Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The hole in my heart.

The day Austin died was the worst day of my life. I didn’t believe it until he was laying in my arms blue and cold. I kept thinking back to blessing he and I had received throughout his life. Things like he would heal according to my faith, that he would heal, that he would marry a woman of his choice, and that I’d let him develop his talents in music. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he would be healed… and still on this earth; alive. One of his very last blessings came from a bishop in Colorado Springs who said that the lord’s power would burst through every inch of his body and he would be healed. So I believed it… with every fiber of my being. I haven’t always been very religious, but I have always had faith. I knew I had enough faith to save him.

When the doctors told me that he was having constant seizures and that his brain was mush and told us that Life Support at this point was pointless, I still had enough faith to move a mountain. There was no doubt that he was coming home with me. He would have his miracle. I put my hands on him, and told God to heal him, that it was time. He would heal and I would have a lot of doctors and nurses getting baptized. I know that God has to live the laws of nature, but I also know that Jesus could heal the blind by touching them. And Austin would be touched. I was so positive that I told them that going off child support was fine… he’d be fine anyway. But when he turned blue and cold, I wept.

There were two days where I was hysterical in tears. I could hardly move. Everything reminded me of something about him, or regret was always ready to move in. I knew he was healed, just as I was told. I knew that he would have had many surgeries in his life and spent way too much of his life in the hospital, but I was looking for a different type of healing… a miracle. I was devastated. He was my best friend. My baby. He was a mommas boy and I couldn’t get enough of him. He had a sweet spirit and loved everyone. He never complained and always snuggled with you like a baby, even at 2 ½! He was Lily’s bestfriend.

Anyway after those two days, I went to Utah and went numb. I could not cry or feel or anything. It was awful. The only thing worse than crying, is not being able to cry. I started to second guess my love for him. Was he so unimportant that I was already over him? Was I really that dead inside? Even people who didn’t know him cried for him, and I could force out a single tear. I started stressing over it, and started to force the feelings. I watched videos of Austin, I looked at pictures, I thought of fond memories… nothing. I was numb.

Then Austin arrived in Utah and I went to see him. When I walked into the room his hair was parted in the middle and sleeked back. It wasn’t him. I bawled. Why did they make him look like that? Austin’s hair was always wild. After that I could get emotional again. I think it’s like your body’s way of protecting itself. Or possibly it was just me stressing over it. Like when you go to the doctor and need to pee, but then you sit in the restroom trying to pee in a cup for hours… stress is a very powerful thing!

Anyway I love him so much more than words can describe. I know he’s healed, happy, and extremely special, but I’m selfish and I miss him dearly. I would love to snuggle with him, or see him do his silly faces, or any of the fun things he does. He was the sweetest boy on earth. It didn’t matter who you were, he loved you. He never cried, he was soft spoken, and he was happy. He loved to dance, eat, and play with Lily. He was an angel. I breakdown at the thought of him constantly. I’m just so grateful that he got to die in his loving mother’s arms and in no pain. I’m grateful that I got to be his mom and that he knew how much I loved him. That’s one thing I don’t regret at all. I always let him know how much I loved him and he knew. I adored that little boy so much. He was my baby. He was always going to be my baby. I just miss him.


Sarah Harward said...

You don't know me, but I was roommates with Emily and Jessica one year at BYU-I. I saw on their facebook pages what was happening with your sweet little guy, and my heart BREAKS for you! I have four kiddos and one of them is 2 1/2 year old little guy as well. I can not imagine such heartache, and will pray for you and your cute family. It's amazing what a mother-heart can endure. Such intense love and such unimaginable sorrow. I had another friend lose her 20 month old son just 4 months ago and she has started an amazing blog. If you think it will help at all, it's http://sunshinepromises.blogspot.com/
Much love!

Kristen McD said...

I'm sorry. We don't know each other. I know your sister Natalie through Katie Putnam, and I've checked your blog periodically over the years. Anyway. You're in my thoughts often. I'm so sorry Austin's time here was so short, and it brings tears to my eyes when you say you miss him... I can only imagine. Again. Anyway. Thinking about you guys.

Tonya Williams said...

Never EVER feel guilty for missing him, kid!

Donita sims said...

the flesh is weak, but your faith is strong! i'm so sorry for your pain. we love you and have faith in you