Now that Chris and I will be together in Georgia tomorrow, things are starting to become real. We are really doing all this. Leaving our home in Belgium, starting over in Georgia, having this new child in our lives…it’s crazy! How everything with him turns out is still a mystery… a really scary one. I don’t know how I’m going to handle the outcome and I really, really hope I’m ready for whatever it may be. We are going to be facing all these new challenges. Starting over is a very hard things to do. Money is also an issue we have to deal with. Just everything is adding up so fast. It’s all happening while my emotions aren’t at their most stable point. I’m just questioning if I’m really ready for all of this. Not that I can change any of it. I guess I’ll be ready, because I’ll have to be. Plus it’s nice to know that I don’t have to do this alone. This post probably makes no sense, but I’m just trying to get all my frustrations out. I just wish I were stronger… someone who could take all these balls thrown at me and just juggle… a part of me feels like all the balls are going to fall and I’m going to fail. I mean I’m about to have a husband and two kids counting on me. I need to be strong for them. I know people feel uncomfortable about me talking about Austin’s heart and everything… because it’s hard to know what to say or what to do, but it’s a big deal and sometimes I need to talk. I mean he’s moving in me right now… just getting comfortable. He’s right under my ribs pushing… moving… living! He doesn’t even know what’s he’s about to be handed. He’s so innocent to any reality. My baby boy! I mean I know there’s a good chance that he’ll survive. But what if… I don’t even want to go there. He’s going to be okay. He’s going to happy. I just don’t know why it had to be him. He’s so perfect… he did nothing. He’s my son. Someone told me that if he stays at the hospital overnight after I get released that I’ll probably have to go home at night. What if I go home one night and then he goes? What then? I can’t leave my baby! Not even for one night. I just want to hold him until he’s okay. He just has to be okay. The ultrasounds have to be wrong. This shouldn’t have happened to him. My precious little baby. I don’t know what he’s going to look like, but I do know his name. I don’t know his personality, but I do know what it feels like when he moves. I know that he deserves more. I just see Lily smile and it hurts me that I might not get to see that same smile from Austin. I should just be happy that I have one baby who’s healthy and happy… but Austin is now apart of me. He’s not just a baby now. Austin is now apart of us. I know Lily can even feel his presence in our lives. That’s why she’s so fascinated with my stomach. And now for that to just all go away can’t happen! I won’t let it! I want to guard him so badly from this heart problem. But I’m useless. It’s not in my hands. Okay I’m done… I can’t type anymore. He’ll be fine and that’s that.