Crazy.

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and due May 31st.

Grandma

I'm 23. Austin was only in my life for 2 1/2 years. That's nothing... at all. That's a minute in life. But those years meant the world to me. I just think of my grandma. She lost her son Valiant so many years ago. Probably in her 30's. She's now 80. She's had to go all those years without him. And not only that, but I have no idea who he is, nor do I have interest in him. I have never considered him a part of the family or one of my mom's brothers. He's just the brother who died.

That's going to be my sweet Austin.

Life will go on without him, and soon he'll just be my dead son. I already hate that people look at me like he was such a bad thing that happened to me. He was the most amazing little boy. His heart was huge and I knew that from day one. I wish more people knew him. He's not a burden, he was a blessing. It's just hard losing such a blessing. Family is everything. One day it won't hurt so bad, and maybe then people won't look at him as some kind of illness.

This whole post makes no sense.

My Blanket.

My mom, sister, and brother-in-law made me the most beautiful blanket for my birthday this year. It took them months to make it and a lot of hard work, but I just can't get myself to sleep with it. I'm so connected to this stupid blanket my grandma made me for my wedding. I've washed it a billion times, it's faded, and it's had holes on it; but it's MY blanket. I didn't realize how important it was to me until this trip to my moms. I got this blanket almost 5 years ago and it has been with me, comforting me through some crazy, rough years. It's been spit up on, pooped on, cried on, loved on... it's been through everything. My favorite "Family Time" is just when Chris, me, and all the kids got up on the bed just to play, snuggle, or watch a movie. I loved when all 5 of us would be snuggled up in bed together. Lily and Austin always would get on Chris's back as soon as he laid down, even if he has just laid down to rest right after work before taking off his uniform, they'd be on him in a second! I don't know. Just this blanket holds so many memories. Just the feel of it calms me sometimes. I love it so much.

Blog

So I hate being depressed on this blog. This is my Family blog and should not be all bad. So I moved some things over and I started one. But it's a very personal one. I get very depressed on it and share all my thought and feeling about Austin and everything. It will also get religious. So if you don't want anything to do with that, I'd stick to reading this blog lol.

I need a place to write; to share.
http://guidemetothee.blogspot.com/

Disconnected.

I am so disconnected with the world.
I hardly have my phone on me if it's even charged, I hardly check Facebook and when I do it's only to post a status and then get off, I never want to leave my house except to go to church, I've completely stopped talking to family and friends unless they're right next to me.

I'm just in a dark place.

I'm constantly dizzy. If I could sleep away my days, I would.
I don't enjoy smiling. I don't enjoy anything.

I want answers from God. I want to find him and have a testimony of him.

All my days run together and I despise Holidays.

I just need to get off this awful medicine so I can start living again... even a little.

Mess

I am such a mess these days.
I'm pregnant and emotional. Plus I'm trying to ween off my antidepressant which is making me constantly dizzy and tired. And to top it off having another child without Austin being here is breaking my heart.

I just want to lay in bed all the time wrapped up in my blanket.

I pray every night, but I still feel nothing but pain.
Why can't I get the answers and feelings I desire?

23rd birthday.

It's my birthday and I am so incredibly unhappy. I lost that contest, which is no big deal, but it's what I've been excited about for a couple months now. I'm one year older which just mean I'm one year closer to being passive about Austin's death. You know I just have something to say about that. I love my kids so much, I really do. But Lily is soooo attatched to my mom and Grayson is soooo attatched to Chris and I KNOW that if it came down to it they were pick them. Austin was my only baby who without a doubt would have picked me. I know that's dumb but it's true. I just feel so alone. And at the same time I want to be left alone. I don't want to see everyone and do everything. I want to just lay here with my kids (Lily,Austin, and Grayson). I'm just so lost. I don't know how I got here and I don't want to be here. Chris is gone and we have no home. I just feel so lost. I hate my life. I hate birthdays. I hate so much that Austin's not here. I just want to go back. I don't want to get older. I want to go back to last Christmas and freeze time. I want to savor those precious momemts when my whole family was together... when I was happy.

