Thursday, September 22, 2011

23rd birthday.

It's my birthday and I am so incredibly unhappy. I lost that contest, which is no big deal, but it's what I've been excited about for a couple months now. I'm one year older which just mean I'm one year closer to being passive about Austin's death. You know I just have something to say about that. I love my kids so much, I really do. But Lily is soooo attatched to my mom and Grayson is soooo attatched to Chris and I KNOW that if it came down to it they were pick them. Austin was my only baby who without a doubt would have picked me. I know that's dumb but it's true. I just feel so alone. And at the same time I want to be left alone. I don't want to see everyone and do everything. I want to just lay here with my kids (Lily,Austin, and Grayson). I'm just so lost. I don't know how I got here and I don't want to be here. Chris is gone and we have no home. I just feel so lost. I hate my life. I hate birthdays. I hate so much that Austin's not here. I just want to go back. I don't want to get older. I want to go back to last Christmas and freeze time. I want to savor those precious momemts when my whole family was together... when I was happy.

2 comments:

Cindra said...

Just an FYI...Lily would always choose you. She is trying to be you. You should watch. She loves being your little girl. Yes she loves me, but I am grandma. For a long time she was more attached to me, but now it is ...."What, What grandma, What" She has much more than a grandma in her life. She loves her family and especially YOU! Have as good of a birthday as you can.

Amy Ellen said...

I can't really imagine your birthday making you feel very complete. I wish so badly Austin could be back with you, Chris was there to help and love you, and I was across town to come hang out :) But seriously, I know days like these are so difficult for you, but once you get through them you have another day, and another and another....and Lily and Grayson love you. They need you. Even if it doesn't feel like it all the time, they wouldn't trade you for anyone or anything else. Plus, you're a pretty cool mom...and an amazing person. Anyway, I know I can't say anything that will take your hurt away or make you feel happy, but I'lk keep saying things anyway because I want you to know I love you and think you are a really awesome person :)