So here’s the thing… after you lose someone as involved with your life and as loved as Austin you just have to take it day by day. One day I’ll be fine, the next I’ll be a wreck. Sometimes I’ll love everyone and others my heart will be filled with hate. Today was a good day. I went to church with my mom. After losing Austin I have really come unto Christ. I’m not as hardcore as I’d like to be, but I’m working towards a better life. It has really helped me deal with Austin’s loss. It’s funny, when he was alive I was his example and now he’s mine. (side note, this is when I become super emotion, sorry in advance) Sometimes I’m so so so angry. With the hospital that sent me a letter that I’m guessing they send out to all of the families that come through there. It basically said that they hope we had a wonderful experience at their hospital and hope we come again. I think if they lose a kid they should be careful what they choose to send out. Just saying. I also think that if you fail at your surgery, they shouldn’t be able to charge us. It’s like we’re paying them for killing him. UGH! I know, I know it’s not their fault. And I do not blame them, I just can’t understand things. I mean I brought Austin there to be healed. I had no doubt in my mind that we would leave there with Austin. I didn’t know how healed he would be, but I knew he was coming home. I feel so cheated. So cheated. He could still be here today if we hadn’t taken him there. And when the surgeon open him up and saw that it was going to be more challenging than he thought, he should have CLOSED him. Do not experiment on my son. I just want to go back. I wish I had waiting more years and maybe by then there would be more advances in heart surgery. How is it possible that I just took my poor, innocent little boy to get “fixed” and then they broke him even more? I want to see him so much. I want to feel his chest move as he breaths. I know there is no one to blame and it was just his time, but why? Why my boy? We needed his sweet spirit in our home.
1 comment:
Hi Amy,
I don't know if you remember me but I remember coming to your house when you were little and hanging out with your sister Emily. Anyways, I don't know how it feels to lose a child but I know it must be heartbreaking. I am so happy you have found opportunities for growth from this experience because that is really what life is all about, and of course you WILL see Austin again. I am sure he is still a part of your family as a guardian angel. I have a friend who lost her daughter (she choked on an apple coming home from church and it got stuck in her lungs and she died) when her daughter was 2 and it was really hard on her. She said some of the same things I hear you saying on your blog about not feeling she would ever be the same again and always having a hole in her heart. As she turned to the gospel I think that hole has started to be filled. If you are interested her blog is www.agoodgrief.com/blog. You can also find it on facebook. I wish you the best, you have a great family and I know that Heavenly Father will guide you through, strengthen and comfort you in your time of need.
Sincerely
Rozzy
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