood. The light of my life. The best and the worst thing to happen to me.

Pregnant reactions (up to 8 weeks):I have thrown up a lot and foods such as sour patches are NOT good anymore.Emotions are going sky high and I cry… and cry… and cry…
May 22 I weighed 127 and now I weigh 118… I need to eat!No food besides Campbell Chicken Noodle and Vegetable soup sounds good to me.
My chest I TENDER and growing like crazy! Heck I’ve been able to fit in my little sister’s bras!