dream.

On Grandma’s 80^th birthday we went over to her house in the morning for breakfast and since I’m not a morning person I took a nap with Grayson soon after I ate. During the nap I had a dream. A nightmare! I can’t remember most of it, but Austin had dies, so I had to relive that horror and because I was so busy mourning Austin, I had forgotten to feed Grayson and then he died too. It was awful. Horrible. I woke up in tears. It set the mood for the rest of the day. I fell apart and bawled. I feel bad that I did that during Grandmas party, but it just hit me. My aunt Eve who had lost her daughter Holly a few years back decided to take me on a walk. We shared thoughts, stories, theories, and lots and lots of tears. We talked about how nobody could understand the pain, the depth of loss you feel. How people feel bad for a moment and then go on with their lives while you’re stuck in quicksand and still have to find a way to keep moving forward. The pain is just so deep, he was my baby! He was only 2 ½! We also talked about how this experience is just a reminder and motivation to get on the right track in life. I don’t do anything now that I wouldn’t want him to see. I know I should have always thought that about Jesus, but Austin was my baby and I was his example. Now that he’s gone, I just want to show him that I’m a good person. I don’t know. I just love him and I want him to be proud of me. Anyway our talk was long and very helpful. She is an amazing aunt and I love her so much. It was a hard day, but if anything the dream has made me more motherly to the children I do have here with me. I can hold and love them. And I’m so grateful that I have them to motivate me and help me move on. I couldn’t imagine going through this without them. I really do think that Grayson was sent to us to help heal us. He is the happiest child I’ve ever met. He seriously has a permanent smile on his face at all times and loves everyone! Plus I got pregnant with him while on birth control! I don’t know, I just feel like he’s supposed to be here now. Also one of the hardest things is going from 3 kids to 2. There's just such a hole there. Not just Austin, but having three kids. I just feel so empty at times. I don’t know… I’m just rambling.