After a pretty big depression, I finally got myself to do a photoshoot, first since I left CO.  Felt pretty food, although I felt lost and forgot tons of camera basics lol.  The pictures were hit or miss, but there were a few I really like.  This is a couple from my mom's ward who recently joined the army!

Goal

I only have a couple more weeks in Ny. Do you think I can make it??

I do.

Lily's talk.

Lily gave her first talk in church today. I think she did great, hardly needed any help! Sorry about my talking... kind of ruined it. :(

So proud of my Lily love!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yExqe_7k7r0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

blessings

I think it's awesome that when you start counting your blessings instead of your hardships, the more and more blessings you start to get! In my opinion atleast.

Book of Mormon

One of my goals before I leave NY is to finish reading the BOM. I hope I can make it, I feel like I'm not going as fast as I should. I get so sleepy so early these days!!

Testimony

Yesterday was a great day at church. I got up and bore my testimony. I'm sooo shy and was against it, but my heart kept telling me to go up and after a lot of arguing with myself, my heart won. I'm glad too. It was Really nice to share it even if I could hardly talk over my tears lol. But it was nice to share it before I left NY. :)

Update.

I don't want to go into detail, but I have a very, VERY intense spiritual experience last night. I hope I can understand it more as time goes on and as I pray. But it was very intense and very... confusing. Also I read a book called The Peacegiver that was a great book about the Atonement and it really make you think of it in ways you never thought of before. In fact everyone I know who has read it always tell me how much it changed their life. I could definitely see why and hope it has changed me as well. It's from an LDS author, but it's pretty much based off the bible so I recommend it to everyone!! Also I'm starting on the Book of Mosiah already! I feel like Heavenly Father is very close to me these days and I hope I become more sensitive to his presence as time goes on and my heart gets softer everyday. I have been so blessed in the last few months. God really is the answer to true happiness.

Yay

2nd Nephi... done!
Besides all the Isaiah, it was great!
I do plan to tackle Isaiah again in the future hopefully filled with the spirit to help make sense of it. :)

Tomorrow.

It's Chris and my 5th Anniversary!
I'm 26 weeks exactly.
We find out about Claire's heart.
We're possibly putting in our 1st offer on a home!

It may get emotional.
Poor facebook doesn't know what's coming lol.

Lily sleeping

So glad today's over, I will not miss you. I can already tell tonight is going to be really hard. Lily is sleeping in her own bed for the first time since Austin passed away. I'm a mess. I know she needs her independence, but I just need to feel the warmth of her skin and the sound of her breathing during the nights. And to squeeze her and to FEEL that she's still here. Ugh I hate this, I feel so weak.

Isaiah!

Everything Isaiah writes is pretty much just a bunch of history/future written in gibberish! And let's just say I'm not a history buff. I need to get through this! Let's just say I'm not getting much out of 2nd Nephi. :(

Day 45

Happy Valentines Day. :)

Valentines Day.

Just another holiday without my husband and son, but I'm going to make the most of it this year. It is the holiday of love and I have been blessed with so many loves ones. It doesn't matter if they're not right here by me, my loved ones are always in my heart. Hoping to stay positive tomorrow... :)

Day 44

Mom and me made dinner.  I'm enjoying having my mom around to cook with again. :)

Day 43

Lily doing her homework. Big improvement in a short time!

