Monday, April 30, 2012
I don't know if it's because Austin was near so my emotions were extra sensitive or what, but the last couple days were so much harder than usual. I know he was on my mind a lot, but he always is and it usually isn't THAT difficult. But I made it through his one year. I still cannot believe it's been a whole year. This year has brought so much change and growth in my life and I have that sweet little boy to thank. I just can't believe I was able to spend his one year in the temple. A year ago I would have NEVER thought I'd be worthy within a year! It was so peaceful there. It's so neat sitting in a place that is so clean and the spirit just is always present! I'm so grateful to my baby and can't wait to see his sweet face again one day. I have come to peace with him being gone and that he has work he's doing on the other side. I really believe he's still a huge part of our day to day life even if I can't see him. Some days are obviously harder than others, and I'll never fully be okay with it all, but I know that the strength of our family and the love and appreciation we have have for each other is so much stronger now that we've dealt with loss in such a horrible, heartbreaking way. We know how important family is and will never take it for granted. I just miss my boy and can't wait for our family to be together forever.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Sometimes when you go through something as horrible as the loss of your son, after awhile you start taking the emotion out of the situation. You start being able to talk about it as if it didn't happen to you, like you're talking about someone else. I feel like I have come to some sort of peace about Austin. But tonight there is no peace. I can just see him there sleeping with those fingers and that blanket. His smell. I loved his smell. I remember when he'd sleep with me, I'd catch myself sniffing him. He smelled like hospitals and laundry detergent. Weird, I know but I loved it. I miss his silly faces and his dance moves. I miss his love and devotion to his sister. I love how when she's get into trouble he's go sit with her in time-out. This is so selfish, but I love how much he loved me. He saw past all my weaknesses, my bad parenting, my depression, he just loved me unconditionally. And he never ever complained. I know I could have given him a better life, and I know that regardless he was satisfied. I just want to be the person he wants me to be. I want to make him proud, and above all I want to be sealed to him forever. I'm just rambling, this whole post probably make no sense! My head hurts.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Today I'm really hating the words, "one day". I usually find peace in those words, but today I just find emptiness and sadness. I know where Austin is and what he's doing, but days like today, he belongs here with his mom. I just want to find the peace I've found this year. The last couple weeks I just feel awful. And it doesn't help that Grayson practically hates me. Ugh. I'm just over today.
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Easter is a very personal holiday for me because it hold a lot of promises that I grasp on to every day. Last year on Easter we were preparing to take Austin to the hospital to fix his heart. Well his heart was fixed, but not in the way I would have chosen. But Jesus made it possible that I will get to see my baby again one day and we will both live again one day together, along with the rest of my wonderful family. Jesus is a beautiful man who has forgiven me and has given my life hope and strength. I'm so excited for that day I can hug my Austin again and thank my Savior for saving me every single day. I just can't believe it's been a year since Austin left. I pray he stays close to Chris for the next few days to comfort him and give him peace. I know it's dumb but I'm really glad I let him pig out and eat all his Easter candy last year before taking him to get that surgery done. I miss you Aus, so much. Here's a pic from last Easter.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
Bedtime for most parents is the best time of the day, because it allows them to have some alone time. But for me it's the absolute worst time of the day. Maybe it's because of Austin, or maybe I'm just too attached to my kids, but every night my bedtime routine seems to get longer and longer. I just hate saying goodnight to my sweet little kids. It's so hard for me for some reason. I guess one reason is because they seem to be extra cute and loving at bedtime. But also it's because it's just one more day gone forever, and they are just one day older. I just don't want to miss a second of their childhood. Soon they'll be in school, then they'll grow up there and I'll be left behind and most likely hated for a good part of their young lives. It's just so sad. I want to wake them up and give them all the loves I can give. I know I should just enjoy the present, but sometimes it's hard to not mourn the present also, because all too soon it will be just another memory.