Saturday, April 28, 2012
Sometimes when you go through something as horrible as the loss of your son, after awhile you start taking the emotion out of the situation. You start being able to talk about it as if it didn't happen to you, like you're talking about someone else. I feel like I have come to some sort of peace about Austin. But tonight there is no peace. I can just see him there sleeping with those fingers and that blanket. His smell. I loved his smell. I remember when he'd sleep with me, I'd catch myself sniffing him. He smelled like hospitals and laundry detergent. Weird, I know but I loved it. I miss his silly faces and his dance moves. I miss his love and devotion to his sister. I love how when she's get into trouble he's go sit with her in time-out. This is so selfish, but I love how much he loved me. He saw past all my weaknesses, my bad parenting, my depression, he just loved me unconditionally. And he never ever complained. I know I could have given him a better life, and I know that regardless he was satisfied. I just want to be the person he wants me to be. I want to make him proud, and above all I want to be sealed to him forever. I'm just rambling, this whole post probably make no sense! My head hurts.