Day 4

All my sisters, besides Jessica, came out to New york for Christmas this year.  Today Olivia leaves and she's the last to go. :(  I love Christmas and family.  I wish they could have all stayed longer.  Today we're eating good foods and playing fun games for the last time and then my Christmas season is officially over. :(

Day 3

Oranges have been the biggest part of the season!  I'm addicted!  We made orange rolls, orange Julius's, clementines, orange juice mixed with sprite, everything!!  It's my favorite fruit... and Lily's favorite color!  I painted her nails this morning. :)

Also yesterday at CVS, Lily stuffed her pockets with nail polishes and candy.  It was her first time stealing.  I made her apologize and put it all away.  We had a long talk on the car ride home and she promised to never do it again so when we got home she got a three minute time-out and that's it.  I'm glad she understands that it's wrong to take things without buying or asking for them.  I hope she really won't do it again.

Now for olivia to make orange Julius's for breakfast! ;)

Day 2

One of our favorite treats!

My Dad's famous green chili's and cheese broiled on corn tortillas topped with eggs!

YUM!!

Day 1

Even though Austin isn't in this picture, he is very much still apart of 2012.
Happy New Year

New Years.

Here are my resolutions for 2012.

• Read the Book of Mormon and FINISH it!
• Get completely active in church.
• Get up and go to bed at the good time.
• Get Lily school ready.
• Be more productive and set and keep a schedule for me and the kids.
• Save, save, save!
• Be a better wife.
• Keep up with my 365 blog.

Ultrasounds

So when I lived in Belgium, the whole pregnancy process was different. Every apt you got an ultrasound, and then around 23 weeks, they give you a 3D ultrasound to do a full exam. Here they do three and that it, and no 3D.

This makes me mad. Very mad. Mad enough to try to change it, but how?? They examined Austin's heart in every apt but never noticed his heart problem until the 3D one. I mean I see SO many babies die at birth of the same thing Austin had, and he lived till he was almost 3. We did so many things that I think made a huge difference. I am just so mad, that my baby has a higher chance of having a heart defect, yet they aren't planning on doing anything about it. I am mad.

ugh

I hate baby names.

Let's begin.

I am a believer. I always have been. I believed in Santa until I was in 5th or 6th grade and my parents had to sit me down and tell me. And for a long time after that, I still believed and had just thought my parents had lost their belief, like all adults do in movies.

So when my mom tells me a sacred, spiritual experience, there is no doubt in my mind that it's true. whether it is or not doesn't concern me... I believe. Or when people bear their testimony of the gospel... I doubt nothing.

Well here's the thing, Santa isn't real.

So as much and I want my belief to be enough, it's not. So today I'm beginning my road to knowing.

I believe in faith, but when you're presented a way to KNOW if the gospel is true, I think it's something worth doing.

So I'm going to read the whole Book of Mormon. And then pray.

"Years ago my great-great-grandfather picked up a copy of the Book of Mormon for the first time. He opened it to the center and read a few pages. He then declared,“That book was either written by God or the devil, and I am going to find out who wrote it.”
^ ditto, I plan to find out as well. :)

I know I've started before, but this time I'm determined to get through it, and pray while it's fresh on my mind. I'll let yall know!

:(

I know this is stupid to be upset about, but I'm really sad that I never got to attend any of my sister's weddings, and now I won't even get to attend my little sisters.

Still apart, but always together.

Can I just say that I love my husband and how much our relationship is growing? People who just give up on marriage after a year or two, shame on y'all. We're all human, we're always growing and adapting. Chris and I might have had a rough start and i'm not going to lie, I've looked up divorce online once or twice, but i'm so glad that I have a family that believes in marriage and believes in what Chris and I have.

I mean 5 years ago, Chris and I were crazy teenagers. We didn't have a long-term thought in our heads. But now look at us! We are both changing so much for the better... in such different ways!

Obviously, I've embraced a more religious lifestyle. And when I committed, I COMMITTED. I don't party on Saturday and then go to Church on Sunday. No, every aspect of my life is different. I pray every night, morning, and throughout the day. I read every self-help religious book I can get my hand on, I don't party at all. I don't even drink the occasional glass of wine or say even the more innocent of cuss words. I am not perfect, but I try everyday a little harder to be a little better. I'm sure that all God really wants us to do. Anyway back to Chris and I. Becoming religious again has made me want to be a better wife and mother. It has made me look at sex a completely different way. It has changed my priorities to "family first". It has made me want to grow as a person in every possible way.

Chris, on the other side, is changing in a completely none religious way, but just as good in my eyes. He's just growing into a man. He also is all about family. I've loved how much he's been calling his family and trying to be apart of their lives. I love that when we talk, It's SO much deeper than it used to be. He wants to make the kids and I happy. He is SO committed to our family, and so committed to me. He is supportive in everything I do, from buying THOUSANDS of dollars worth of photography equipment, to helping me go to church every week, all the way to watching the kids whenever I go through my "going out everyday" phases. He's always been one to say yes, and do to everything in his power to make us happy.

