Even with all the bad things going on, I truly found God here. This was truly MY turning point. I felt the atonement change my heart here. This was where I was supposed to be.
I WANTED to find God and to repent. Austin was my drive at first, I wanted to get back to him. That, and all the love and comfort I felt from Heavenly Father during that time. I needed to be clean- I needed to repent. I wanted to know if my church was true. I NEEDED to know. I remember sitting in my room at this house reading the Book of Mormon for hours and hours everyday. I would run into my parents room whenever I had a question, and thought, or just read something that spoke to me. It brought me so much hope. What a powerful feeling is such a dark moment. Although it wasn't really a dark moment, the months following Austin's death were awful, but they were FULL of so much light and comfort. I remember the nights I laid in my bed praying and feeling so enveloped in warmth. I felt my Saviors love.
I remember after I went through the repentance process, I was sitting in the car filled with the the spirit, knowing that I was forgiven. I was clean! The atonement had saved me. I remember feeling like the Savior was so close to me at that moment. Like he was giving me a hug. This all happened here.
As I reflect on that time period, I feel truly blessed. I changed during those 9 months. I started my relationship with my amazing, loving Heavenly Father. I learned how much he loves me and how invested in my happiness he truly is. While living here I felt closer to heaven than I could have ever imagined.
This month marks the fourth year of my sweet Austin being gone. That boy truly changed our whole family. He touched all our lives in such a huge, lasting way. He changed me. I miss him. My parents selling this house feels like I'm closing another chapter to Austin's book. I hate feeling like with every passing year I feel further and further away from him. He's in my thoughts less than he should be. His memories are fading little by little if I hadn't written them down. My kids are reminding me of him less and less. I truly hate it. I prefer raw sadness and true mourning over this. I do love that I see the good in his time here instead of focusing on the sadness of him leaving, but I don't know. I just wish sometimes that I could walk into my house and see my husband and all four of my kids there playing. I know I'll see my baby boy again, but I want to feel closer to him NOW. But instead I'm closing another chapter. I'm leaving another sacred place to my heart. Another home. The last home I connect with him. So yes, it's bittersweet. I'm so grateful to be here and to remember how I became the Amy I am today, but I am so devastated that once again I have to say goodbye.
