depression

I can’t believe that on my wedding I lost the tape of Lily’s birth. I just can’t myself get over it. That was the most important tape I ever owned… far more important that any video of my childhood. I can’t stand myself for losing such an important part of Lily, Chris, and my life. I mean Lily is so olds now and can do so much, and the only thing I have are pictures that don’t do it justice. I would give up every memory of my childhood for all of hers. I just can’t stand myself right now. Regardless of all the crap that happened during that time, there was just too much to love. I could just scream right now! Now I think I lost the one of Chris saying goodbye to us when he was going off to basic. If I haven’t lost it I think it might be destroyed. Am I not supposed to remember her time as an infant? She’s turning one in about a month and I don’t have a single video of her. I am so depressed I can’t stand it and Chris in FTX so I can’t see, speak, or write to him for 10 days. I need him so much right now. I want to somehow come across those videos and have them all back. All those memories. The videos with me Pregnant. I Love Lily so much .