Sunday, May 15, 2011

another dream.

Last night I had another dream. A horrible one. It’s funny how all my emotions are relived and exaggerated in my dreams. In this one Lily was sick. But she was Austin. I have yet to see Austin in a dream. So Lily had a heart problem and as she was about to die, I was doing everything I could to save her. People told me to just let go. They were so mean, but I didn’t say anything. Then when she passed and I told people what songs I wanted, everyone thought I was stupid and showed me these horrible, inappropriate songs and told me they were better. I was even madder but still didn’t say anything. Then I found this app on my phone where you could change someone hair, eye color, body, heart, etc. and I had to try. So I pretended like I was just going to change her eye color, because I knew people wouldn’t understand. So we decided to go to some memorial for her and it was awful. People were so awful! They were singing and dancing. It was comparable to a circus. I was so angry. So I got up to the stage, went to the microphone and told them off. I was so upset. But instead of listening they turned off my microphone and got mad at me. So I went to the other microphone at the middle of the stage and yelled again. I was so angry, but they wouldn’t listen. They just got upset that I was not behaving correctly and made me leave. So then I decided to get up and apologize. As I was leaving someone found my phone and saw that I was trying to fix her heart and once again they were against me. They were so mean. They told me I wasn’t behaving right and that I just needed to let go already. When I woke up I was so angry. Who were they to tell me how a mother should react to losing a child? NOBODY knows what its like and can’t say a thing about how someone chooses to react and how long it takes for them to “heal”. I'm just so angry! People have told me numerous times since I’ve been here how well I’m doing and how they’re proud of me and impressed how I’ve taken all of this. What does that even mean?? Am I not supposed to not be like this? Am I not allowed to be hysterical? Have you ever lost your CHILD? Ugh! I might hold things in, but I am not okay. And you shouldn’t expect me to be. And if I want to fill my house up with pictures of Austin, I will. And if I want to try to fix his heart, I will. And if I blame myself for some things, I am allowed. And if I want to make a scene, I feel like I deserve it. And if I’m still having a hard time in 10 years from now, it’s more than okay. I can be as emotional or as numb as I want to be. Until you go through it, don’t think you can say anything to the contrary. Even if you’ve dealt with death, losing you kid and being the kids mother would, in my opinion, be the worst of all deaths. And that is all I’m going to say about that.

5 comments:

Alli said...

Don't let anyone make you think you can't feel your feelings. You can grieve as long as you need to and in any way you need to. There is no right or wrong way to deal with the terrible pain of losing a child. Scream, cry, break things, cuddle his blanket, hold your little ones and just breathe them in...whatever you need to do, do it. I think that the worst thing you can do in situations like this is deny yourself the process you need to go through.
While Austin is your child forever, he is not physically with you anymore in this mortal life. You are totally allowed to make picture collages of him for your home, keep his memory alive in your home and hearts in any way you feel good about. He's your baby, Amy, you're not supposed to just forget about him and move on.
So, you can tell those people in your dreams and in real life who downplay your pain or scoff at your grieving process that you have the support of heaven and those on earth who love you--any way you need to grieve, any time you need to, as long as you need to.

Dena said...

Sorry your having the bad dreams. One of the reasons I hate to sleep. And the main reason I stopped sleeping a few years back. No one can tell you how to feel what to do how to react. You do what you need to do. Dreams are just dreams they are not real. I know it feels real at the time. Love you Amy!

Suzzie V said...

Hi Amy. I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. I have always admired you as a mother, looked up to you as they type of mom I want to be someday. I have no doubt Austin knows that he is loved and missed. Your love for your family is so evident in all that you do and say. I can't even begin to imagine the paid you are feeling right now. If you ever want a get away to Provo, just let me know. Our apartment is small, but there is always room for you. Love you Amy!

nikki said...

Amy I could never claim to know how you feel, the rest of us can only grieve with you. You are allowed to feel, to be numb when you need to, and even to laugh... I know you think you will never be normal again and you are right in the sense you will never be the same. Austin has touched us all in different ways but yours and chris's hearts are the one's who bare the burden. All I can say as a sister is we love you guys and lend an understanding ear. As a nurse I will say I've watched many families lose someone, not as young as Austin but teenagers... I've seen the wedge be placed between the mother and father, I've seen the mother be swallowed up whole in her grief that everyone else doesn't exist, and I've seen families come together and heal. I know it seems impossible right now but please find yourself and don't let yourself drown in your grief. Austin needs to know his happy family is just that happy and you guys need each other more than ever right now. So accept each others pain and how it presents and hold each other tight. We love you all....

nikki said...

And everyone shouldn't be expecting you to be ok. This is a process that will take time. Just don't let it "become" who you are because then we would all lose you too...