Stuck.

I'm seriously failing at life right now.  I'm so just blah all the time about everything.  I'm blah about life! My home life, my sleep, my relationship with family and friends, my relationship with Heavenly Father, and the one I have with myself is so unhealthy.  I just want to stay in bed all day and just BE.  I have zero desire to go to church or to live the gospel.  I don't really have a desire to sin either.  I'm just here.  Doing absolutely nothing.  Becoming absolutely nothing.  I'm a mess.

It was only a couple years ago that I read The Book Of Mormon for the first time and decided to leave sin behind.  I had it ALL together!  I was so excited about life.  I was excited about the Gospel!!  I was eating right and exercising, I had healthy relationships with family and friends, I loved my job.  I was so motivated to get to the Temple.

What happened??  How am I here?? I'm not happy here.  I don't want to be here.  I just don't have the motivation or drive to move forward.  I'm stuck.  And lost.

Dreaming about my lost boy.

I had an Austin dream last night.  I don't remember much of it, I just remember looking for him in a panic.  I wasn't sure why I was panicking but I had to make sure he stayed with us.  I can't remember seeing him in my dream, but I vaguely remember he was with us earlier on in the dream.  Anyway while I was sleeping, he was still alive and I have no recollection of him passing away.  So it was so odd waking up this morning.  I very much remember my mind shifting from asleep frantically looking for him and coming to the realization that he's gone.  I wish I was still asleep where I truly forgot he's gone.  I've been thinking about that dream off and on all day.  I just wish I could have found him before waking up.  I wish I could go back into that dream.  One day I'll be able to stop looking for real.

I just don't know.

Either this is my way of telling myself this is our last baby or something is seriously wrong with me!!  Usually right now in my pregnancy I’m counting down the days to meet my sweet new family addition, my excitement is at an all time high.  This pregnancy has been very different.  I feel blessed for sure, but everything has felt… off. 

At first I thought I was just not excited, because quite frankly, I was embarrassed.  Some of my family and a ton of my friends were having so many troubles with infertility and losing their babies and I, yet again, was pregnant.  I felt BAD!  I didn’t want to share the news with anyone!  Why did they have to suffer and I got pregnant just because I read I read my fertility tracking app wrong one day?  It was frustrating.  So I waited and waited to tell anyone and because of it, I never really let myself get excited.

Now I’m just so nervous that I’m not ready for this!  I was sitting in the shower last night enjoying a silent house knowing that soon everything will be so different again.  I know my kids, they’re all older now and I’m used to them.  I don’t know this baby.  I don’t even know if it’s a boy or girl (which may be apart of the problem).  I feel very distant this time around for some reason.  Apart of me knows that I will love this baby so much and we will instantly bond and I’ll never look back, but another part of me REALLY isn’t ready for dirty diapers, mastitis, never going anywhere alone, etc.  It’s SO stupid, I know!!  Children are SUCH a gift!  Why am I not bouncing off the walls?  

I don’t know, maybe like I said before, this is my way of saying this is it.  Maybe I just can’t handle more.  Grayson and Claire are both at very hard ages and I already feel like a failure as a parent.  I get mad so easily, and no matter how much I REALLY, REALLY want Chris and I to be super calm parents who do and say all the right things, we just aren’t.  I make so many mistakes daily and regret it.  I just don’t know if I’m ready to fail at parenting again with another person. 

Come to think of it, that’s my life in general.  I’m in a really weird spot.  I’ve moved around several times in the last 8 years and it has taken a toll on me.  I feel like my fun, bouncy personality and been taken over by literally the most boring person in the world.  Losing Austin and constantly being pregnant has probably taken a huge part in that as well.  I am in such a neutral place right now in life.  I have no desires, no aspirations.  I’d rather sleep.  Although the Gospel is a huge part of my life and I absolutely love it, I have no desire to move forward by doing things like reading my scriptures or going to church every Sunday.  I feel just so lost in life right now!!  I’m sure living back at home doesn’t help.  I just am worried about bringing a child into this mess.  I don’t know why I can’t overcome this!  I really want to be happy with who I am and I want to be more excited for this sweet child to become a part of our family.  I just need to figure out how to overcome me.

Anyway, I just wanted to write my thoughts down somewhere so….

Current anxieties-

1- health of baby

2. Baby personality 

3. Not giving my other kids enough attention once baby comes

4. My parenting in general

5. Baby in my parents home

6. Breastfeeding (mastitis)

I'm just feeling QUITE ready for this change!!!