Sick from the shots watching Lily do her homework. :(

Testimony

Today in church we learned about Testimony and that in order to have ours grow we need to Pray, read the Scriptures, and do.  And that we need to share our testimony.  And I decided to share my blog with them, I just told them that although I don't have a super strong Testimony yet, I've been sharing my experience via this blog.  I told them how amazing is it that people have contacted me that I didn't even know read my blog, telling me how either they're now inspired to find their testimony, or just how much they love reading about me finding mine.  As I was saying that, it's like the Spirit was in my body.  I can't explain it, I just felt so warm.  It felt so nice to just realize that this blog has become bigger than just me.  It has inspired others as well to find their way spiritually.  I just hope that even if you don't believe in the Book of Mormon, that you will at least try to find YOUR testimony in whatever faith you have.  This experience has and still is changing my life so much... for the better!  I feel so much more love and happiness than before.  Even though this blog is for me and my experiences, my path to gaining my own testimony, and my hardships, it's really nice that it has touched others as well.  Maybe we can all find our ways together. :)

Side note- Church today was wonderful. :)

Day 42

Watching a movie with Grandpa.

Day 41

Went to a fun playdate and got to know some fun moms. 

Day 40

We went to the park after gymnastics, but it was too cold.  I think we were there for 10 minutes. :)

Yay

1st Nephi read.

Day 39

Yeah today was this hot lol.  I wasted the whole day house searching.  I'm kind of behind on updating so THANK YOU FB for your reminders!

Stress

I just hate so much when i lose my temper with the kids.  Sometimes I get so mad that I yell at them and I hate thet.  And I HATE that that's sometimes the only thing that they listen to.  Today was a WAR with Lily.  She didn't want to wake up, took 2 hours to get ready, didn't listen in gymnastics and wouldn't stop looking to see what her friends were doing, she could not for the life of her get her capital"C" down, she refused to eat dinner. It was just none-stop whining all day... one thing after another.  The ONLY time she listened was when I yelled at her and I hate yelling at my kids.  I'd rather parent with love.  Today was just NOT a good day for anyone.

Side note-  Do you ever feel like after a day when you've spent all day with a bad temper, and a knot in your stomach that it's somehow wrong to read the Book of Mormon/Bible?  Not to read it, but to read it with the Spirit there?  I don't know, I just feel like how could I go from that and now expect such a clean, spiritual feeling to come into this house?  I mean I NEED to read tonight, but I know that with what i'm reading right now, I need the Spirit with me to comprehend some of this Isaiah stuff, and to keep me motivated and energized, because with this stuff... I can't do it alone lol. 

Day 38

Lily's 1st attempt to write our names. :)

Day 37

Today after my OBGYN apt, I took Lily and Gray to the park.  Gray wasn't very happy since I woke him up from his nap to go, but Lily had a blast!  I love sunny winter days!

My fav Scipture

"If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; ... for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27)


The reason I love this scripture so much is because I can be weak.  I have "things" about my family that I have always thought was unavoidable... I would inherit them.  Well maybe not.  I don't have to just let things happen to me and my weaknesses aren't going to define me.  I'm a big believer in always improving and never just accepting that you will always be how you are.  No, I won't grow up being dependent on anti-depressants.  I don't need medication.  I inherited that trait by genes, but God can help, not only make it not be a weakness, but he'll turn it into a strength!  Same with my weight.  Weight problems run in my family, and I know it's going to catch up to me, BUT it doesn't have to.  Things aren't just inevitable, we make our path.  


Weaknesses I want to conquer:
Being genetically depressed.
No energy
Lazy
Horrible shape
really tired
bad sleeping habits
mediocre parent and wife
not a good housekeeper
make excuses
Quick to judge and gets annoyed easily
Not very social and shy in new situations


So there are just a few on the list of things that God is going to help me "make strong".


I never understood why some people are so stable and put-together and others are not.  I mean people with unstable brains didn't choose that.  They lay in their bed wanting to die.  Or people who have health issues that seem to take over there life.  But in this scripture is says that God gives us these weaknesses to make us humble and to have the oppurtunity to turn to him so he can help us turn that weakness into a strength.  I think that is very, very cool.  I think "perfectly normal" people who don't have suffer or turn to God for anything never grow as people.  What they find to be important are so shallow and they just have no depth to them.  I would rather have all these trials so that I can have the oppurtunity to grow and reap all the blessings from each trial I face.  


