Wednesday, June 28, 2006

just another thought.

How the heck could I let someone so heartless and horrible get me pregnant? I was such a dang fool! He wants to be this bachelor and live like one. He doesn’t want anything out of our relationship. He calls my friend, Katie, more than he calls me! I have to call him to get anything out of him. How did I do this to myself… or to him… or to this baby? I try so hard and I feel like nothing I do or say will make him want to be with me anymore. He is the only guy in the whole world that can make me happy right now. So why does he make me so unhappy? Why do I live my life thinking of ways to surprise him, or to make myself look better for him? All I do is try to impress that boy… and he doesn’t care at all. He too busy hanging with the boys wishing he were 27. I don’t know what this stage is that he’s going through, but it is definitely the wrong time to be going through it! You know what… despite things I say or do… I really do love that boy. I try so hard not to, but I really, really do. He doesn’t give me the time of day. He invited Katie to his little thing this weekend before me. How am I supposed to take that…with a smile? Well right now I have to. I can’t say or do anything wrong, because I know that he will just make me the dirt on his shoulders. You know… the mother of his baby! Man not only do I feel so completely lonely right now I don’t even have him to fall back on. You have no idea how very much that kid means to me! He is my everything and more. I mean, in reality, I am giving this baby up more for him than anyone else. I know that is what he wants and needs so I will respect that and do it for him and… of course… the baby.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

It's time to grow up... I am having a kid!

Chris and I got in a fight last night. Actually in wasn’t a fight at all. Chris basically broke up with me and explained and I listened and cried. He told me that I was a child and that his 7 year nephew seems older than me in his actions. He told me I was really irresponsible and needed to grow up. He said all I do is whine and try to get others to do all the work for me. We discussed how I don’t clean my room, do my own laundry, make my own meals, wake up or go to bed at a decent time, or do even any basics around the house. Then on the top of it, I quit my job without having another job to fall back on. He basically told me that at this point in my life I should have those things just be habits and be doing more things to better myself. He told me that I was selfish and didn’t care about others as much as I cared about myself. He basically told me everything my mom has been telling me for the past 5 years. You know what? He’s right. It took someone else telling me for me to finally understand that I’m almost 18 and need to start making steps into adulthood. So last night I made myself dinner, cleaned the kitchen, picked up the guest room, brushed my teeth and cleaned my face, and took my vitamins. Then this morning, so far, I got up at 7:30, cleaned up the clothes in my bedroom, ate a good breakfast in the morning, cleaned and vacuumed the family room, and have just been doing what I need to do to grow up a little. I hope this time becoming responsible actually sticks. I told Chris that I really needed to hear all of that and to please give me one more chance, because I had given him plenty. He agreed. When I woke up my parents were thanking Emily for cleaning up the kitchen… wow I guess that I really do need to make this change!oh by the way, I used that Veet shaving cream stuff today and it worked! I really like that stuff! It irritated my skin for about 5 minutes and then it was amazing! I absolutely recommend it!

Friday, June 23, 2006

The so called "father"?

Yesterday was the first real meeting with the LDS social Services people. We watched a video that really made me cry. Throughout the whole night… even while looking at the people who want to adopt, I never got a good feeling about that option. I have never got a good feeling about adoption since the very beginning. That kind of sucks because Chris is all for it. I mean he told me he would support me in any decision I make… but that is where he stands. How can he be so sure of what he wants? I can’t even consider either choice yet as a final choice. This is the hardest choice I probably will ever make, and it seems like it’s a piece of cake for Chris. Maybe it’s because he’s not as emotionally involved with everything. Maybe it’s because he gets all of his advice from his family that only cares about Chris’s future… yeah Chris’s kid can go to hell in their opinion. I know it will be hard. I mean that’s obvious. However it’s Chris’s kid! His flesh and blood. My flesh and blood. Chris is so stuck up his own butt to see this. I mean I know he can support a baby if he had to. I KNOW he can! I mean he might not be able to afford a brand new car or a dirt bike too… but he can afford a baby. He chooses not to… because it’s not convenient for him. Well it sure as heck was convenient to have sex with me! Pay up buddy! You make decisions in life and you have to live with the consequences… not just give your “problem” to someone else! Gosh dang he bothers me. I mean I haven’t written out adoption, but it’s definitely not my first choice. If there is any way I can possibly give this child a good life on my own I would so fast. I HATE my job, but if it paid better and they let me work 24/7… I would to support my child. However what I really want is for this child to be happy. I also want to be a stay at home mom. I know that’s not possible at this time. However, hopefully one day that will be a possibility. Life is so confusing!!!By the way…I’m now 9 weeks along!

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Thursday, June 22, 2006

My one and only might not be my own!

Well I am a seventeen year old who grew up in a very good home with a wonderful family. I was raised LDS. Well in my family I was absolutely the "different" one. I could never just listen and learn from my parents or my three older sisters. I was the rebel of my family. Well you want to know how good that did for me? Well not only am I seventeen, but I am also 8 weeks pregnant. Cool huh? Oh. That's not so cool? Well that's me the rebellious pregnant seventeen year old. Well anyway now I have to make the most important, yet awful decision ever. I could live a hard life and raise my precious baby… or I could give my baby to a family that wants and can take care of my baby. Did you read in that sentence the word “my”… my baby? A mother is God in the eyes of a baby. That baby is so innocent and will be so new to the world that it can’t make choices on it’s own yet. That’s why a baby has a mother. A mother should care for that baby and love it. I want to be the mother of this child. I can’t see myself giving it up. I know I should. When I decided to give up my spot in EFY my heart broke. My hormones went crazy! I couldn’t stand the fact that I just gave my spot away. I couldn’t get it back. It was gone. I freaked out over something as little as stupid EFY… how the heck am I supposed to give up my own fresh and blood. The light of my life. The best and the worst thing to happen to me.

Pregnant reactions (up to 8 weeks):I have thrown up a lot and foods such as sour patches are NOT good anymore.Emotions are going sky high and I cry… and cry… and cry…
May 22 I weighed 127 and now I weigh 118… I need to eat!No food besides Campbell Chicken Noodle and Vegetable soup sounds good to me.
My chest I TENDER and growing like crazy! Heck I’ve been able to fit in my little sister’s bras!