It's been a rough night. Breakdown after breakdown. I know there's a plan, but I just can't understand a plan where Austin doesn't get to grow up with his sister and brother. Lily and his were bestfriends and he was such an amazing brother to Grayson. And you know, Lily will get over him and Grayson will only hear of him. It breaks my heart into tiny little pieces everytime I think about his absence in our lives. You don't understand, I would give ANYTHING to get him back, to have my family back together. People talk about the plan of salvation and blah blah blah, but they have. n't lost the dearest part of their entire lives. He was my life. He is my life. I want him home. And I want him home healthy. I would give anything... my job, my friends... ESPECIALLY my friends. I cannot believe I spent so much time trying to have friends. All that precious, precious time wasted away. My priorities were so messed up. I would give anything to get that time back

Death

I just don’t understand death… especially of a child. Maybe if the parents were awful and God wanted to give the kid peace, but this is just unbearable. I’m not me anymore, a huge part of me is dead now. I just do the steps to survive, but it’s so difficult knowing that not that long ago Austin was here. I could touch him, laugh with him, he could wear the clothes I went through today. I don’t want to get over this, I want him back. What can I do to get him back??

i despise this stupid life.

I just don’t understand death… especially of a child. Maybe if the parents were awful and God wanted to give the kid peace, but this is just unbearable. I’m not me anymore, a huge part of me is dead now. I just do the steps to survive, but it’s so difficult knowing that not that long ago Austin was here. I could touch him, laugh with him, he could wear the clothes I went through today. I don’t want to get over this, I want him back. What can I do to get him back??

Studio

Just showing my sister all my new equipment.
My studio is mostly for individuals or small families, i don't have a ton of room yet... that why these pics are so squeezed.

DISCOURAGED

^^See I'm not bad.^^

I'm so discouraged. Everyday is so full of pain. I keep thinking I should get blessings, but my mom read a talk tome that basically said getting blessings more than once can actually be a lack of faith. So I've turned photography into my coping mechanism. I finally started my business. But here's the thing... nobody wants them. I know people who have two bookings a day, I've had two ever and I gave them for free. I mean I know I'm good. And I only charge $80, plus a free cd. I mean that's less than walmart! And my pictures are soooo much better. I mean should I lower my prices?? I just feel stuck, and the only way to go on is to keep busy doing something I love. But EVERY photographer is getting work and I'm not.

I just NEED to occupy my mind so I'm not just crying all the time! ugh!

Taken at 2 am with just umberellas!

Fun day!

Today was really fun. I went to a playdate with some of the ladies in my ward. They are all so much fun and I'm glad I've made some friends at church. They're all easy to talk to and Lily seemed to enjoy her new friends. A lot of them are actually in her church class so that's nice. Then we went home, because my mom had to go back to NY... or so we thought. She ended up missing her flight. Thank goodness! One more day with mom here is a blessing. Lily and her made homemade rice krispy treats for us YUM! And then I got my computer ready for my photography business. So I organized everything into years and then months. And then i even started editing a few pictures. And then I went to bed. I read a couple chapters on 2nd Nephi and now I'm blogging about my day. :)

I still can tell you enough how much Austin has inspired me to... LIVE! I miss him with all of my heart and would love to have some sacred experience where I would see him and see all the good that he's doing. You know, just an update.

Anyway (not anyways, I learned that today!), goodnight! :)

Beginning my Journey.

So today has been a very good day for me and I’m am more grateful for Heavenly Father than ever. Austin’s loss has motivated me to be a better person in every single way. So today I worked on two things, reading the Book of Mormon for the first time and making a photography studio in my home. I have never read the Book of Mormon. Although I have been raised LDS and have been taught it’s principles, I wasn’t active at all since I was 14 or so. And before that I went because I had to and never really paid attention. I never gained a testimony of my own. So in the Book of Mormon it says if you read it humbly and pray and ask God if it’s true he will tell you. And all my family members have their own experiences and testimonies. I’m ready to have my own… to find out for myself if the church is true or not. I’m still in 1^st Nephi, but I am enjoying it. I’ve never had the chance to really ponder on it and now that I’m older I understand more than I used to. I have a journal that I’ve made into my Book of Mormon experience journal. So whenever I have a question, comment, an experience, or just want to share a thought I write it in my journal. It has been very helpful. I never thought reading the Book of Mormon could be so interesting and enjoyable! Also It’s time for me to pursue me dream of photography and so today I started working on making my studio (thanks to my mom and Husband)! I’m so excited and motivated. My heart is softened and I’m thirty for knowledge. I love it!