Anyway I don't know many scriptures, but out of the ones I know this is definitely a favorite. :)

Flicker.

Today was a wonderful, wonderful day.  At church today I took the Sacrament for the first time since I was probably 14 and the Spirit was in that room with me.  During the song we sing beforehand, every word touched my soul and during the prayer, every word also touched my soul, and when I took the bread and water, I felt... better.  I don't know how else to explain it.  Everyone else in that room are in different places spiritually, but I felt like this week was for me.  It was wonderful.

Then tonight as I read the Scriptures and prayed I had my first experience where I KNEW what I was reading was true and that the Spirit is with me.  It was like a burning, peaceful feeling.  A really happy one where you just want to smile and tell everyone in the whole world that God is love.  He has waited so long for me to find my way and to repent and now that I have, I can enjoy FEELING his love.  It's the most amazing happiness there is and I never want it to go away.

I hope as I read on, this feeling will stay with me and will open doors to revelation of my own.  I also would love if everyone in the whole world could feel this so we could all rejoice together!  It's definitely a feeling I want to share with everyone.  The Book Of Mormon is true and so is the Bible.  No one can convince me otherwise anymore, because those books are both of God.  Can't wait to read on tomorrow.

I'm still smiling.

Day 36

The kid's LOVE to run around in the gym after church.  Usually it's PACKED with kids!
Superbowl was today.  We went to a friend in the ward's party.  The pics turned out too dark.

Day 35

Went to the church to help my mom with the bulletin boards. 

Church

Tomorrow will be the first time taking the Sacrament in YEARS, feels weird lol.  I just hope nobody asks me to give a talk or pray, I'm definitely not ready for anything like that!  I like my prayers to be personal.

Stranger

So last night my friend from Colorado contacted me and asked me to get onto skype chat so she could ask me something (she said her phone had broke).  When I got on she told me her Aunt was head of the UCLA pregnancy Research Center and they needed some pregnant ladies to help with a study and she immediately thought of me.  So said I could make $3400 to do a few surveys and to make a few "what if" videos.  She told me her video wasn't working and that she wanted to see if I was showing enough and to skype her.  Since it was one of my friends I didn't even think about the fact that I was in my undershirt and panties.  After she SAW me she said that she needed me to make my first "what if" video to try out.  The first scenario was "what if you were 7-8 months pregnant, alone at home, and went into labor".  So pretty much I'd pretend like that happened and show it in a video, me pretending to give birth.  It was supposed to be realistic so I'd be pants-less and everything.  In this conversation we did some small talk, like she asked me how Lily was and about Chris in Afghanistan... just regular catching up stuff.  I told her I'd do it, I mean she said they blurred out the faces and it was just for the study purposes, plus $3400 is a lot of money.  Well the next day we talked and decided how we were going to do the video, later on I needed to tell her that we had to change the time, so I contacted her via FB.  My ACTUAL friend contacted me back asking what I was talking about.  Apparently we had NEVER talked the night before and she has no aunt at UCLA.  So I tried contacting whorever that person was, but the second I asked them who they really were they ended the contact.  So now there's someone out there that I almost made a video for, knows things about me, saw me in my undies, and I have  NO idea who they are!  I feel so dumb and violated!!

The funny part is, the whole time we were talking, I had a bad feeling about it.  Even though it was just for a study, I was just... unsure.  I asked my mom and Chris their opinion and they both seemed to think that it was okay to do, because it was for something like that, but I just couldn't shake that uneasy feeling.  I should listen to that feeling next time!

Day 34

Today I started my 24th week, yay for 6 months!!

Day 33

Today the kid's had fevers so we spent the day in bed watching movies.  Lily somehow forgot how to walk.  She's very dramatic sometimes lol.  

Day 32

Today Lily and Grayson went to the doctor.  They were wonderful!  They both got shots, and check-ups.  Lily also got some 5-year-old things done like got her eyes and ears checked which are great! :) 

Afterwards we went and picked up Wendy's and went to the park.  It was a beautiful day!

