Last night I had another dream. A horrible one. It’s funny how all my emotions are relived and exaggerated in my dreams. In this one Lily was sick. But she was Austin. I have yet to see Austin in a dream. So Lily had a heart problem and as she was about to die, I was doing everything I could to save her. People told me to just let go. They were so mean, but I didn’t say anything. Then when she passed and I told people what songs I wanted, everyone thought I was stupid and showed me these horrible, inappropriate songs and told me they were better. I was even madder but still didn’t say anything. Then I found this app on my phone where you could change someone hair, eye color, body, heart, etc. and I had to try. So I pretended like I was just going to change her eye color, because I knew people wouldn’t understand. So we decided to go to some memorial for her and it was awful. People were so awful! They were singing and dancing. It was comparable to a circus. I was so angry. So I got up to the stage, went to the microphone and told them off. I was so upset. But instead of listening they turned off my microphone and got mad at me. So I went to the other microphone at the middle of the stage and yelled again. I was so angry, but they wouldn’t listen. They just got upset that I was not behaving correctly and made me leave. So then I decided to get up and apologize. As I was leaving someone found my phone and saw that I was trying to fix her heart and once again they were against me. They were so mean. They told me I wasn’t behaving right and that I just needed to let go already. When I woke up I was so angry. Who were they to tell me how a mother should react to losing a child? NOBODY knows what its like and can’t say a thing about how someone chooses to react and how long it takes for them to “heal”. I'm just so angry! People have told me numerous times since I’ve been here how well I’m doing and how they’re proud of me and impressed how I’ve taken all of this. What does that even mean?? Am I not supposed to not be like this? Am I not allowed to be hysterical? Have you ever lost your CHILD? Ugh! I might hold things in, but I am not okay. And you shouldn’t expect me to be. And if I want to fill my house up with pictures of Austin, I will. And if I want to try to fix his heart, I will. And if I blame myself for some things, I am allowed. And if I want to make a scene, I feel like I deserve it. And if I’m still having a hard time in 10 years from now, it’s more than okay. I can be as emotional or as numb as I want to be. Until you go through it, don’t think you can say anything to the contrary. Even if you’ve dealt with death, losing you kid and being the kids mother would, in my opinion, be the worst of all deaths. And that is all I’m going to say about that.