Saturday, May 14, 2011

dream.

On Grandma’s 80th birthday we went over to her house in the morning for breakfast and since I’m not a morning person I took a nap with Grayson soon after I ate. During the nap I had a dream. A nightmare! I can’t remember most of it, but Austin had dies, so I had to relive that horror and because I was so busy mourning Austin, I had forgotten to feed Grayson and then he died too. It was awful. Horrible. I woke up in tears. It set the mood for the rest of the day. I fell apart and bawled. I feel bad that I did that during Grandmas party, but it just hit me. My aunt Eve who had lost her daughter Holly a few years back decided to take me on a walk. We shared thoughts, stories, theories, and lots and lots of tears. We talked about how nobody could understand the pain, the depth of loss you feel. How people feel bad for a moment and then go on with their lives while you’re stuck in quicksand and still have to find a way to keep moving forward. The pain is just so deep, he was my baby! He was only 2 ½! We also talked about how this experience is just a reminder and motivation to get on the right track in life. I don’t do anything now that I wouldn’t want him to see. I know I should have always thought that about Jesus, but Austin was my baby and I was his example. Now that he’s gone, I just want to show him that I’m a good person. I don’t know. I just love him and I want him to be proud of me. Anyway our talk was long and very helpful. She is an amazing aunt and I love her so much. It was a hard day, but if anything the dream has made me more motherly to the children I do have here with me. I can hold and love them. And I’m so grateful that I have them to motivate me and help me move on. I couldn’t imagine going through this without them. I really do think that Grayson was sent to us to help heal us. He is the happiest child I’ve ever met. He seriously has a permanent smile on his face at all times and loves everyone! Plus I got pregnant with him while on birth control! I don’t know, I just feel like he’s supposed to be here now. Also one of the hardest things is going from 3 kids to 2. There's just such a hole there. Not just Austin, but having three kids. I just feel so empty at times. I don’t know… I’m just rambling.

2 comments:

Tonya Williams said...

Amy, thank God you're blogging! I'm so glad you're getting your thoughts out! You know, I've never thought about it but you are right when you say that your hurt is forever and people hurt for you but it truly isn't near the same! Stay strong friend and keep blogging!

The Lyons' said...

oh this made me cry. I don't know you but good lord are you strong! You're right about how people feel sorry for you for a moment and then move on but really ever since your son has died i keep up with your post just to see how you are doing, wife to wife.. i have no children in my life yet so i cannot relate that way but i pray to god I am half the mom you are to my children, your strength and love is very commendable. My heart aches for you. <3