Roots

So here are my goals until May:
Read the BOM by doing the 100 day challenge. (should be done right before May!)
Attend Sacrament meeting and stay until after relief society every week... ATTEND classes!
Visiting Teaching.
Pay tithing.

I had a meeting with the bishopric, and these are informal goals that will help my testimony and then by May I will be officially temple WORTHY (not actually going)!

My life is working out so well!
I've been working on my life as a wife, parent, and as a person and I think thing are starting to go my way!  Goals and "lists" are my new favorite thing.  I feel like I'm more "put together" than I ever have been.  I'm completely drug free (like antidepressants) and surprisingly, I've never been more stable and in control of my feelings.  I'm just on the road to find myself and become who I want to be.  I'm even considering letting my natural hair grow out.  It's time to get back to my roots!  Literally!

Day 31

Claire's heart is developed and looks good, BUT she has tricuspid valve leakage and fluid around her heart in some places.  We have to go back in a couple weeks.

Day 30

Tonight we made s'mores for dinner.  Poor Gray didn't get chocolate on his... stupid allergies!

Day 29

Gray and I skipped church today, but Lily went.  This is an instagram photo.

Day 28

Lily in the morning... so pretty. :)

I wish I could feel whole again... just for one day.  Not just a broken person trying not to ruin my kid's lives.

yeah

So most of my blog posts are me trying to turn a horrible situation into a positive one and it is for me.  So if anyone gets offended or takes anything I say on my blog personally I recommend you don't read it.  This is my blog for my thoughts and feelings, and I'm not going to sit here and sensor what I write to not hurt yours.  I hate that everyone in life has challenges and I try to be sensitive to peoples things, but come one guys, this is a blog about me trying to find my way.  Let me, please have my place.  I may have to go private and that's really sad since this is how I share things with my husband as well.

Thanks for ruining my one spot now I'll sensor everything so I don't hurt anyone else.

Day 27

Yay for getting my car fixed!

instagram

Day 26

Today Grandma came to Gymnastics and Lily was extra awesome!

instagram

Day 25

It was a very slow morning, Lily didn't wake up until 11 so Gray and me watched cartoons. :)

instagram

instagram

instagram

Day 23

So I've started a new one hour "Play with Gray" time.  Lily is getting so busy with all of her pre-schooling, cleaning, technology, etc that she doesn't ever seem to just take time to play with her little brother unless I'm there.  So for an hour-a-day she gets to go into their room to play without me.  I can get stuff done and they can learn how to play on their own and hopefully stay close as they grow.

Instagram

Day 22

This pretty much describes our afternoon after church.  I love lazy Sundays!

(Also I've been playing around with higher iso's lately and am really enjoying pushing my photography limits, so pictures may not always be bright and perfectly clear, I need to grow as a photographer and staying comfortable is not the answer.)

Day 21

Today was a very relaxing day.  We woke up to it snowing (it was BEAUTIFUL), Lily and I made hot cocoa and eggos, we worked on Lily's letters, watched movies, and just enjoyed our Saturday!

Instagram

Day 20 (part 2)

Also for Lily's birthday i decided to take Lily out on a Mother-Daughter special Birthday date!  We went to Melting pot for cheese and chocolate fondue, and then we went and saw a special 3D version on Beauty and The Beast in the theater!  It was so much fun and we both had a blast!  I love my little Lily Belle so much!

(just phone-camera pictures, but will cherish the memory)

Day 20

Lily put together a fun package for her grandparents!  She helped me make them a treat, wrote them letters, packed the baggies herself, helped put them in the boxes, and then we took them to the post office to send off. She is so excited and is excited that they're on their way!

Instagram

Today I downloaded instagram, best decision ever!