Lily's Struggle

So let's talk about Lily. She is struggling. When Austin dies she saw a child specialist who helped her prepare to see him. But when she saw him she was... odd. She didn't act it. in fact throughout this whole thing her emotions have been hidden from the world, but she wouldn't come near him. For awhile after that day she had a magic drink that would wake Austin up. She kept it with her at all times. We tried to explain it in every possible way we could think of. We read books about death to her, watched Disney movies that involved death (example: Lion King), and had lots of talks. At the funeral when she saw him in the coffin she was very weary about him. Very uncomfortable, but kept wanting to see him again. Since that day she only says little things here and there to let us know how much she's thinking about him. Her emotions are still in tact though. She asks us to tell her stories about Austin all the time. She has a very love/hate relationship with Jesus. She'll go from hating him for taking Lily to loving him and they're married. Oh and half the time all her dolls are dead and she gives them lots of funerals. Sometimes she's be causing trouble by having tantrums or being a bully and when you sit her down to discuss it she always admits that she misses him. She pretends he's just pretend half the time. My heart just breaks for hers. They were best friends. She LOVED him so much. I feel worse for her than anyone. Anyway she's been working on a picture book about Austin. So everyday she draws a picture of a memory she has with Austin. Today she drew Austin and her eating spaghetti, his favorite! But when my mom went away to do something and came back she had drawn a picture of him dead in his casket and her sad. It made me so sad. Here they are...

The gospel.

So I’m ready to just put this out there. I’m changing day by day. This started before Austin’s death, but his death certainly softened my heart to the gospel. Everyday I learn something new. It’s so amazing how full the gospel is. How anyone could possibly deny or judge it is beyond me. It’s amazing. It’s has made his death so much easier, but there is so much good to grasp to. I’ve been inspired over and over again. I have faith. My mom has been amazing throughout this and I love her so much. I’m just so blessed. I miss Austin so much and sometimes I’m angry and sometimes I cry, but it’s nice to have something to hold on to. It’s nice to feel at peace. I love him so much and I know things are better for him. He’s not just lying in the ground. He is happy. I’m just so very grateful.

Also things that help me through hard times are good scriptures, good talks, and good messages. Maybe even you're experiences. So if you ever feel inspired to send me a message or find a talk you think I'd enjoy or need, send away! :)

How I found Grayson.

They broke him.

So here’s the thing… after you lose someone as involved with your life and as loved as Austin you just have to take it day by day. One day I’ll be fine, the next I’ll be a wreck. Sometimes I’ll love everyone and others my heart will be filled with hate. Today was a good day. I went to church with my mom. After losing Austin I have really come unto Christ. I’m not as hardcore as I’d like to be, but I’m working towards a better life. It has really helped me deal with Austin’s loss. It’s funny, when he was alive I was his example and now he’s mine. (side note, this is when I become super emotion, sorry in advance) Sometimes I’m so so so angry. With the hospital that sent me a letter that I’m guessing they send out to all of the families that come through there. It basically said that they hope we had a wonderful experience at their hospital and hope we come again. I think if they lose a kid they should be careful what they choose to send out. Just saying. I also think that if you fail at your surgery, they shouldn’t be able to charge us. It’s like we’re paying them for killing him. UGH! I know, I know it’s not their fault. And I do not blame them, I just can’t understand things. I mean I brought Austin there to be healed. I had no doubt in my mind that we would leave there with Austin. I didn’t know how healed he would be, but I knew he was coming home. I feel so cheated. So cheated. He could still be here today if we hadn’t taken him there. And when the surgeon open him up and saw that it was going to be more challenging than he thought, he should have CLOSED him. Do not experiment on my son. I just want to go back. I wish I had waiting more years and maybe by then there would be more advances in heart surgery. How is it possible that I just took my poor, innocent little boy to get “fixed” and then they broke him even more? I want to see him so much. I want to feel his chest move as he breaths. I know there is no one to blame and it was just his time, but why? Why my boy? We needed his sweet spirit in our home.