When I go through my depression, he completely takes over the household. He goes to work all morning, then comes home, feeds the family, cleans the house, and then relaxes with the kids and let's me be alone. I appreciate this so much, but I don't want to do this to him ever again. He should get to come home from a stressful day of work, eat a meal made my me, and relax with the family. He's not the mom and dad and he shouldn't have to pretend he is. When he gets home, things will be different, and I'm trying to get myself prepared for that. I don't need to only better myself spiritually, I need to better myself COMPLETELY.

I'm just so grateful. I don't know why I am so blessed in this life, but I am. I have it all. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, a family that supports me, my own wonderful family that I don't deserve, I grew up in the gospel, I'm comfortable financially, I get to travel often, I forgive easily, I go on vacations regularly, I grew up in a good home and in a good area. I am educated and talented. I get to see my son again and I get to have him as motivation... to get back to him. My kids have the most amazing spirits, and my husband has my heart. Seriously, I can't imagine a happier life (and it's just getting better). I believe I can beat this depression. I can be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I want to be.

Chris and I are bother changing for the better... together.

Austin's Birthday.

Thanksgiving in Michigan. It was a hectic week for sure, but the best part was Austin's birthday. I loved being surrounded by people who believe in the same gospel as me. It was SUCH a comfort to go from crying to laughing about what things will be like when I see him again. There is SO much comfort in religion. I don't think you should just have religion for comfort, but it sure does help when you're feeling down.

I also felt a lot of love for Emma Smith that day.
I couldn't imagine how much she loss. My loss was nothing compared to hers yet her faith stayed strong and she kept going.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

I really enjoyed this video on his birthday.

Birthday

So Austin's birthday is on Thanksgiving Day this year... this is the first birthday without him. Since he's turning three, one of the things we're doing it a balloon release. We are each letting go of three balloons this year. Anyone who wants to do that as well is more than welcome.

I didn't want his funeral to be depressing, I wanted to celebrate his life instead so we did a birthday party theme (it was beautiful), we had a banner with his name, TONS of balloons, and tried our best to keep it a joyous day to celebrate him instead a depressing day. We talked about how fun he was, we sang our own version of Black Bird (Red Bird), and tried to keep it uplifting. At the cemetery we did a HUGE balloon release with over a 1000 balloons and it was a beautiful and surprisingly peaceful moment. I want to keep that same mentality for his birthdays too.

Heaven is For Real

I read this book and LOVED it. I bawled through the whole hospital portion of the book... it hit way too close to home for me. I relived everything from just reading. It was really difficult.
Overall I was skeptical throughout the book, but enjoyed the story and message.
I recommend you read it too.

The after reading is what has me all upset. I decided to go read reviews on the book and I can't believe how HARD people are! I mean, yeah a lot of it sounds crazy and might not be true, but for them to just disregard it like it's a book that came straight from Satan. My mom always says that a church is a lot like a hospital. It's there for people to go get spiritually healed. It's not there for perfect people to remain perfect so when you go to church you can't look at the people and decide that you do and don't like that church, because people are human and we all disappoint. We need church to help us through the next week. So don't judge the guy who comes to church with a hangover... atleast he's there; trying! So I'm REALLY trying to remember that right now, because I'm just so upset with Christians in general... including LDS. How can you see one thing you don't like and just completely close her mind/heart to it. And then turn around and do missionary work and expect others to just humble themselves.

I'm annoyed.

Humbled

It's funny how people turn to God during hard times in their lives. During everything with Austin, I can't really say I did that (except for the very end). This is going to sound ridiculous, but I really feel like God sought me out. I really had no interest in him and definitely didn't turn to him very much during everything that went on. But I had a lot of spiritual experiences happen to me in a very timely matter, little did I know I was slowly humbling my heart to it and now I'm trying so hard to get back to him. And to find out his will for me.

Regardless he was always there for me and he must have known that I'd need him in my life now for him to seek me out like he did.

I just hope others can have their own humbling experiences.

Another one??

Before I announce each pregnancy I get so much anxiety about people's reactions. I think it's just a habit I've formed from the many bad choices I've made. From getting married at age 18 AFTER having a baby to having almost 4 before I'm 24 (haters are gonna hate). I don't know I always feel like I need to act like it was an accident every time I announce. But none of my kids are accidents... they might have not been planned... at all, but they have all come into our home and brightened it up with a new love we never knew was even missing!

I love being a mom. I love making a family with Chris. I know we are good parents and we have good wholesome family values (after a few rocky years). If we could afford it, I wouldn't mind having 10 more kids with Chris! Well maybe 2 or 3 more lol. But still! It's a beautiful thing being a parent and should not be taken lightly... and for me it's a welcomed responsibly. These kids will grow up and have families of their own and so will their kids... think of the family reunions!

I love my parents and I'm so so SO grateful they gave me my 4 sisters. Siblings are a blessing to be cherished and I want that for my kids. I want a great big family and crazy drama, and everything else that comes with a big family!

The happiness outweighs the difficulties...

So anyway I'm done feeling anxiety when I announce my next pregnancies, I am SO grateful to Heavenly Father that I even get to HAVE kids at all, and obviously he wants me to be a mom. I've learned that in many ways.