Day 18

In Lily's words this was, "The BEST birthday EVER!"  It was a fun one.  She chose everything we did.  We didn't make it to everything on our list, but her favorite parts were:

Watching Gnomeo and Juliet
Eating Mcdonalds
Her cake of FRUIT
Her presents... especially her her "iPad" (leappad)
Skyping with her aunts (Emily, Natalie, and Jessica)
Eating lots of fun foods and playing, dancing, and being 5!

Happy Birthday Lily!

hatin'

I really don't like comments like this...

"I'm not Hot or gorgeous. I don't have an amazing figure or a flat stomach. I'm far from being considered a model but, I'm me. I eat food, I have curves, I have more fat than I should, I have scars, I have a history. Some people love me,some like me, some hate me. I have done good, I have done bad. I love OH's and I go without makeup and don't get my hair done. I'm random and crazy,I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. I won't change!! And if i love you, I do it with my heart!! I make no apologies for the way I am."

I'm all for loving yourself, but that's not what these sound like, they sound like you've given up and now want everyone to accept it.  What ever happens to trying to become a better person??  Shouldn't we all be trying to improve and be better?  I mean, I have history... you all know that.  I got married and had a kid at 18... and it was choices I made that led me to that.  But instead of just accepting myself as some loser, I keep improving and kept bettering myself.  And I will keep becoming better everyday!  Why should you just accept your flaws and weaknesses?  Yes, there are things we can't change about ourselves and it's good to accept and even embrace those things, but if you CAN change it, then do!  Don't settle for being who you are when you could be so much better!  Okay y'all can hate now lol...

Day 17

Today after gymnastics, Lily and I went over to one of my friend's house for lunch and to hangout.  I had a great time and her kid is adorable!!

Day 16

Lily and I made french toast for breakfast... we went through a lot of eggs, before everything was said and done lol.  She'll learn eventually. :)

Day 15

Church was fun today.  I could hear the lessons, Grayson behaved, and Lily came home excited about what she learned. I think this is progress!  We did miss the Sacrament though, I'm slow in the mornings!

Now to spend the rest of the afternoon eating good food and playing games!

Ps. Yes Gray has food in his mouth, but atleast he's looking in the general direction of the camera... that's a success in my book!  He doesn't like the camera at all lol!

Day 14

This is Lily's "Hey!  I've got an idea!" face lol.  She does it atleast 100 times a day and it usually is followed by an absurd idea that we would never do, or a or idea for playing pretend.   

Day 13

I guess since I'm at my halfway point, I should show off my "big" belly.  

Day 12

My mom decided to paint her kitchen/Family room a really pretty Martha Stewart light grey (you can't really see the color in this pic) this week, and Lily was her little helper.  I'm definitely using this as the paint in Lily and Claire's room!  And Lily will get to help then too! :)

Day 11

Lily loves playing pretend all day... everyday.  She plays library lady, doctor, mommy, married couple, restaurant, pizza man, statue, sleepy baby, EVERYTHING!  Not only does she have a very big imagination, but she can stay in character for HOURS!  My favorite games when I'm busy are definitely statue and sleepy baby lol.  They're pretty self explanatory.  Today we played
"Lily's Fancy Restaurant" and I was the "cooker" :).  It was a fun twist to a normal lunch.  

Day 10

Today was a pretty exciting day for Lily.
She started a new gymnastics class, got to go to Panera for lunch, and she got to come with me to my 20 week ultrasound!  She LOVED it! 

Some of my favorite Lily quotes:

"how are we going to look at the baby? I don't want them to take off your belly"

"She's so cute, I want to bite her... I really think she wants to bite ME!"

"she's cute, but not TOO cute"

Oh and Claire is definitely a girl!  My due date got switched from the 31st to the 25th, which is like skipping a week of pregnancy for me!  Yay!  She LOVES her hand up by her face like Grayson!

Here is a picture from today of The O'Neal Girls! :)

Day 9

Claire Elizabeth O'Neal