Thursday, September 22, 2011

23rd birthday.

It's my birthday and I am so incredibly unhappy. I lost that contest, which is no big deal, but it's what I've been excited about for a couple months now. I'm one year older which just mean I'm one year closer to being passive about Austin's death. You know I just have something to say about that. I love my kids so much, I really do. But Lily is soooo attatched to my mom and Grayson is soooo attatched to Chris and I KNOW that if it came down to it they were pick them. Austin was my only baby who without a doubt would have picked me. I know that's dumb but it's true. I just feel so alone. And at the same time I want to be left alone. I don't want to see everyone and do everything. I want to just lay here with my kids (Lily,Austin, and Grayson). I'm just so lost. I don't know how I got here and I don't want to be here. Chris is gone and we have no home. I just feel so lost. I hate my life. I hate birthdays. I hate so much that Austin's not here. I just want to go back. I don't want to get older. I want to go back to last Christmas and freeze time. I want to savor those precious momemts when my whole family was together... when I was happy.