These children are gifts.
And I pray that you may one day get to have the gift of a family as well...
maybe even lucky enough to have a big family like Chris and me! :)

"woe is me"

Today has been awful, one of the worst in a couple months. I can't seem to shake it! Today was the first official day of absolutely no medicine. So last night I was up most of the night because all my dreams were vivid , very real, and horrible. Then when I was up I was just completely dizzy. It's like spinning around and around, but when you stop the dizziness doesn't go away... at all. It's the most awful feeling. Another perk of going off my medicine AND being pregnant my emotions are on egg shells. Seriously today was a crying marathon... I could not stop bawling. I hate being a downer so I probably wrote a 1000 "woe is me" statuses on facebook, but deleted them a few minutes later. Then on top of everything, today was a bad day. It would have been a bad day if I were completely stable.

Here's my post from this afternoon... I wrote it in a bad moment and so I deleted it, but it sums up my day. But I was overreacting and I want to go ahead a first say that my mom has been wonderful and I should not complain at all about her, she's been my rock through all of this.

"AAAAAAAH!!! Nobody understands what I'm going through and I just want to shake them all and tell them understand! I'm so so so so emotional right now I just want to SCREAM! Im dizzy, I'm hot, my stomach is in knots, my kids are either crying because they need something or doing something else wrong, I just can't it right now any of it!

My mom and dad don't understand at all. I just want to go home right now. I can't handle this I need my husband here.

Gray is SCREAMING because he needs his diaper changed and I can't find a single wipe, my mom is gone and has no phone, I can't find my keys anywhere... I just can't handle this!!! I'm just SO dizzy! I spend every night is deep vivid nightmares, I can't seem to fix anything. Grayson hates napping, and playing alone, and if he's out playing he's being destructive which my dad can't handle, my mom is always busy on her projects and so she can't help me either (but she does when she can), and they won't allow to to just let them cry.

I have no idea what to do I'm so stressed out.

I hate my medication, I hate going off of it, I hate the emotions of pregnancy, and I HATE that nobody in the world knows what this feels like!

I NEED to go home. I wish so badly I had a home to go to."

Then I got on facebook and saw my aunts post about losing her dad 25 years ago... I don't want to ever write a post like that. I don't want 25 years to go by without him here. I hate it so much not having my son and I know that I'm strong and I'm just having a moment, but he was my baby... my boy! I just can't imagine 25 years + without his sweet laugh.

And THEN I read about some lady complaining about birthday shopping and it reminded me that I should be birthday shopping right now. My baby is turning 3 next week. I don't want Thanksgiving or family, I want to be home with Chris and the kids eating grilled cheese and laying in my comfy blanket with all 3 almost 4 kids laying in bed with me and jumping on Chris.

How did I get here? When did things get so wrong??

I want my family.

Grateful for my Husband

So of course I'd love for Chris and me to be on the same page on everything, but that's not how life works. Chris isn't interested in the church and at first that really bothered me. It caused a lot of problems in our marriage. But now looking back I don't understand why. If he isn't interested that's perfectly fine. First off IF he ever decides to become religious in anyway I'd want it to be because he was humbled to it and had his own spiritual experiences, not because it's what I desire. Also we're in two different places in life and so it's not fair to assume we're on the same page. And most importantly, Chris has been nothing but supportive of me and my decision to change. He encourages me to go to church, even helped me wake up on Sunday mornings! He has even agreed to let me tithe our money! He's letting me just give money away to something he doesn't even have faith in! He supports me in every desire I have. I just wish I had never pressured him to become religious. If he's going to accept me then I should accept him. He IS my husband after all. And I love him! :)

Book Of Mormon

This is my goal. Read, Pray, Ask, Know.
“And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. ” (Moroni 10:4)

Anyone want to join me?

It's time for me to know for myself.
It'd be fun to have someone to "compare notes" with. :)

Change

I was just thinking and it occurred to me how much I've changed this year... Who would've known a year old that I'd be such a different person now. I always thought that letting God back into my life would be hard with so many temptations around me, but it's quite the opposite. I don't know if I'm just getting older or have completely had a change of heart but nothing I used to do appeals to me in the least. I am not tempted at all to be who I once was. I just want to stay in with my family every night and play games. I'd rather read the scriptures or a talk more than well anything... shopping! It's just so amazing how much I've changed and in all this hardness of my life how I still thank God for all my many blessings every single night.

Purpose.

So I know I've been really upset lately in my blog posts, getting off this medicine has made me a little insane lol, but I'm determined. I don't want to rely on medicine. My mom is right when she says that the brain is very powerful. I'm so much more fun, passionate, and real when I'm not on anything. I just want to be me.

Having said that, the purpose of this blog is not just to cry and be upset all the time. It's a record of my journey through this trial I'm in. This is also my journey to find a testimony of Heavenly Father and how he will help me in my healing process.

I want to be able to come back and read this in years to come to hopefully show my growth in life.

I also hope that maybe someone going through this might find this blog and find comfort in the fact that they're not alone.