Wednesday, May 30, 2012


Tonight I'm feeling so off. I feel like as I'm taking time getting used to Claire, that I'm completely neglecting my relationship with Lily and Grayson. I feel like they are just so far away from me right now. I want to be 100% there for each of them... all of the time and still get everything else I need to do on top of that. I just want to hold them and play with them and I want them to grow up to be good people.

Monday, May 07, 2012


Lily is only 5 and she is one of the most amazing girls I have ever met. She is strong, positive, and has the purest of hearts. But lately I've been very worried about her. I feel like she's had to endure so many things in her short life and it's starting to wear on her. She lost her very best friend, she lost her dad twice, people come in and out of her life constantly, she's moved around so much already. I just hate that she's had to live so much in such a short time. Maybe she'll find strength in it, but lately I've been seeing something that I don't want to see. She's been acting out, losing her temper, not listening, sleep walking/talking. And when I do get " control" it's like you see loss in her eyes. I'm sure she just feels like she has no control and that things keep happening to her. I really hope all of this doesn't make her unstable as an adult. I wish I were a better parent for her. I just know I'm doing it all wrong and her craziness will be because I made the wrong parenting choices. How to I turn all of this into strength? How can I make her feel like she can do anything? I just feel like she is so lost and I don't know what to do. Children should not have to feel this way. Lily should just play and dance and enjoy her life, not worry about the next days events and who's coming and going in her life. My poor, sweet baby girl has so much pain in her life, I just want to take it away.

Ugh i just can't sleep. I wish I could make her life easier on her. She's been through so much. No child should have so much happen to her at the young age of 5. I just worry about her.

Sunday, May 06, 2012


I'm very headstrong.  When I decide something, it can be difficult for anyone (myself included) to talk me out of it.  As a kid/teen it worked against me.  If I decided I was going to be a certain way, I never quit.  My parents had a very hard time with me as their daughter lol.  As a undeveloped kid I cared about all the wrong things and made lots of mistakes BUT as an adult I see it as a gift!  

I may struggle with things but the second I decide "it's time", my headstrong ways kick in and help me in amazing ways!  Even Chris is surprised how easily I can tackle something I've been struggling with forever just because I decide it's time.  After that my mind is made up and it becomes EASY!  Crazy right??  

The DAY I decided I was putting my past behind me and stopped partying and everything that came with that world was the last day I did it.  I never turned back.  And before that day I was kind of wild. 

For years I was completely addicted to chocolate, it actually started replacing meals with chocolate!  I went through a bag of chocolate in a sitting!  I wouldn't go to the grocery store if we were out of food, but if we were out of chocolate, I'd grab the kids at midnight and run out to stock up.  It was bad.  But once I decided it was time I was easy!!  I'm going on three months without chocolate!

I haven't worked out, well, ever.  I wasn't an athletic kid.  I never felt the need.  Chris started pushing me to start working out because he was concerned about my health (so much chocolate lol).  And I tries to workout and eat better but I hated it lol.  I'm really weak before I decide it's time.  It usually takes some building up to get there (in this case 5 years).  But again a week ago I decided it was time!  It's only been a week but I haven't missed a workout, my diet is so much better, I'm driven!  I know I can tackle this just like everything else I set my mind to, it's my gift!  

My broad goal is to be the best wife and mother I can be.  To be healthy and live an active lifestyle.  To be spiritually stable and have a great relationship with Heavely Father.  To be an amazing photographer with a booked schedule and to be at a point where I can take on only shoots I want.  And to enjoy life!  Just watch, I'm going to keep pushing until all my dreams come true!  These ones and my future ones!  I'm driven.