Tuesday, November 15, 2011

"woe is me"

Today has been awful, one of the worst in a couple months. I can't seem to shake it! Today was the first official day of absolutely no medicine. So last night I was up most of the night because all my dreams were vivid , very real, and horrible. Then when I was up I was just completely dizzy. It's like spinning around and around, but when you stop the dizziness doesn't go away... at all. It's the most awful feeling. Another perk of going off my medicine AND being pregnant my emotions are on egg shells. Seriously today was a crying marathon... I could not stop bawling. I hate being a downer so I probably wrote a 1000 "woe is me" statuses on facebook, but deleted them a few minutes later. Then on top of everything, today was a bad day. It would have been a bad day if I were completely stable.

Here's my post from this afternoon... I wrote it in a bad moment and so I deleted it, but it sums up my day. But I was overreacting and I want to go ahead a first say that my mom has been wonderful and I should not complain at all about her, she's been my rock through all of this.

"AAAAAAAH!!! Nobody understands what I'm going through and I just want to shake them all and tell them understand! I'm so so so so emotional right now I just want to SCREAM! Im dizzy, I'm hot, my stomach is in knots, my kids are either crying because they need something or doing something else wrong, I just can't it right now any of it!

My mom and dad don't understand at all. I just want to go home right now. I can't handle this I need my husband here.

Gray is SCREAMING because he needs his diaper changed and I can't find a single wipe, my mom is gone and has no phone, I can't find my keys anywhere... I just can't handle this!!! I'm just SO dizzy! I spend every night is deep vivid nightmares, I can't seem to fix anything. Grayson hates napping, and playing alone, and if he's out playing he's being destructive which my dad can't handle, my mom is always busy on her projects and so she can't help me either (but she does when she can), and they won't allow to to just let them cry.

I have no idea what to do I'm so stressed out.

I hate my medication, I hate going off of it, I hate the emotions of pregnancy, and I HATE that nobody in the world knows what this feels like!

I NEED to go home. I wish so badly I had a home to go to."

Then I got on facebook and saw my aunts post about losing her dad 25 years ago... I don't want to ever write a post like that. I don't want 25 years to go by without him here. I hate it so much not having my son and I know that I'm strong and I'm just having a moment, but he was my baby... my boy! I just can't imagine 25 years + without his sweet laugh.

And THEN I read about some lady complaining about birthday shopping and it reminded me that I should be birthday shopping right now. My baby is turning 3 next week. I don't want Thanksgiving or family, I want to be home with Chris and the kids eating grilled cheese and laying in my comfy blanket with all 3 almost 4 kids laying in bed with me and jumping on Chris.

How did I get here? When did things get so wrong??

I want my family.

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